Draft Observations: The 5 People You Meet in Fantasy Baseball

Although I have never read it, this piece is inspired by Mitch Albom’s bestseller The Five People You Meet In Heaven. As with everything else in my life, I give it a fantasy baseball twist.

It is one of the first things I ever wrote when I started writing about fantasy sports, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did coming up with it.

Back in the day, the fact was that almost all fantasy players were really into the game. “Fantasy Dorks” we were called by those not gifted enough to play. A guy who talked about fantasy sports was mocked with such taunts as, “He definitely has no girlfriend,” and similar barbs.

My, my, how times have changed! Now everyone has at least one team, and some are so obsessed with fantasy sports they are well overdue for their own support group.

Being one of those aforementioned "fantasy dorks" with way too much time on my hands, I have gone beyond studying the game to studying the players themselves, and, given my affinity for the movie Reservoir Dogs, I will sometimes assign names to other owners in fantasy baseball leagues. And much like Joe, who ran the show in Tarantino’s masterpiece, I don’t allow people to pick their names, although mine are based more on your performance, not random colors.

You might not always run into all of these people in every league, but I’d be willing to bet you’ll get two or three every time.

Mr. Add & Drop

Almost every league has this guy, and some have more than one. Mr. Add & Drop does exactly what his name says, adds and drops players with all the discretion of your proverbial drunken sailor. I’m talking two or three moves on a daily basis.

There was a guy in one league I played in last year that had 70 moves before the season even started! All this type of player is doing is recycling one free agent after another, trying to hit that one prize that he can actually use.

When he actually does score a winner, all you’ll hear is him shouting to the rooftops about how he knew all along that he was going to be a diamond in the rough, and how smart he was for picking up that player when he did. Can you say blind squirrel?

Give your team members a longer leash before they find themselves on the chopping block. You can identify this fan by his unique appreciation of the way George Steinbrenner handled managers.

Mr. Disappearing Drafter

My least favorite player.

This character is the one who comes to the draft, is about as successful as an Alaskan ice cube salesman, then a month into the season finds himself in dead last and you never hear from them again.

He doesn’t ever check back in, and he doesn’t replace people that are injured. His average daily lineup has more holes in it than the Golden State Warriors’ defense, and his players are completely out of the game as you can’t trade with this person because he doesn’t play.

This player can normally be spotted wearing either Kansas City Royals, Cincinnati Bengals or Sacramento Kings gear. 

Mr. 2005 All-Star Team

He’s very excited about where Manny Ramirez landed in free agency, because he’s got a roster spot for him.

This is generally a player that doesn’t spend a bunch of his time keeping up with his fantasy baseball. They can’t believe Jim Thome fell past the third round, and didn’t Aramis Ramirez hit 40+ homers just last year?

You can spot these guys at the draft because they are usually wearing an '80s hair-band concert shirt.

Mr. 2013 All-Star Team

The opposite of Mr. 2005 is Mr. 2013.

He’ll have Domonic Brown, Dustin Ackley, J.P. Arencibia, Jeremy Hellickson, Freddie Freeman, Kyle Drabek, and Craig Kimbrel on his team.

It is vital for a championship team to have some of these guys sprinkled around their roster, but oh no, Mr. 2013 has them all...and he’s in eighth place. Rookies are nice, but usually inconsistent. Loading up on them is not a good strategy.

Normally, this player can be seen wearing a throwback Bryce Harper Washington Nationals jersey.

Mr. Hometown Hero

This one seems to involve Yankees fans an awful lot of the time.

You can tell who this person’s favorite team is by looking at his roster for two seconds. It is loaded with players from one specific team, and the holes are filled by guys who USED to play for that team.

You don’t see this a lot with Pirates or Indians fans. Let’s face it, after Andrew McCutchen and Carlos Santana there isn’t a lot to get excited about with those clubs. But Mr. Hometown Hero Yankee fan will have Sabathia, Teixeira, A-Rod, Cano, Rivera, Jeter, and of course this year will even have the new addition of Rafael Soriano.

The good part about this player is that if you happen to be lucky enough to get one of his favorite team’s players, you can usually milk him and get much more than his value back in a trade.

They are easily identifiable by the NY jersey with the big blue No. 2 on the back.

Do you have any other fantasy players that I forgot?

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