WWE Raw Review January 31, 2011: The Night After the Rumble

-A couple Rumble thoughts before we get started:

Edge vs. Dolph Ziggler
-It was a good enough match but who really cares or bought Ziggler as a legitimate threat? It was basically Edge vs. Vickie with Dolph there as Generic Heel #5.

Miz vs. Orton
-If this were the actual main event, people would have absolutely hated this show. I don’t get what everyone sees in Orton workrate-wise…I think he’s boring as hell. Sure, the crowd pops for him but that doesn’t mean anything in the ring.

Women’s title match
-Total piss break.

Royal Rumble
-Awesome spot from John Morrison avoiding elimination.
-Loved Daniel Bryan kicking the hell out of William Regal for about 2 minutes…nice stiff stuff that only a man could take.
-I can’t believe people marked out for Kevin Nash (Kevin Nash!). This is the same guy who said fans would have to drive a stake through his heart to get rid of him and now we act like he’s 85 Hogan? You better hope Vince ignores the crowd reaction…don’t say I didn’t warn you. Booker T looked like it was 2000 all over again, people forget he’s 45 years old.

-The 40-man thing turned out to be not that big of a deal, especially with Nexus dominating their portion and tossing like 5 guys.

-In the end though, the right guy won. They got a decent pop out of the Santino false finish but that would have been ridiculous. Del Rio is the guy they are strapping the proverbial rocket to so he was the logical choice to challenge Edge.

-LIVE! from Rhode Island (it’s so small who cares…that’s what she said)

-Your new hero, Alberto Del Rio, comes out in all his heelish glory complete with mariachi band. The Miz, however, must make his presence known and cowers out of a potential match by saying Edge called Del Rio a combination of Tito Santana and JBL…ouch. I mean, Tito is a former IC champion but…JBL? That’s just mean.

Anyways, Edge ends up coming out and Del Rio selects him as the main event, earning a punch in the face from the champ. Del Rio manages to recover and El Kabongs Edge with a mariachi balsa wood guitar. I love Del Rio…but is Edge-Alberto really WM main event caliber?

-Mr. Mystery GM chimes in and announces that the winner of a Raw Rumble match will face the WWE champ at Elimination Chamber and the final six will do battle in the Chamber match. I have no idea why they continue to include Lawler in this stuff.

Tag Team Titles
Vladimir Kozlov & Santino Marella vs. Husky Harris & Michael McGillicutty
McGillicutty hammers away to start but misses a blind charge and Kozlov takes over briefly. Harris comes in for a standoff but gets taken down and Santino tries his luck…it goes poorly of course. Husky really needs some bigger trunks. Token heel offense sends us off to break…
We return with Santino still getting his ass beat but a desperation enables a hot tag to Vlady. Santino tags back in for whatever reason and hits the Cobra on Harris to get the pin.
Winners and STILL Champions: Vladimir Kozlov & Santino Marella

-I have no idea why they are putting jobbers like Santino and Kozlov over the “next big things”. Match was whatever *1/4.

-Post-match, Randy Orton runs in and threatens the PUNT OF CERTAIN DEATH on Husky Harris before Punk tries to talk some sense into him. “Stone Cold” Randy Orton, of course, does it anyways and flees through the crowd when Nexus attacks. Don’t understand this booking at all.

-Ted DiBiase demands Jerry Lawler hand over his spot in the Raw Rumble to him because…well, just because. Lawler says he’s never wrestled at a WrestleMania and this is his last chance, so Ted takes a cheap shot at him and hides behind Maryse. This seems to the last straw because Maryse slaps DiBiase and Lawler floors him with a punch. So, in the last 4 months, DiBiase has been jobbed out, embarrassed by a woman, and knocked out by a near-60 year old commentator….I wonder why no one cares about him?\

-Some vignette airs displaying the date “2 21 11″…hmmmmmm, wonder who it could be?

Daniel Bryan vs. Tyson Kidd
No entrance for either guy but the Bellas get to be on commentary…thrilling. They have a wrestling sequence but Kidd gets frustrated and hammers away for two. Bryan comes back with some nice wrestling and adds his own kicks for good measure. Dragon screw by Kidd leads to a Sharpshooter attempt but Bryan turns it into the LaBell Lock for the submission.
Winner: Daniel Bryan

-Total squash *. The Bellas attack afterwards to set up the epic Bryan/Gail vs. Bellas blowoff which will sell out arenas all over the world.

The Miz vs. Edge
There apparently “MUST be a winner” (which is carny for “someone is getting involved in this match”). Miz targets the guitar-injured shoulder of Edge but gets stomped down, forcing Riley to save him. Miz snaps Edge’s arm over the top rope and sends him shoulder-first into the ring steps to drive home our psychology for the match. Miz works the arm for a bit and Riley does performs his normal shenanigans but runs into a spin kick.

Miz stops that comeback with more arm wringing…you’d think heels would go after Edge’s teeth since those are the biggest targets on Edge’ body. Single-arm DDT gets two for Miz and he goes back to a token armbar. It’s technically fine but it’s just boring as hell. Edge breaks and both guys big boot each other for the double KO, leading to the babyface comeback. Edge rolls him up for two but takes a shot IN THE FACE for a Miz two-count as the crowd just can’t get into this one.

Miz heads up top for an unknown reason and gets caught coming down with a boot into a DDT and Edge preps a spear. Miz dodges the finisher but WAIT…there’s a spotlight, so guess who’s here? John Cena of course. The distraction is enough for Edge to recover and hit the spear to get the three count and the win.
Winner: Edge

-Do you like matches where one guy does about 8 different variations of the armbar? Then you’d love this match **.

-Steve Austin is going to host Tough Enough…hopefully, they won’t have the rookies dress like women this time. And wait…don’t they already have NXT?

Natalya & Eve vs. LayCool
Why the hell would Natalya tag with Eve after she stole the Women’s title from her last night? Anyways, Natalya controls Michelle and they have the women’s version of a wrestling exhibition until Layla tags in for some cowering. Butterfly suplex gets two for Nattie and Ever adds a dropkick and a standing moonsault for two. They head up top but Michelle gets a cheapshot kick to the face and Layla hits the Face Lift (Diamond Dust) out of the corner for the win.
Winners: LayCool

-Yawn, gag, and snore *1/4.

Mark Henry & The Great Khali vs. The Usos
The return everyone was waiting for…Ranjin Singh. The Mystery GM proclaims the Usos jobbers and changes the match to a dance-off? Do I really have to watch this garbage? I actually would have marked out like crazy if the Usos put on yellow sunglasses before dancing.  Nothing happens until the Usos decide to attack for no reason.
No Contest

-What in the blue hell was the point of that??? -***

-Another sad WWE Film “please please please go see this movie” trailer for HHH’s new movie “The Chaperone”. It looks really, really bad as you might expect.

Raw Rumble Match
The winner faces the WWE champion at Elimination Chamber and the other six are stuck in the Chamber match. John Morrison is #1 and Sheamus is #2. Morrison hooks some armdrags and targets the arm before he hammers away in the corner and John Cena is #3. Cena is, indeed, a house of fire on Sheamus, hitting his SOS Sequence and trying the Attitude Adjustment on Morrison, who turns it into an enzuigiri in a nice spot. Punchy-kicky wastes some time as CM Punk is #4.

Knee lift/bulldog combo puts down Cena and Punk has stomps for everyone. They do the “lay against the ropes and pretend to throw each other out” spot for a bit until Cena hits a belly-to-belly on Sheamus and #5 is R-Truth. Truth targets John Cena and hits a leg lariat and tumbles to the outside with Morrison. Both guys were supposed to skin the cat back in but only Morrison does it successfully and Truth ends up looking like a goof. DDT from Punk puts down Cena and Jerry Lawler is #6.

Lawler throws his great right hands that no one else seems to know how to do tries to eliminate Punk but gets beat up by Sheamus. More laying on the ropes leads to Randy Orton at #7 and CM Punk smartly rolls out and hides under the ring. Orton eventually finds him and clotheslines him out and for the elimination but R-Truth immediately dumps Orton.

The Bore Zone is finally broken by Cena busting out the SOS Sequence on Sheamus and lifting both Morrison and Truth up for an Attitude Adjustment at the same time. Truth tumbles to the outside and is eliminated but Morrison holds on and drags Cena to the apron with him. A good tease spot but nothing comes of it as Sheamus cleans house before trying to eliminate Morrison but John hooks his feet on the bottom ropes to avoid elimination in another cool spot.

Cena wakes up and hooks the STF on Sheamus so Morrison adds Starship Pain, which misses by a MILE. King dumps Morrison but he does a handstand to avoid it yet again. Sheamus finally says “enough of this crap” and uses the Brogue Kick to send Morrison to the showers. Cena teeters on the apron yet again and Sheamus hammers away before using Lawler as a weapon to eliminate Cena. All looks lost for our hero but Sheamus charges and Cena pulls the rope down from the outside, low-bridging Sheamus and causing him to tumble to the floor. Are we serious here?
Winner and Number One Contender: Jerry Lawler

-I know they want to build to Lawler vs. Cole at ‘Mania (at least that’s the rumor) but are we seriously wasting a WORLD TITLE match for what’s going to amount to a comedy match? Come on now…they have to change this **3/4.

Final Word
A total waste of a Raw episode here with bad wrestling, bad booking, and a COLOR COMMENTATOR winning the main event. I know last night was a PPV and they usually take it easy the day after but what the hell was this crap? If anyone seriously liked this show, I would definitely like to hear why.

Steelers…bring home number 7.