NBA Science Fiction: The Celtics Are Aliens and the Lakers Are Human

I’m not a science fiction buff, so don’t extrapolate any ideas about my physique or mental stability from this article.

There is one novel every human must read: Orson Scott Card's Ender’s Game.  As a debate mediator (and participator), I’m not supposed to bring in religion, but aside from the Holy Bible, there is no book that so clearly represents life as Ender’s Game.  This work can be used as a metaphor for just about every human concept that exists.

The Lakers and Celtics are no exception.

I will now take the time to issue a spoiler alert, which I know really does not matter since my sports-loving audience won’t ever touch a copy of this geeky book, but on the off chance that you do, here you go.

*Spoiler Alert*

For background purposes, let me indulge in a short brief.  In the distant future, our human progeny survive extinction when they face and defeat the buggers, alien invaders with an uncanny resemblance to ants.  Never to be caught off-guard again, the world unites and forms an international army made up of the smartest children around the world.  These children are trained to command the future soldiers in case of a second invasion by the buggers.

The Celtics are Buggers

In battle school, the children are trained to know the “offense” of the buggers by watching “videotapes” of the first invasion (sound familiar yet)?  The book breaks down a few characteristics of the “bugger offense.”

The buggers are “one mind”

During the first invasion, the buggers give the humans fits because in an instant, the whole army is able to change in one direction, or move in several different directions at the same time.  This is because the buggers are “one mind.”  To put it another way, a single bugger ship can be thought of as the equivalent to a finger on a human being.  It is simply an appendage or ligament that is ultimately controlled by a greater mind.  This greater mind is the queen.

In terms of the Celtics offense, the Celtics run set plays.  Each player is an appendage to the “body” of the Celtics.  The “queen mind” of the Celtics is Doc Rivers. 

Without the offense, the buggers “offense” is nonexistent.

Since each bugger ship depends on the queen to give it instantaneous direction, without the queen’s orders, the bugger army is unable to function.  If a bugger ship attempts to function on its own, it will fail.  No movement will register.  No action will be taken.

In terms of the Celtics offense, the Celtics players can’t do it alone.  They require the combination of team plays, ball movement generated from picks and dribble penetration to function.  Without a team mindset, the Celtics would not be the Celtics.  Once again, this is the result of having “one mind.”

The buggers have only one mind.  Therefore, they are limited to the genius of that one mind.

Because the buggers are controlled by one entity, you could argue that the buggers are one “person.”  Even though as an army they have the ability to coordinate formation shifts in an instant, they will always be limited to the mind of the single queen.

In terms of the Celtics offense, the players will always be limited in their ability to shine due to the offense.  The ability for players to perform is contingent on the execution of the Celtics offense.  The Celtics can only be as good as Doc River’s plays.

The Lakers are Humans

The humans couldn’t be more different.  Here’s a breakdown of their offense.

Humans have their own mind.

Each human being has a mind of his own.  Each has the ability to control his ship.  If a commander gives an order to form a line with other ships, the human has the mental capacity to refuse. Each human is in control of his own destiny.

In terms of the Lakers offense, each player must read the defense on his own and act accordingly.  No “greater mind” (or play) dictates where each body should be at a certain time in a certain play.  Each acts according to his own interpretation of what he sees on the floor.

Even without an offense to coordinate an attack, each human being can still attack.

Unlike the buggers who neurologically require orders from a higher being, the human beings have the ability to remember the objective and continue functioning.  If a commander dies in battle, another human being can take charge and find a way to stage the next attack.

In terms of the Lakers offense, even when the offense is not functioning, the skillsets of each individual Laker can keep the Lakers afloat in the game.

Each human has the capability to be a tactical genius.

Although as a whole, the humans have difficulty changing formations, since each ship has its own "queen," each has the ability to coordinate a successful attack.  Each human being has the ability to shine in battle.  In a way, the human army is comprised of thousands of queens.

In terms of the Lakers offense, since each player can think on his own, the Lakers can have five individual minds working capable of making the magic happen as opposed to being limited to the thought process of the coach.

Conclusion

Doc Rivers runs a system that truly embodies team basketball which produces ball movement, balanced touches and open shots. 

Phil Jackson runs a system that puts the players in control of their own destiny.  He refrains from calling time outs to let the players figure out their issues on their own.  The Triangle allows players to play a team game while holding onto their individuality.