2011 NBA Mock Draft: Making a Mockery of All Mock Drafts (HUMOR)
After the ping-pong balls settle, countless mock drafts will be made. Instead of making a cookie-cutter mock draft like everyone else, I will present a humorous mock draft.
Some mocks will be made by so-called experts who have a stunningly accurate rate of 5.4 percent. Oh wait, that's the free-throw shooting percentage of a blindfolded Ben Wallace shooting backwards. Never mind—that's his actual shooting percentage from the line.
It is no secret this year's draft class is very thin—so thin, in fact, that Dick Vitale wonders whether Kyrie Irving can be the first ever player taken first and second overall. Some other experts wonder whether Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert will select former WWE Champion and Cleveland native Mike "The Miz" Mizanin first overall.
I know you are sick of my pathetic jokes. Without further embarrassment, here is my electrifying mock draft that will be the greatest mock draft of all time. You can at least laugh at that one.
Cleveland Cavaliers Select Kyrie Irving with the 1st Pick
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Kyrie Irving was trumpeted as the next great point guard for Duke. However, a foot injury limited Irving to only 11 games. Nevertheless, his dynamic skills make him the best player in this draft, according to ESPN.
Irving is a fantastic point guard who can get anywhere on the floor, the bathroom, the concession stand and Dan Gilbert's house. He can shoot, handle, pass, defend and lead a team. At least that's what Jay Bilas told me. His tutelage under Coach K never hurts him either. It certainly didn't hurt Jay Williams or Bobby Hurley.
Only playing 11 games in college is not exactly the best way to gain experience. As for the defend part, Lamont "Momo" Jones of the University of Arizona lit him up. Of course, my biased anti-Duke rant forgot to mention Irving scored 28 points in that game.
NOT TO MENTION DERRICK WILLIAMS IS 10 TIMES BETTER THAN HE IS!!!
Minnesota Trades the 2nd Pick to the Lakers for Ron Artest
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David Stern announces with glee that the Los Angeles Lakers select Derrick Williams with the second pick. Williams, who hails from nearby La Mirada in Orange County, recently spent $2,000 on antidepressants in the event he gets drafted by Minnesota or Cleveland.
Now he jumps up and down, as the Lakers stole the second pick from Minnesota. Plus the Lakers traded away head case Ron Artest for Williams. Not to mention the Lakers insisted on taking a little-known point guard from Spain named Ricky Rubio.
Minnesota executive David Kahn on the shocking trade: "I wanted someone on the team crazier than me. Ron Artest fits that bill perfectly."
Riots in Minneapolis immediately ensue.
Poor Minnesota—you could have had a devastating triplet of power forwards in Derrick Williams, Kevin Love and Michael Beasley. Now you have a trio of Michael Beasley, Ron Artest and Darko Milicic after Love retires in protest.
Utah Jazz Select Jimmer Fredette with the 3rd Pick
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Do I even need to explain why the Jazz should take Jimmer Fredette? Who cares if he's supposed to be taken later in the lottery?
Imagine all the Utah girls screaming their lungs out for him and fellow heartthrob Gordon Hayward. Ownership will be able to pay off the national debt after tickets are raised 1,500 percent. Jimmer is a winner and is used to handling the pressure of a superstar.
Jimmer, along with Devin Harris, can form an unstoppable tandem on offense. On defense, opposing teams' offenses will be thrown off by all guards wanting to post up on either Fredette or Harris.
Cleveland Cavaliers Select Jan Vesely with the 4th Pick
4 of 33The music in the video is the old Mighty Morphin Power Rangers theme song. At least the first 20 seconds play that song. Growing up, I loved watching Power Rangers, especially Mighty Morphin.
So that got me thinking: How would Zordon (Dan Gilbert) pick his Power Ranger team?
The red ranger would certainly be Baron Davis. The blue ranger would be Kyrie Irving. The black ranger would be Antawn Jamison or J.J. Hickson if Jamison leaves. The pink and yellow rangers would be the hottest cheerleaders. The white ranger would become Jan Vesely after Gilbert watches this highlight video.
Furthermore, LeBron James can be Lord Zedd, Dwyane Wade can be Goldar and Chris Bosh can be Rita. In all seriousness, Gilbert can use his cap space to sign former power rangers Tommy and Jason to provide leadership in the locker room.
Toronto Raptors Select Enes Kanter with the 5th Pick
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Bryan Colangelo forgets the Raptors' unpleasant history with Turkish players and selects Turkish big man Enes Kanter with the fifth overall pick. Toronto can select Kanter and play him at the 5. This moves Andrea Bargnani to his natural position at the 4.
Kanter played a grand total of zero games for Kentucky because he lost his amateur status. Fellow countryman Hedo Turkoglu and Vince Carter call Kanter and tell him how to be universally hated in Toronto.
Hedo: "Ask for a lot of money and then purposely quit. Then get traded to Phoenix and then traded to Orlando."
Kanter: "That's a good idea. I'll pretend to play hard and then dog it once we're out of playoff contention."
Vince: "Relax. Your team is already out of playoff contention."
Aren't Toronto fans thankful wiretapping is legal in Canada?
Washington Wizards Select Kawhi Leonard with the 6th Pick
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The Wizards are in desperate need of a small forward. John Wall is their point guard of the present and future. Nick Young and Jordan Crawford can man the off-guard spot. Andray Blatche and Rashard Lewis can play power forward. JaVale McGee is a fantastic center.
Josh Howard is currently slated to be their small forward. Only problem is he retired two years ago.
Leonard can provide the defensive prowess this team is sorely lacking. The Wizards allowed 1,024 points a game last season. Leonard can play both the 3 and 4 positions. He has the length and the athleticism to be a lockdown defender in this league.
His physicality translates well in a conference with LeBron James, Joe Johnson, Hedo Turkoglu and Stephen Jackson playing the small forward spots for each of their division opponents. Actually, Johnson is a shooting guard, but he ends the game as a small forward.
Sacramento Kings Select Brandon Knight with the 7th Pick
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The Sacramento Kings select Kentucky point guard Brandon Knight with the seventh pick of the draft. Knight joins fellow Kentucky alum DeMarcus Cousins and fellow Coach Cal alum Tyreke Evans on this young yet talented roster.
With Beno Udrih on the roster, Knight can afford to come off the bench and develop along with the rest of the team.
No joke—Brandon Knight is a high-quality selection for a team needing hope and inspiration. Sacramento mayor Kevin Johnson can develop Knight into a premier point guard while neglecting his duties as mayor. At least Johnson is like the rest of the California politicians. Both Republican and Democrats are guilty of that.
Detroit Pistons Select Kemba Walker with the 8th Pick
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The ESPN draft analysts dissect this pick more than their analysis of LeBron James' bump of Erik Spoelstra earlier in the season.
"That's exactly what Detroit needs, another undersized combo guard who needs the ball," Jay Bilas says, mocking Joe Dumars for picking Kemba Walker.
"They already have Rodney Stuckey, Will Bynum and Eminem as undersized combo guards," Jeff Awesome says as he tries to justify the pick. "None of them are worthy of starting."
"Jeff, how many basketballs are allowed on the floor?" Jay Bilas asks in a respectful tone.
"When the Pistons play, zero, because it's too depressing to watch otherwise," Jeff Awesome answers Bilas. Tragically, Detroit Pistons fans might agree with me.
Charlotte Bobcats Trade the 9th Pick to Bulls
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David Stern makes a shocking announcement: "The Bulls have traded the 28th and 30th picks along with Taj Gibson and a 2012 first-round draft pick for the ninth pick and Stephen Jackson.
"With the 9th pick of the 2011 NBA draft, the Chicago Bulls select Bismack Biyombo of the Congo."
Bulls fans are up in arms over their decision to trade all of their first-round picks in 2011 and 2012 plus a valuable fan favorite for some guy nobody has ever heard of.
Bismack Biyombo has potential like Serge Ibaka. Biyombo's wingspan is actually longer than a Boeing 747 at 7'7" long. Maybe I meant a toy Boeing 747 instead.
Imagine the defensive nightmare other teams must face with defensive specialist Biyombo, perimeter standouts Ronnie Brewer and Luol Deng, defensive anchor Omer Asik and underrated defender C.J. Watson on the second unit. They can hold the other team to zero points, while they score negative-two points because Biyombo scores on the wrong end.
Moreover, the Bobcats have multiple needs, and acquiring Gibson is a monumental step in the right direction for Michael Jordan's franchise. For the Bulls, let's just say Michael Jordan gave them a thank you present for all those great years.
Milwaukee Bucks Select Donatas Motiejunas with the 10th Pick
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Milwaukee Bucks GM John Hammond ponders which Lithuanian power forward he should select. He knows the Bucks were dead last in the NBA in scoring. Hammond believes Lithuanian big men can score the ball.
With Drew Gooden and Ersan Ilyasova not exactly the cream of the crop at the power forward position, Donatas Motiejunas is the man Hammond selects.
"Who?" the Milwaukee fans wonder.
"I don't know who he is either," coach Scott Skiles answers the fans.
Golden State Selects Marcus Morris with the 11th Pick
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I lament the apparent death of "run 'n gun" basketball by the Bay Area. Nellie Ball's demise will lead to a borification of the game. New York had a great fast break team until Carmelo Anthony decided to hold the ball for 10 hours every time he got the ball.
With that said, Phoenix is the only true "run 'n gun" team remaining in this league. Unfortunately team stalwarts Grant Hill and Steve Nash are aging.
Jay Bilas gives his take on Morris: "Marcus Morris solidifies the front line of the Warriors. Morris can score the basketball and rebound very well. Kansas lost to a team who never should have been there in the tournament."
The Golden State Warriors were once in Philly. Therefore, it is fitting Philly native Marcus Morris steps in as the Warriors' newest draft pick.
Utah Jazz Select Justin Bieber with the 12th Pick
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Justin Bieber can stroke the ball. Just ask all of those celebrities playing half speed at that one game. He was even named the MVP of the game. With the Utah Jazz already selecting Jimmer Fredette, Bieber must compete for minutes with Devin Harris and Raja Bell.
When Bieber is on defense, he can use his adoring legion of fans to distract his man. Don't forget Bieber had plenty of steals in that celebrity game.
On offense, he can set screens by singing this song. This causes the defenders to immediately sprint to the locker room. Bieber can set screens for Jimmer Fredette all day long. Justin Bieber equals increased ticket sales for the loyal Utah Jazz fans.
Moreover, the revenues from Bieber jersey sales can pay for the entire state of Utah along with parts of Idaho and Wyoming. Hopefully male Utah fans can tolerate the increased presence of female spectators in the stands.
Imagine a lineup of Jimmer Fredette, Justin Bieber and Gordon Hayward.
Can you say NBA Finals? Can you at least say an increase in female interest in the Utah Jazz?
Just kidding, Utah Jazz fans. Shooting guard Klay Thompson of Washington State is selected instead.
Phoenix Suns Select Jordan Hamilton with the 13th Pick
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"Great, we take yet another small forward. In addition to this Hamilton guy, we now have Jared Dudley, Grant Hill, Mickael Pietrus and Josh Childress," Steve Nash moans as he watches David Stern announce the decision.
Suns president Lon Babby was told by his mother growing up, "It's always important to have plenty of small forwards on your team."
That mantra has stuck with Babby for his tenure on the Suns. His first roster comprised of small forwards Childress, Hedo Turkoglu (who started at power forward), Hill, Dudley and little-used Earl Clark. To a lesser extent Hakim Warrick can play small forward.
The Suns missed the playoffs this year. Babby's obsession with small forwards has been detrimental to the overall success of the franchise. Sadly, Babby's mother's advice may cost him his job.
Why not take a big forward to complement all those small forwards, Lon?
Houston Rockets Select Jonas Valanciunas with the 14th Pick
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The Houston Rockets are in a bit of limbo. Without Yao Ming's carcass holding them down, their personnel is suited for a fast-breaking style. Point guards Kyle Lowry and Goran Dragic are great on the open floor, and wings such as Courtney Lee, Kevin Martin and Chase Budinger are all perfect for the uptempo style.
But at the same time Chuck Hayes is their starting center. Houston, we have a problem! A complementary piece like Valaciunas can only boost the Rockets' chances at solving the problem. Rockets GM Daryl Morey gets a steal by taking the much higher-rated Valaciunas.
Indiana Pacers Select Tristan Thompson with the 15th Pick
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Tristan Thompson's intense style should provide good practice fodder for Tyler Hansbrough. Thompson can compete for minutes with the likes of Psycho T and Josh McRoberts. His defensive prowess can never hurt his draft stock. He can still make his way into the NBA with defense and rebounding.
Philadelphia Trades the 16th Pick to Golden State
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Golden State selects Markieff Morris. This complements the No. 12 pick, when they selected twin brother Marcus Morris. The Morris twins will terrorize the NBA with their twin magic. Okay, maybe they'll terrorize the second unit for the first couple of years.
By the way, 76ers">Philadelphia receives next year's first-round pick from Golden State. The pick is protected up to the top 10. Golden State should have realized the Morris twins are not going to lose 10 games, much less earn a top-10 pick in the 2012 draft. But it is a small price to pay to acquire the vaunted Morris twins.
New York Knicks Select Alec Burks with the 17th Pick
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David Stern brings out Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to announce the Knicks' selection.
Rock: "With the 17th pick, the New York Knicks select Alex Burks. Get your head up, Alex—you get to be paid millions to stand there while Melo and Amar'e Stoudemire go 2-on-5,000 every possession."
Alec Burks: "But my name is Alec."
Rock: "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!!"
Washington Wizards Select Trey Thompkins with the 18th Pick
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"Trey Thompkins can complement our players very well. He has the versatility to play the small and power forward positions," Flip Saunders says as he unintentionally tries to make the viewers fall asleep.
Saunders is an under-appreciated coach who knows how to utilize unique offenses and defenses tailored to his team. Remember the 1/2/2 zone with Kevin Garnett up top while he was in Minnesota.
What he should do is to make the Washington Wizards the fastest-paced team in the NBA. John Wall at point guard is a blur. Nick Young and Rashard Lewis can run the wings. Recently selected Kawhi Leonard can run the court as well. JaVale McGee has ridiculous athleticism. Andray Blatche can run the court.
Dick Vitale is knocked out cold. Jay Bilas is mumbling that Kyle Singler or Nolan Smith should have been taken at No. 18. Mercifully, we cut to commercial.
Charlotte Bobcats Select Kenneth Faried with the 19th Pick
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Michael Jordan on why he selected Kenneth Faried: "He has the most rebounds in NCAA history. I see a lot of Dennis Rodman in him."
Ken, if you get picked by Charlotte, please don't try to be the next Dennis Rodman. Play like him on the court, but not off the court.
Minnesota Timberwolves Select Nolan Smith with the 20th Pick
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Dick Vitale finally wakes up from his nap once he hears the name Nolan Smith get called. Vitale is enthusiastic about the selection:
"Minnesota will go all the way, baby! Mr. Smith can team up with Mr. Beasley to win the NBA Finals!"
Jay Bilas quickly corrects him: "Go back to sleep, Dick. Nolan Smith was just traded to Charlotte for the 28th pick and some cash."
"Charlotte will go all the way, baby!" Vitale yells. "With Mr. Jordan and Mr. Smith, the Bobcats have the greatest backcourt of all time, baby!"
Portland Selects Rudy Obijiwano with the 21st Pick
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Portland selects an obscure center from the African nation of Zambia named Rudy Obijiwano. The 18-year-old Obijiwano is 7'1" with an 8'0" wingspan and a 50" vertical.
He has only played one season in his native Zambia. He played for the Lusaka Stars in the Zambian league. He averaged 50 points, grabbed 34 rebounds and rejected 16 applicants to the basket.
He is the perfect replacement for Greg Oden at Portland. Obijiwano can learn under veteran big man Marcus Camby until he is ready to take over. He has no history of injury problems. Sam Bowie and Greg Oden both endorsed selecting him. Nate McMillan dropped his jaw once he was told about Obijiwano.
The only problem is Rudy Obijiwano doesn't exist.
Instead they take USC big man Nikola Vucevic. Vucevic can at least play quality minutes off the bench. He is a fundamentally sound power forward.
Code name for "fundamentally sound" means he knows how to carry bags for Marcus Camby and LaMarcus Aldridge.
Denver Nuggets Select JaJuan Johnson with the 22nd Pick
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JaJuan Johnson is a quality big man who the Denver Nuggets won't regret taking. With Kenyon Martin's longevity always in question, Johnson can become Denver's power forward of the future. He has a solid all-around game and is very long and athletic.
Wait a minute—Johnson can't play on the Nuggets. He doesn't have any tattoos. Rookie, get in that tattoo parlor. Be as inked as J.R. Smith and Chris Andersen combined.
Houston Rockets Trade 23rd Pick to Indiana Pacers for Cash
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The Indiana Pacers trade a lot of money to the Houston Rockets for the right to select local hometown hero Shelvin Mack. Mack can shoot lights out and was a part of two national runner-ups. In short, he is a winner. The Indiana Pacers want to be a winning team.
Mack and Darren Collison can team up to be a very solid point guard tandem. No joke—the Indiana Pacers made a great selection.
Oklahoma City Thunder Select Chris Singleton with the 24th Pick
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Florida State standout Chris Singleton is selected by Oklahoma City. Singleton says he looks forward to carrying Kevin Durant's backpack. He can't wait to team up with James Harden and Eric Maynor on the second unit of a loaded Thunder roster.
His defensive prowess will enable him to earn a minute on Scott Brooks' team. Notice I say a minute. The other 47 minutes of the game he must carry Durant's backpack on the bench.
Boston Celtics Select Jordan Williams with the 25th Pick
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Jordan Williams is a beast. His power will ease the sting of the loss of Kendrick Perkins.
Dallas Mavericks Select Justin Harper with the 26th Pick
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Dallas can use some depth at the power forward position. In fact, there is a gaping hole there with some German named Dirk starting. Get him out of there!
Justin Harper can be similar to Dirk Nowitzki with his shooting ability. He doesn't need to play right away, but Rick Carlisle would never have a problem with adding an extra weapon.
New Jersey Nets Trade the 27th Pick to the Lakers for Lamar Odom
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Why did the Lakers trade Sixth Man of the Year Lamar Odom to the Nets for the 27th pick?
Did Mitch Kupchak smoke some of that peyote Phil Jackson lent him after he got the second pick and Ricky Rubio for Ron Artest? Did the Kardashian sisters conspire to unite Odom with Kim's beau Kris Humphries? Did Mikhail Prokhorov use Russian-style negotiation tactics to make this deal happen?
The world may never know.
By the way, the Lakers select UCLA small forward Tyler Honeycutt.
Minnesota Timberwolves Select Darius Morris with the 28th Pick
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Darius Morris is going to be a man under tremendous pressure. He comes to a team traumatized by horrible decisions. I'm talking about Toronto taking future Turkish malcontent Enes Kanter. Thank the Canadian wiretapping agency for saving Raptors fans from unexpected betrayal.
David Kahn on the matter: "Darius Morris was picked because he has exceptional value. He was traded to Toronto for a 2034 unprotected first-round pick. That's about the time I want to start pushing to contend."
San Antonio Spurs Select Tobias Harris with the 29th Pick
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"Tobias Harris fills a gaping hole at small forward," Jay Bilas says, forgetting about Richard Jefferson.
Jefferson takes exception to Bilas' analysis: "Hey! What about me?"
"I thought you got traded to the Clippers for a 2014 second-round pick," Bilas answers. Jefferson nods grimly.
Spurs fans, be thankful I am joking. Maybe don't be thankful after RJ's vanishing act in the playoffs.
Charlotte Bobcats Select Kyle Singler with the 30th Pick
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"Yes! The Charlotte Bobcats are going 82-0, baby!" Dick Vitale yells as soon as Singler's name is called out. "Mr. Jordan and Mr. Singler will team up with Mr. Smith to form the greatest trio of all time!"
Jay Bilas attempts to calm down Dick Vitale. "Dick, Bobcats coach Paul Silas said Kyle Singler isn't starting. By the way, Michael Jordan doesn't play anymore. He is the owner."
"What? Kyle Singler isn't starting?" Vitale questions Silas during an interview. "Are you crazy?"
Winners in the 2011 NBA Draft
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Minnesota psychiatrists: Visits to the psychiatrist go up in Minnesota by 450 percent after David Kahn trades Derrick Williams and Ricky Rubio to the Lakers for Ron Artest.
Los Angeles Lakers: They acquired Derrick Williams and Ricky Rubio for Ron Artest. Enough said.
Derrick Williams: Williams was drafted by the Lakers.
Duke fans: They must love it when Dick Vitale and Jay Bilas howl in approval once a Duke player is drafted. Three Blue Devils were picked in the first round.
Utah Jazz owners: The choice of Jimmer Fredette at No. 3 might be a reach, but ticket sales will go through the roof.
The Morris twins: Hey! They get to play together! What's not to like?
Losers in the 2011 NBA Draft
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Minnesota Timberwolves fans: Do I need to say anything?
Lamar Odom: In addition to being moved away from Hollywood, he teams up with his sister's boyfriend in New Jersey. I can't wait until the second season of Odom's reality show comes out.
Ron Artest: Ron Artest is a tragic victim of a man gone mad in David Kahn. Never mind—Kahn was already mad.
David Kahn: If this trade doesn't work out, he had better check the classifieds for job openings.
Utah Jazz fans' wallets: Ticket sales now average $10,500 with Fredette on the team.
Everyone not a Duke fan: Dick Vitale and Jay Bilas run their mouths about the three Duke players selected.
2011 NBA Draft Recap
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What a first round in this year's draft! The NBA draft is filled with shocking moments and hilarious dialogue.
Cleveland bolsters its lineup for the future by selecting Kyrie Irving No. 1 and Jan Vesely No. 4. Utah shocks everybody by reaching for hometown hero Jimmer Fredette at No. 3. Minnesota fans riot as David Kahn gives up No. 2 pick Derrick Williams and Ricky Rubio for Ron Artest. All just because Kahn's fears over his insanity needed to be confirmed.
All in all, this mock draft is a humorous diversion from an inexact science. It is not easy to correctly predict what the teams will do. Nevertheless, I tried my best to create a mock draft that will account for human error. With a possible lockout looming, the draft might be the only hope for teams this year.
Thanks for reading!
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