Chicago Cubs: Charlie Sheen's Words of Wisdom for 102-Plus Years of Futility

Like a bat out of hell, Charlie Sheen has become the Buddha for a new age.

Spouting deep philosophical banter on a second-by-second basis, he has become our generation's own Gary Busey (if Busey wasn't still kicking and screaming at Donald Trump on the new Celebrity Apprentice).

The man who made the "Wild Thing" song popular again and convinced countless of us young baseball players to carve lightning bolts into the back of our heads and wear ridiculous Roy Orbison glasses on the mound has now become a modern Laozi, spitting out the Tao of Sheen without hesitation.

Machete in hand, and Tiger's Blood filled to the brim in his personal Gatorade squirt bottle, Sheen could very easily turn the Chicago Cubs' 102-plus years of World Series failure into a dynasty of which the likes have never been seen. His Adonis DNA alone is enough to reduce the "Billy Goat Curse" into Cabrito Guisado (Kid Goat Stew).

It's time for Cubs general manager Jim Hendry to step aside like Ike Clanton and allow Sheen to spit some wisdom and philosophy into the clubhouse at Clark and Addison.

What would the former Topper Harley have to say, you might ask? What wouldn't he? From warlocks to F-18 fighter jets, Sheen could reshape the history of Chicago sports with just slight exposure to his blessed genetic condition, turning the traditional Cubs mantra "LOSING," into Sheen's rallying cry of "WINNING!"

DISCLAIMER/WARNING: Constant exposure to Sheen's teachings could possibly lead to your face melting off and your children weeping over your exploded body. It may also lead to blindness, diarrhea and an inordinate amount of winning...

1. ON 102-PLUS SEASONS WITHOUT A WORLD SERIES: "They need to just close their eyes and make it so with the power of their mind and unlearn 102 years of fiction. Get with it and start WINNING! It's perfect. It's awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary. People say it's lonely at the top, but I sure like the view."

2. ON FIRST-YEAR CUBS MANAGER MIKE QUADE: "He has a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a seven-year-old. That's how I describe him."

3. ON OPENING THE SEASON WITH A SOLID WINNING STREAK: "I mean, what's not to love? Especially when you see how we party man, it's epic. The run we could go on would make Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, just look like droopy-eyed, armless children."

4. ON THE CROSSTOWN RIVALRY WITH THE WHITE SOX: "I’m sorry, man, but we’ve got magic. We’ve got poetry in our fingertips most of the time—and this includes naps. We're an F-18, bro, and we will destroy you in the air and we will deploy our ordinance to the ground."

5. ON THE NEGATIVITY OF MANY CUBS FANS SINCE THE 2003 COLLAPSE: "Look what we're dealing with, man. We're dealing with fools and trolls. We're dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in our underwear before our first cup of coffee...they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at us and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show."

6. ON CARLOS ZAMBRANO'S PAST ANGER ISSUES: "He just doesn't want to live like he used to. And at some point, he's going to put a gag order on himself in terms of talking about the past. He's got to slam the door and deal with the present and the future."

7. ON BEING PICKED TO FINISH FOURTH IN THE DIVISION BY MANY EXPERTS: "What they're not ready for is guys like them and me and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes."

While Sheen's wisdom might ring true, the ultimate test will come in early April. Mike Quade's stint as a Cubs manager could rise and fall on how Chicago comes out of the gate. A slow start and the vultures will circle, but a hot opening might lead to a little breathing room in the stifling media market of the Windy City.

Of course, if Quade is sporting Adonis DNA and pounding Tiger's Blood like water, there is nothing to fear, unless he decides his best means of motivation is trading in his beloved fungo for a machete. Carlos Silva beware!