LeBron James: Where He's Headed and When ESPN Will Officially Kill the NBA

If you really love basketball, then you are watching ESPN’s one-hour special dedicated to LeBron James’ free agency decision tonight.

I guess I just don’t love basketball—at least not this time of the year. I’m not watching. In fact, I’m going to attempt to go to bed tonight without knowing still. It’s a necessary protest, and you need to join. Need some reasons? I’ve got four.

1. The Biggest Free Agent Signing Already Happened

Dwyane Wade is returning to the Heat and is bringing Chris Bosh with him. Wade means more to the Heat than any other player in the league does to another team. Add Bosh and you have two legitimate superstars, which immediately skyrockets Miami from also-rans to a short list of title contenders for the next five years. Los Angeles, Miami, Orlando (kind of), Boston (for a bit longer) and Oklahoma City (in a bit). That’s an improvement of dramatic proportions.

If LeBron goes to the Bulls, Joakim Noah is likely on his way out, if he goes to New York, he might find Amar’e to be disappointing without Steve Nash, if he goes to Miami, it makes them favorites, but they’re already contenders, and if he stays in Cleveland, he’ll lose again and again. Wade and Bosh already trump the significance of this special’s star.

Besides, did anyone forget LBJ’s 2010 playoffs—you know, like a month ago? Who still thinks he is king? If he isn’t careful, that could end up being his “bitch of a war.”

2. The World Cup has Me Distracted

Lately, I’ve been so obsessed with it that I can’t even get any reading done during the games. I’ve started watching MLS, and any other soccer on television, to fill the times when I need my soccer fix but no World Cup games are happening.

I’m supposed to get Real Salt Lake games OnDemand, which would be great, but Comcast thinks it’s funnier if they tape some Little House on The Prairie-esque series instead and then label it RSL. This has to be a government conspiracy. They’re trying to turn American soccer fans back into old timey, bearded, axe bearing, flannel wearing men.

The world’s greatest sporting event pummels NBA free agency speculation by the Ball Brothers: Ric Bucher and Chris Broussard. While the Ball Bros. speculate on speculation, the World Cup commentators blend a recipe of refreshingly-British negativity with a heap of salty pointedness. I love it. Stuart Scott is shaking in his boots.

3. ESPN’s Music Sucks

It’s really a shame that the NBA’s main PR agency (ESPN) doesn’t recognize that every great sport needs an equally great theme song. NBC provided us with just that song in John Tesh’s Roundball Rock back when the NBA stood for the National Bulls Association.
Of course, the song is all but dead, only to be paraded around like a shackled Black Beauty once every four years when NBC uses it for Olympic basketball.

I don’t care the price, it’s time for ESPN to bite the bullet and buy the rights of this diddy. This song makes everything it touches better. CNN and Fox News even become riveting when set to it. Don’t believe me? Watch the video below.

Come to think of it, if ESPN was holding a special on the reintroduciton of Roundball Rock into the NBA, I’d watch. Well, that is, if it weren’t for my last reason.

4. Modest Mouse for Free at Pioneer Park

Stay at home and watch sob stories of LeBron or go to a free summer concert at the park? I’d never be able to read Ray Bradbury again without shame if I chose to the first.

Also, the concert might be a good place to hide out from the madness. Of course, it might also blow up in my face considering the gobs of ESPNerds sure to be at the concert waiting for a text from their loser friend that stayed home to watch. It’ll probably be some roided out loudmouth named Chaz—that loves free agency, pink polo's and the acoustic guitar—that’ll ruin it for me.

If he does, so be it. I won’t let ESPN and James’ assault of jack-assery quarantine me—otherwise the terrorists win.

I’m sure you all are terribly disappointed that I haven’t given my input on the LeBron matter. Fair enough, I suppose I owe it to you. 

I want LeBron James to sign with the Clippers. That way, he’ll never play, (but still get his money) and I’ll never have to hear about any more “is he the king?” arguments because the answer will be absolutely not.

Instead, ESPN will cover the most recent games of Go Fish and Jenga that he and Blake Griffin competed against each other on the sidelines during games. Neither of them will ever play again (in Blake’s case, never ever ever).

And ESPN will finally give due coverage to the most underrated sport of athletic skill and foxy cunning—Jenga. Everybody wins, especially me.