Nebraska Football Humor: The Washington Cornhuskers?

(Former Nebraska and current Washington running back Roy Helu, smiling at the thought of at least not having to play Texas any more.)

The Husker Hotwire staff is well acquainted with issues of insensitivity. There was that incident surrounding the team bus of the North Dakota men's volleyball team and a clothing store, but no more can be said until the restraining order expires. Suffice it to say that sensitivity has been an area of focus for the Hotwire in recent months.

That may explain the reaction of the Hotwire staff when the professional football team from Washington selected three Nebraska players in a row in last week's draft. From the third to the fifth round, Roy Helu, Dejon Gomes, and Niles Paul were selected by the Washington R...the Washington R...the Washington Racially Insensitive Nicknames.

Was it a coincidence that three Nebraska players were selected so early by Washington? The Hotwire was aware that Nebraska offensive coordinator Shawn Watson was no longer a university employee, but a quick Google search discovered that Watson was not employed by the Racially Insensitive Nicknames. It was suggested that perhaps Washington saw Nebraska's offensive prowess in 2010 and felt they needed to get as much of that Husker offense in place to make a Super Bowl run.

But then the Hotwire staff realized that "D-Magic" would sound kind of silly for Donovan McNabb, and that idea was benched.

Finally, the answer became clear. Washington is intending to change their nickname from the R... the R... the Racially Insensitive Nicknames to the Cornhuskers. Knowing such a change would be traumatic, the team decided to load up on ex-Huskers so the players would feel more comfortable with the new nickname.

After all, changing the team's nickname to one reducing an entire population of individuals to chubby, goofy-looking farmers in bib overalls with corn cobs sticking out of their pockets solves their stereotyping problem. Right?

HUSKER NON-FOOTBALL UPDATE

Amazingly enough, the University of Nebraska participates in other sports besides football. Like baseball for example. The Husker baseball program, once the envy of the nation, lost another conference series, this time to hated rivals Texas. In the series, Nebraska was outscored 21-14, and the series loss pretty well consigns Nebraska to missing out on the Big XII Tournament for a third straight year.

Yes, the tournament where eight teams out of 10 play. Do the arithmetic.

Clearly, such a fall from grace would result in the dismissal of head baseball coach Mike Anderson in a demonstration that athletic director Doctor Tom Osborne will not allow Nebraska programs to...just a moment...apparently all signs point to Anderson returning for another season at the helm of NU, because the BeeOneGee Conference is so bad at baseball that NU should be able to compete.That should make for a good slogan come time to sell Nebraska baseball season tickets next year.

BEEONEGEE CONFERENCE UPDATE

At the Husker Hotwire, we are committed to bringing you coverage of Nebraska's new opponents in the B1G Conference. B1G Conference Hotwire reports that B1G Grand PooBah Jim Delaney compared Nebraska to the Green Bay Packers in terms of national appeal for a small population. The B1G Hotwire further reports that Nebraska's gracious new hosts took that with the good humor that was intended, as can be seen in an ESPN comments thread here making the obligatory references to "corn holes," "nothing else to do in that God forsaken state," and the always-clever "Huck the Fuskers."

AROUND THE NETWORK

Buckeye Hotwire is clearly not getting paid enough, as now they are reporting that Ohio State is being investigated for university boosters selling cars to football players at below-market value. Like $0, which even the Hotwire staff recognizes as a sweet deal. Not-yet-fired Jim Tressel is not yet linked with this story, but it appears the NCAA will be asking questions of him. And having absolutely no reason to think he'd lie, of course.

Wolverine Hotwire is clearly feeling that the hated Buckeyes are pulling ahead in the depressing-but-incredibly-predictable bad news race, and therefore announced that Michigan wide receiver Darryl Stonum was indefinitely suspended after his DUI arrest. It is unclear if Stonum actually committed a crime, or if the Michigan coaching staff just made something up to keep up with the Buckeyes.

Sun Devil Hotwire is excited to announce that Arizona State has unveiled a spiffy new logo, new uniforms, and a very intimidating new "Fear the Fork" motto. As a sign of the branding's success, the Sun Devils have already locked up a certain Chicago street gang as new ASU fans. Additionally, ASU assures everyone that the new pitchfork logo is not at all inspired by the UC San Diego Tritons' pitchfork logo. Not one little bit. I mean, where are the flames on UCSD's logo, for crying out loud?

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