30 Ways to Know You Love Sports Way Too Much

Ryan Braun@@rycotaincAnalyst IJune 15, 2011

30 Ways to Know You Love Sports Way Too Much

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    Let’s begin with this…

    A confession that my writing the “too much” slideshow could not be more appropriate, as this past Sunday I literally came within a Maverick loss of scaring my roommate away forever. (Truth be told, I’m not 100% sure he’ll stay now.) It probably shouldn’t be this way, that one game has the capacity to ruin a week, a relationship, a television set…

    …but boy is it.

    What I’m hoping I’ll find over the course of this slideshow is I’m not alone.

    That there are others with similar symptoms.

    That he may say I’m a screamer…but I’m not the only one.

    (Okay, I just cringed at that last line. Onward and upward!)

Rules of the Road:

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    As always, I’ve divided this list into several sections:

    They are as follows:

    “Section One—A Tad Misguided…”

    “Section Two—Personal Sacrifice”

    “Section Three—Weekend Warriors”

    “Section Four—Overreach”

    “Section Five—Recently Added”

    Also, just so you know where I started from: I received a ton of awesome suggestions from B/R writers/editors via email, and I wanted to put some of my favorite excluded entries below:

    “A first date involves a sports bar…and the success of that date depends on whether your date was into the game.”

    “You refer to your team’s players as ‘my boys,’ or say ‘we’ when referring to the team.”

    “You have a room in your house, and you’re a grownup, and it’s not your kid’s bedroom, and you refer to it as, say, ‘Peyton’s room.’”

    All of those would’ve made the list had I not been writing this from ‘Joe Thomas’ den’ after having broken up with a woman for not watching my boys.

    Let’s begin with “A Tag Misguided…”

    You know you love sports too much when…

30. You Tore Down a Tree in Your Front Yard When You Were 10.

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    Remember when the Cleveland Browns lost to the Chicago Bears in that ridiculous 2001 overtime game that included a Hail Mary and a tipped ball, game-winning interception return? (Among other impossibly outlandish happenings?) Well, it turned the course of Tim Couch’s career and it cost my family a tree. 

    Now, I’m not the Incredible Hulk—it was a small tree that my parents had just planted—but I’ve at times demonstrated a capacity for sports-related anger inappropriate for, say, the non-gamma radiated human brain.

    Okay, no more of me in this one. Just didn’t want to cast stones until I’d already broken my glass house.

    Or however that one works when you do it right.

29. You’ve Spray Painted a Pet.

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    I know you think that Rusty has a vested interest in this, but science would indicate otherwise.

28. You’ve Invoked the Aid of God to Bolster Your Team’s Odds.

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    In defense of God, I will say this: He did a heck of a job on LeBron and Steve Johnson

    For those keeping score, that’s DB and SF.

    He’s a versatile cat, God.

27. You’ve Under Any Circumstances Screamed at a Little League Umpire.

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    I get it that you live vicariously through your kid. 

    This is the part where your father embarrasses you in front of your friends.

    Ah, the golden days…

26. You’ve Nicknamed Any Part of Your Body “The Gipper.”

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    Trust me on this one…it’ll kill the mood. 

    That said, let’s stay with relationships for a few slides…

25. You Think Getting to First Base Involves a Bat.

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    Because honestly, if it did…I think you were threatening her.

24. You Have a Collection of 30+ A’s Hats and You Don’t Work for the Team.

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    Let me just say this… 

    If you’re bald, I get it.

23. You’re Clinically Superstitious.

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    This can manifest itself in a number of different ways, none of which I can acknowledge and/or put into writing for no reason in particular.

22. You’ve Referred to a Crime as “Bad Timing.”

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    If only he could’ve waited until the offseason…

21. You Think Bill Simmons Is a Better Writer Than Chaucer.

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    Now I have no idea who Chaucer is, but I've been told this makes sense.

20. You Think Adriana Lima Is Marko Jaric’s Wife.

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    Borderline inexcusable. 

    Marko Jaric is Adriana Lima’s husband.

    (And if God wasn’t so busy with all the sports prayers, maybe he could’ve hooked me up here…)

Section Two — Personal Sacrifice:

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    Okay, now we’re getting into the real nitty-gritty. To make the “Personal Sacrifice” section, you need to have tangibly demonstrated your love and/or neuroses. 

    This is either stuff you’ve done, stuff that takes up space, or stuff that is currently on your body.

    In short, it’s gotta be pretty obvious that you are (or should be) committed.

    You know you love sports too much when…

19. You DVR the NFL Draft While Watching It.

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    So you can watch it again, and again, and again. 

    (Editor’s note: It may be wrong—you do it in HD and there goes your whole DVR—but this one is totally worth it. Drafts are a lot less stressful upon second viewing.)

18. You’ve Broken a TV Set and You Weren’t Playing Wii.

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    Is the Wii reference dated yet?

    Regardless, you break the TV and you’ll regret it in the morning. The television is your primary source of sports stimuli.

    You don’t bite the hand that feeds you, even if the food is bitter on occasion.

    Okay, now let’s take this up a level…

17. You’ve Backhanded a Fair-Weather Fan in the Face.

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    Here we go!

    No names here (unless those involved email me and would like public credit for this ferocious stand against bandwagon jumping), but my editor relayed to me the following true story from a female friend of his, which basically goes like this: 

    Editor: “My friend back handed a guy for wearing a Giants hat because he was not from San Francisco proper...”

    Friend: “Actually I backhanded him bc he was wearing a giants hat and when I asked him if he was a fan he said 'not really'.  I then backhanded him and shouted 'YOU DON'T DESERVE TO WEAR THAT HAT!'” 

    Well-played mysterious friend.

    Let’s call this one, “The Giant Backhand.” Now immortalized.

16. You Remember Significant Life Events Via Sports.

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    From another editor: 

    “My kid was born in the year the Yankees won the championship.”

    I’m not sure if that was a suggestion or a remembrance, but if it was the latter, I'm guessing that house is packed.

15. You Tattoo Your Body in a Way Non-Conducive to Your Own Success as a Person.

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    E.G. that fella to the left (who subsequently planned to complete the entire New England helmet). 

    Kudos for commitment; no kudos for literally everything else.

14. You Tattoo Your Body in a Way That’s Somehow Even Worse Than the Last Guy.

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    E.G. the new fella to the left (and the guy in this video). 

    He tattooed “I slept with Shaq” on his forehead for a pair of Lakers tickets.

    Again, kudos for commitment, and regardless of whether that tat is to be interpreted literally or figuratively…I bet it hurt.

13. You Made This Video.

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    Please stop.

    Please retroactively take this back from the world.

12. Or This One.

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    This one is actually quite funny. 

    Good old—won’t induce ear bleeding—fun.

11. You Bought Ron Artest’s Album.

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    Or, actually, let me rephrase that… 

    You bought Ron Artest’s album somewhere other than a grocery store parking lot.

    (Michael Jackson, R.I.P.)

10. You Cut off Your Pinky to Play in a Game.

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    It takes a big man to one-up the Ron Artest album purchase...but Ronnie Lott is a big man.

    Did you know that Ronnie Lott was actually going to tweet Jay Cutler during the NFC Championship game, but he couldn’t ‘cause he didn’t have a pinky?

    How bad would you feel if you’re Jay Cutler and you get that tweet?

    Hey Jay, sorry it took so long to send my condolences. Hard to type without this pinky I cut off to play in my version of this game. Anyway, feel better man. Best wishes.

    I’m not having a go at Jay Cutler (I’m English now), but boy, to this day I’m amazed by the Ronnie Lott finger incident (which was actually the second finger incident of his life—the first one occurred when he was 13 and turned out far worse).

    Okay, I’m almost done with this slide. I’ll just end with: Lott was reportedly disappointed when his agent failed to tell him about his Dr. Evil audition until after the Super Bowl.

    Now I’m done.

Section Three — Weekend Warriors:

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    I type all of the following knowing full well there’s a 90% chance this is me in 20 years. 

    You know you love sports too much when…

9. You’re over 40, and You’ve Stopped Play for More Than 30 Seconds…

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    …to dispute a call at the Jewish Community Center.

    In the NBA, that’s a technical. At the JCC, that technically makes you mishugina.

    (Editor’s note: In the case of this slide, the Jewish Community Center represents a place where non-athletes congregate to play basketball, and really could be synonymous with any other denominational center, non-denominational center, park, school, driveway, backyard, basement, or otherwise unnamed less-than-professional arena.)

8. You’re over 40, and You Still Wear a Wristband on Your Left Forearm.

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    If that's not your picture, I'm probably talking to you.

7. You’ve Ever Shouted, “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!”

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    "Anything is possible" = potentially inaccurate.

    Because if you're not a pro athlete, over 10 years out of college and you scream that after winning a pick-up game, there’s no way you’re getting your dignity back.

6. You Know Your 40 Time and You Work in an Office.

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    I’ll admit to having tried this and being severely disappointed.

5. You’ve Ever Taken Steroids and You’re Not a Professional Athlete.

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    See, this is what happens if you know your 40 time. It’s a dangerous road, people.

Section Four — Examples of Overreach:

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    For those whose investment we admire and scorn at the same time.

    You know you love sports too much when…

4. You Tend to Slightly Overstate the Obvious.

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    Singled out here: Dan Gilbert (who, for the record, I adore). 

    However, even one as biased as myself can admit that it’s possible (possible) his post-Decision use of such phrases: “cowardly betrayal,” “shocking act of disloyalty,” and “sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn,” were perhaps a wee bit over the top.

    I loved the letter, both comedically and as a fan…and when LeBron James is revealed for selling trade secrets to the Russians this will all probably be applicable…but in the mean time, something more in line with “you really should have told us your plans earlier” might have been more appropriate.

3. You’ve Ever Shot a Flare onto the Field of Play.

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    This actually happened during the Champions league quarterfinal in 2005 when Inter Milan fans threw “plastic bottles and then over 30 flares on to the penalty area below them after a header by Estenban Cambiasso was disallowed.” 

    Smart, guys. Now you’ll spend the next five years in jail whilst subjecting yourself to “I slept with Shaq” guy’s plight on a nightly basis and becoming verifiably unemployable at every retailer not-named McDonalds…but hey, you made your point.

Section Five — Recently Added:

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    MIAMI, FL - JUNE 12:  Owner Mark Cuban of the Dallas Mavericks celebrates in the locker room after the Mavericks won 105-95 against the Miami Heat in Game Six of the 2011 NBA Finals at American Airlines Arena on June 12, 2011 in Miami, Florida. NOTE TO US
    Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

    Two for the road. 

    One last time, you know you love sports too much when…

2. You’ve Named Your American Baby Dirk.

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    MIAMI, FL - JUNE 12:  Dirk Nowitzki #41 of the Dallas Mavericks celebrates against the Miami Heat in Game Six of the 2011 NBA Finals at American Airlines Arena on June 12, 2011 in Miami, Florida. The Mavericks won 105-95. NOTE TO USER: User expressly ackn
    Marc Serota/Getty Images

    Full disclosure: Had my wife been 9 months pregnant right now…I probably would’ve suggested it.

1. You Pee While Holding the Championship Trophy.

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    Right now…tough to rebuke anything Dallas.

    Mark Cuban, you rock.

    Just...try and keep it above the waist.