Shaquille O’Neal: 10 Things We’d Like to See Shaq Do on Shaq Vs.
Shaquille O'Neal is a man of many talents, and when he drained a 40-foot putt to defeat Charles Barkley on Tuesday's episode of Shaq Vs., it became clear that he is ready to do bigger and better things.
Next week's episode has a heavy entertainment flavor. Shaq will battle Jimmy Kimmel in a monologue competition and also take on Justin Bieber in some sort of singing and dancing competition.
Here's a look at 10 other challenges Shaq should take in upcoming seasons—assuming of course that it stays on the air.
No. 10: Shaq Vs. Chris Berman
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Whether you like it or not, Chris Berman is now officially a Hall of Fame broadcaster.
Boomer's clever catch phrases overshadow the fact that he often bumbles and stumbles his way through highlights, which would at least give Shaq a chance in a broadcasting competition.
The premise would be simple: Berman and Shaq would read a two minute package and get points for coming up with nicknames for players, but also lose points for any stuttering. Most importantly, their commentary would have to match the highlights to avoid significant deductions.
Before you say Berman would never agree to such a contest, remember who he works for. What better way for ESPN and ABC to do some solid cross-promotion? Berman's ego probably wouldn't allow him to lose.
Predicted Winner: Chris Berman
No. 9: Shaq Vs. Mel Gibson
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How can you ever forget Shaq's performances on the silver screen?
The Big Aristotle hasn't acted in a few years, so he would have to dust off the rust and take on a unique acting talent. That's where Mel Gibson comes in.
Gibson would probably be reluctant to agree to such a challenge, but he could certainly use an easy way to repair his image.
The competition would involve acting out the same scene and reading an identical script. A handful of film critics would review the performances and assign grades.
Predicted Winner: Mel Gibson, for safety purposes
No. 8: Shaq Vs. Kate Gosselin
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In his day, Shaq could really move for a man his size. Granted, it's been about six years since he was able to showcase much agility on the court, but is dancing really that hard?
Just to be safe, Shaq's challenger in this competition, modeled after ABC's Dancing With the Stars, would be a mother of eight. That's right, America's favorite mommy, Kate Gosselin.
According to several reports, Kate wasn't exactly a joy to work with on the show, which might make a battle with Shaq a bit tense.
Viewers of Dancing With the Stars know, Kate lacked a great deal of skill or elegance on the dance floor. Viewers of Shaq's declining skills know that he too hasn't shown grace on the basketball floor.
The death-match would be fun to watch, but probably produce some awkward moments as well. That's never a good thing for a television show.
Predicted Winner: Shaq, who would be much more friendly to the panel of judges consisting of Paula Abdul, George Lopez, and Penny Hardaway.
No. 7: Shaq Vs. Jim Cantore
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Cantore, the Weather Channel's badass meteorologist who travels the world in search of natural disasters, has made a name for himself by reporting from raging storms.
Shaq has a flare for the dramatic himself, which would make it an interesting competition. Now, we just need a hurricane.
A better idea might be to simulate a natural disaster on a Hollywood set and see which man can stand there and report obvious facts like "it's windy and raining really hard" as chaos swirls all around them.
Predicted Winner: Shaq is bigger, but experience matters. Cantore perseveres over Shaq, who gives up after being hit by a small tree branch.
No. 6: Shaq Vs. Tiger
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Yes, Shaq just completed a golf battle in the last episode, when he teamed with Anthony Kim to defeat Charles Barkley and Bubba Watson.
Much like Mel Gibson, Tiger could use some help in the image repair arena. Appearing with the lovable Shaq could be a small step in the right direction.
As bad as Tiger has played, the competition wouldn't be even. Shaq would be able to play in a best-ball format where he would get three shots, while Tiger would play straight up.
Predicted winner: Tiger Woods
No. 5: Shaq Vs. Dave Chappelle
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America misses Dave Chappelle, and something needs to happen to draw him out of hiding.
That something could be an invitation to do a stand-up battle with Shaq, who is taking on Jimmy Kimmel in a similar format on next week's episode.
We all know Dave Chappelle is much funnier than Jimmy Kimmel.
Predicted Winner: Dave Chappelle, assuming he's still got it and isn't all serious now.
No. 4: Shaq Vs. Justin Timberlake
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What is it with Justin Bieber, anyway?
Apparently, he is the biggest star on the pop circuit, but he isn't nearly as totally awesome as his predecessor, Justin Timberlake.
Shaq and Justin could battle in a dance-off, then serenade a group of 15-year-old girls with a moving song.
The competitor who received the loudest screams would be declared victorious.
Predicted Winner: Justin Timberlake in a landslide, thanks to Shaq's lack of singing talent and the frightening size of his seven-foot frame.
No. 3: Shaq Vs. Eminem
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Speaking of pop music, Eminem has apparently decided to make the transition to the pop scene, given his recent musical collaborations with R&B singers.
He would likely be willing to promote himself by appearing on Shaq Vs. in a freestyle battle.
Shaq has displayed his freestyle talents over the years, most notably in his diss-track against Kobe two years ago.
Eminem would have a clear advantage, although Shaq generally seems to have a way of coming out on top.
Predicted Winner: Eminem. He might be somewhat of a sell-out, but you can't deny his talent as a rapper, nor can you deny Shaq's lack of talent as a rapper.
No. 2: Shaq Vs. President Obama
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Can we please make this happen?
Obama has hooped it up with just about everybody, but what better challenge than playing Shaq in basketball behind the White House?
The competition would consist of several events, including a one-on-one battle, a horse competition and a free throw competition.
To make things interesting, Shaq would be allowed to simply stand in front of Obama as he released his slow-developing but accurate jump shots.
Predicted Winner: President Obama wins in an entertaining episode filled with trash-talk. Shaq's free throws will always be his Achilles heal.
No. 1: Shaq Vs. Kobe
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Although their feud has cooled a bit in recent years, Shaq and Kobe will never be best friends.
It would be great to see them settle their difference in a simple one-on-one battle.
Shaq would be spotted a five-point lead before the game, which would be played to 11, in an effort to make things fair.
What would initially be a playoff game would grow heated and end with producers breaking up a fight between the two. Reports would later surface revealing the fight had been staged.
Talk about the perfect reality show ending.
