The 50 Funniest Fantasy Baseball Team Names
Ah, fantasy baseball is upon us once more.
While fantasy football is preferred by many, I enjoy managing a team every day over the course of a 162-game season. I like setting my lineup based on pitching matchups, scanning the waiver wire each day in search of a player on a hot streak, and scrolling through the endless texts about potential trades.
It's like a sports geek getting to be the manager and front office. It's awesome.
But beyond the deft wheeling-and-dealing, nothing sets a team apart quite like a good name. So, in that spirit, I've compiled a list of the 50 funniest team names for your fantasy squad.
Some of these you may have come across. While I purposefully didn't search for any funny team names, I have seen a few over the years I've liked and committed to memory. But the large majority are simply my (mildly clever) gift to you.
As always, be sure to leave your team names in the comments.
Now, without further ado, let's play ball!
50. All These Things That I've Dunn
1 of 50
The version the Killers did about fantasy baseball. It's basically a song about the joys of home runs, RBI and the frustration of strikeouts.
49. Paddle Your Own Cano
2 of 50
Robinson Cano certainly did that last year, ending any debate whether or not he was the top second basemen in fantasy baseball.
48. The (Michael) Young and the Restless
3 of 50
Especially this offseason, when Young demanded to be traded, namely because of his desire to play in the field rather than be a designated hitter.
47. Before Youkillis All
4 of 50
Sigh. I don't care for country music. I certainly didn't care for Randy Travis. So I dedicate this reference to you, proud hicks of the world.
46. Jeter O'Cola
5 of 50
This is how I imagine Derek Jeter's contract negotiations went this offseason:
Dimpus Burger Guy: [into mic] Litrecola? Do we sell litrecola?
Thorny: Will you just order a large, Farva?
Farva: I don't want a large farva. I want a god (bleep) litre o' cola!
45. Mr. Met Has Blue Balls
6 of 50
Oh, the Mets. So many expectations, so little success. Who could forget them blowing a seven-game lead with 17 games to play in 2007?
Hey, Jason Bay, are you there? What about you, Carlos Beltran?
Keep smiling, Mr. Met—we know you are dead inside.
44. Do the Wright Thing
7 of 50
And draft David Wright once Evan Longoria is off of the board. He is the one player I have legitimate respect for on the Mets.
43. Depths of an Ethier Binge
8 of 50
If you don't get this reference, please either see or read "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas."
For everybody else, be careful—this is bat country.
42. Cust in the Wind
9 of 50
Every time you see Jack Cust, I want you to imagine Will Ferrell singing "Dust in the Wind" at Blue's Funeral.
"You're my boy, Blue! You're my boy."
41. One Joyce Scatters A Thousand Griefs
10 of 50
The original Chinese proverb, "One joy scatters a thousand griefs," is a positive saying. But see, in my idiom about Jim Joyce ruining Armando Galarraga's perfect game, I'm flipping the script.
Wait, what's that? You don't care?
If you have to explain it, it's not that funny?
Right. Proceed.
40. You Don't Mess With the Zobrist
11 of 50
What the film should have been called: "You Shouldn't Waste Your Money on this Movie."
What your fantasy Hollywood team should be called: "You Don't Mess with the Lohan."
What your "I'm a Middle-Earth Geek" team should be called: "You Don't Mess with the Rohan."
And I'm spent. Thanks for playing.
39. Just Doumit
12 of 50
Hey, even obscure bench players like Ryan Doumit of the Pirates deserve love now and again.
This, however, is not advice for your fantasy team. Just go ahead and avoid the majority of the Pirates.
38. The Good, the Bad and the Uggla
13 of 50
The Good: The Phillies.
The Bad: The odds the Braves will overtake them for the NL East this year.
The Uggla: A roster upgrade that will do little to change the above. I mean, have you seen this guy attempt to field his position?
He is aptly named.
37. Don't Be A Dickey
14 of 50
I couldn't resist.
36. Bail Bondsman
15 of 50
Don't lie, kids. Especially to a grand jury.
35. The Loney Express
16 of 50
James Loney may be getting the message very quickly that his lack of power could make him expendable and open up a roster spot for hot prospect Jerry Sands.
34. Braden: God of Thunder
17 of 50
Yeah, this is a shout out for the Mortal Kombat nerds out there. I'm not sure if Dallas Braden is a deadly fighter, but he did throw a perfect game last year, so he's got that going for him.
33. Huff the Magic Dragon
18 of 50
In no way, shape or form does this team name promote the listening to of Peter, Paul and Mary songs.
32. Bats in the Pelfrey
19 of 50
Or, more accurately, all over his pitches.
31. A Mighty Lind
20 of 50
Unless you would prefer "Gone with the Lind" here.
You sap.
30. Bust A Capps in Yo...Butt
21 of 50
You had no idea Matt Capps was hard like that, did you?
Relievin' ain't easy, yo!
29. From Dusk Till Braun
22 of 50
1. That movie was really strange.
2. There are few safer bets than Braun in fantasy at this point. So lock him up, and sleep easy knowing he will consistently produce.
28. McCutchen for Straws
23 of 50
Which pretty much sums up the expectations for the Pirates' offense this season.
Andrew McCutchen will produce, and little else is certain.
For the four Pirates fans out there raising a fuss, I know there are some young players like Pedro Alvarez who have a lot of potential.
But c'mon, it's the Pirates. Betting on a losing season is as safe as abstinence.
27. And Evan Meek Shall Inherit the Earth
24 of 50
Or eventually the closer role, to be more precise.
26. Original Chacin
25 of 50
Say it with me kids: Jhoulys Chacin.
Oh, I apologize, let's try that again: (Yo-lease Cha-seen).
25. Seventh-Day Sabathia
26 of 50
Though, if you have Sabathia, your day of rest will come every fifth day, when the big man is slated to start.
So kick back and relax. You've got nothing to worry about with CC dealing on the hill.
24. The Cahills Have Eyes
27 of 50
And if you do, you've likely noticed that the he went 18-8 last year with a 2.97 ERA and 1.11 WHIP, earning him a trip to the All-Star Game.
Slide him into your rotation as a decent number two or an excellent number three, and be glad you did.
23. The Long and Winding Rhodes
28 of 50
Baltimore Orioles (1991–1999)
Seattle Mariners (2000–2003)
Oakland Athletics (2004)
Cleveland Indians (2005)
Philadelphia Phillies (2006)
Seattle Mariners (2008)
Florida Marlins (2008)
Cincinnati Reds (2009–2010)
Texas Rangers (2011)
22. Got A Whole Votto Love
29 of 50
And the reigning MVP has earned the love after his stellar season last year.
So, pitchers, be wary of trying to be Votto's "backdoor slider man"—he will make you pay dearly.
21. Vlad to the Bone
30 of 50
Vlad is bad, for sure. Unfortunately, Vlad to the Bone is also incredibly injury-prone. So relying on him to play 152 games like he did last year is a risk, even as a DH.
20. Hunter Pence None the Richer
31 of 50
I'm a bit embarrassed that I recall this band. Because, obviously, I don't have "Kiss Me" playing in my iPod right now.
I swear I don't.
Sigh.
19. Keyser Sosa
32 of 50
Let's compare:
Both were powerful men.
Check.
Both kept up the act even under the most intense scrutiny.
Check.
We didn't learn of their true identity until the damage was done.
Check.
18. You and Me Baby Ain't Nothing but Hamels
33 of 50
So let's do it like you did when you won both the 2008 NLCS and World Series MVP.
I prefer this version of the song.
17. LaRoche Clip
34 of 50
Let me guess—those of you who are into this reference are also fans of the Nuggets, Blazers, Justin Smoak of the Mariners, ex-NFL and current Arena Football League quarterback Jeff Smoker, ex-MLB pitcher Bud Smith and running back LeGarrette Blount.
Now that you've had your laugh, wipe the Doritos from your hemp shirt, brush your teeth, and go outside to reacquaint yourselves with the sun.
16. Tower of Mauer
35 of 50
Because he keeps rocking the hits.
Boom!
15. Napoli Dynamite
36 of 50
With the power numbers he puts up, you would think teams would find more playing time for him.
Gosh!
Last year, Napoli played in a career-high 140 games, and responded with 26 home runs and 68 ribbies. Though, his .236 average and .316 OBP didn't help his cause.
14. Miguel Should Have Called a Cab(rera)
37 of 50
Drunk driving is not cool, kids.
13. Fukodome? Fukodoyou!
38 of 50
Inspired by the lovely twins from Austin Powers in Goldmember, obviously.
12. Make Love, Not WAR
39 of 50
Unless you just looked up and smiled at the picture of Bill James you have hanging over your bed, you may not know what I am talking about here.
WAR stands for wins above replacement, a stat used by sabermetric junkies to determine the value of a player as compared to the average "replacement player" that might come off of a team's bench.
So this team is a suggestion to all of the stat geeks, locked away, crunching numbers in a basement somewhere.
11. The Haren the Tortoise
40 of 50
If Jered Weaver and Dan Haren live up to expectations, the Angels could challenge the Rangers for the NL West this season.
Even if they don't get off to a quick start.
10. Brevity Is the Soul of DeWitt
41 of 50
And drafting Blake DeWitt for your fantasy team is the soul of failure.
9. Ellsbury My Heart At Wounded Knee
42 of 50
I know, I know, it was a rib injury. So close to being perfect. But hey, I enjoy this one anyhow, so just roll with it.
8. Thome Don't Play That
43 of 50
His swing is harder than a gangster, for real for real.
7. Oscar the Rauch
44 of 50
I have no idea if he is grouchy. Though, if I was 6'11", I might be. Mostly because people would be constantly pointing out how tall I was.
That must be annoying, people pointing out how tall Jon Rauch is all of the time.
But I mean, he is really tall, you know?
6. Inglourious Bastardos
45 of 50
Antonio Bastardo is a middle reliever for the Phillies.
And an easy target for fantasy team names.
5. Thelma and Ruiz
46 of 50
This wouldn't fly in Philadelphia for two reasons:
1. We already call him Chooch.
2. There isn't a starter on the staff—not even Joe Blanton—who fits the "Thelma" bill.
Although, I sometimes suspect that Ruiz wouldn't hesitate to kill a man if the situation called for it...
4. The Devil Wears Prado
47 of 50
But you already knew that the Devil was a Braves fan. How else do you think they won 14 consecutive division titles?
4. Honey Nut Ichiros
48 of 50
A healthy addition to a well-balanced lineup.
2. A Priest, A Rabbi and A Minister Walk into Aybar
49 of 50
And they can't believe their good luck, bumping into an Angel like that.
Rimshot!
1. Hakuna Tejada
50 of 50
Hakuna Tejada!
What a wonderful phrase
Hakuna Tejada!
Got caught up in craze
It means no more steroids for the rest his days
So quit that GHB
Immediately
Hakuna Tejada!
