Dear Mike Tyson...Rehab Your Image with Britney Spears

Dear Mike Tyson,

You were great once.  You were a champion and an icon.  Back in the day, you were considered amongst the all-time best.  You dominated heavyweight boxing the way Tiger Woods and Roger Federer now dominate golf and tennis.

But that was then.

Now your fighting career is over, and most experts wonder if you were really that good to begin with.  You're washed up.  You're a has-been.    Everyone knows it.  I suspect that even you know it.  With that in mind, I'm asking you to embrace the freakshow your life has become by taking it to the next level.

My proposal?  I think it's time you started dating Britney Spears.

Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I'm the crazy one.  But I think Britney sounds like your kind of girl.

Seriously Mike, what have you got to lose?  You're both single and looking to mingle.

Sure, you and Britney are two very different people from two very different worlds.  But isn't that how all of history's great romances got started?  Besides, think of all the stuff you two have in common: You both have chemical dependency issues.  You both like tattoos.  You both peaked young and are riding the slow, disappointing train to Irrelevantville.  Plus, you're both idiots.  And while Britney has two children, you've stated you like to eat children.  

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, everything... but let's face it Mike: That's why this works.  I mean, how could things get much worse for you?  At least an extended courtship with Britney Spears could generate some professional opportunities.  In fact, the two of you would immediately become the most popular couple in the world.  Tomkat and Brangelina would have nothing on you and Brit.  'Mikeney' would become a living, breathing train wreck. The sideshow romance could land you lovebirds countless commercial endorsements, and probably your own reality show.  You could call it 'Toxic' or 'Oops, we did it again."

Look Mike, both you and Ms. Spears are already punchlines.  Your careers are effectively over, and you're the butt of every late night talk show joke. Why not embrace it?  More to the point, why not capitalize on it?

And who knows: Maybe... just maybe... you and Britney will find love along the way.

Think about it Mike.  I know I have.

Good thoughts always,

Dave Metrick