Recapping the Super Bowl Before it Happens

We all lead busy lives. We all have stuff to do. My list of tasks that need to be done this weekend is only slightly shorter than Santa’s naughty list, so I am always looking for a way to save time.

So what better way to save time than eliminating the four-hour time dedication it takes to watch the Super Bowl today? Allow me to recap the game for you, so you can skip watching it this year.

And away we go:

Pre-game:

A torrential downpour puts a damper on the festivities, but a drenched Carrie Underwood gets everybody warmed up with a rousing rendition of the National Anthem. Somewhere, Tony Romo is kicking himself.

1st quarter:

In typical Peyton Manning fashion, the Colts march down the field on a nine-play, 76-yard opening drive capped off by a Joseph Addai one-yard touchdown plunge. Manning is not touched by the Saints' defense on any play. Colts 7-0.

Drew Brees answers with a beautiful bomb down the right sideline to Robert Meachem on the third play from scrimmage for New Orleans. We’ve got ourselves a ballgame, 7-7.

Manning, undaunted, leads Indianapolis to an answering touchdown on a clock-eating drive. Dallas Clark scores from nine yards out on his fifth catch of the game to put the Colts back on top, 14-7.

Finally, the offenses start to sputter a bit. New Orleans adds a 42-yard Garrett Hartley field goal, but punts are traded back and forth. Archie Manning’s mug is shown by CBS a total of three times in the first quarter as it comes to an end. Indianapolis 14, New Orleans 10.

2nd quarter:

As the defenses take over in the second quarter, both quarterbacks start to get battered. Dwight Freeney pulls off his best Willis Reed impression as he obliterates Brees on third-and-long to force a punt. However, Indy gives the ball back after Darren Sharper picks off a heavily-pressured Peyton Manning, returning the interception to the Colts’ 15 yard line. Jeremy Shockey leaps into the end zone off a pinpoint-accurate pass from Brees over the middle to give the Saints their first lead of the game, 17-14.

Momentum favors New Orleans as their “grimey” defense gives Manning fits. Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie both have drive-killing drops and Manning goes SNL-United Way on the two young receivers on the sidelines. Meanwhile, Brees slices up the Colts’ pass defense and Pierre Thomas runs in a score from 12 yards out to give the Saints a 24-14 lead.

Manning is not done in the first half yet and schools New Orleans on a two-minute drive. He finds Collie in the corner of the end zone with 15 seconds left to bring the Colts within three. A wild first half comes to an end with New Orleans up 24-21.

Halftime

With the most memorable performance since Janet Jackson’s nipple graced us with its presence, The Who electrifies a soaked crowd. After "Pinball Wizard" and "Won’t Get Fooled Again", Pete Townshend destroys his guitar on stage after the most inspired version of Baba O’Riley ever. The Who 56, Super Bowl 3. Wow.

3rd quarter:

Both punters get a workout, with New Orleans putting up the only score of the third quarter, a 34-yard field goal from Hartley. Manning clearly looks frustrated (obviously the only facial expression he is able to make during a game) and the Saints are whipped up into a frenzy. However, New Orleans leaves the door open as they are unable to capitalize on an Addai fumble deep in Colts’ territory. Robert Mathis crunches Brees on third down and Brees gives the ball back. Those who bet the over stop ordering drinks for the bar and begin chomping on fingernails instead of hot wings. Saints 27, Colts 21.

4th quarter:

The Colts begin the fourth quarter with a punt, which Reggie Bush returns to the Colts’ 2-yard-line. After a couple failed runs, Brees finds Dave “The Baconator” Thomas in the endzone for the star quarterback’s second touchdown of the day. (I really hope this nickname catches on–if you use it, make sure you attribute me, not Wendy’s.) All hope seems lost for the Colts. Freeney has been rendered ineffective and Reggie Wayne’s knee has made him unable to make a play.

Indianapolis' big screen TVs are being destroyed at an exponential rate. The Saints can taste it now as they go up 34-21. Archie and Eli Manning are shown in a luxury box, pulling on Saints T-shirts.

Manning, with the look and desire of a champion, refuses to be denied and he finds Pierre Garcon on pump-and-go route that leaves Tracy Porter eating turf. Garcon jumps into the arms of some fans in the stands waving the Haitian national flag, and the Colts are back in the game with seven minutes to go. The entire state of New Orleans whispers a collective, “Uh, oh.” Roger Goodell finally allows a smile to cross his face. David Stern: “Are we really expected to believe this isn’t rigged?”

Sean Payton goes conservative with two runs from Mike Bell yielding nothing. An incomplete pass to Marques Colston on third down forces the Saints to kick the ball back to Indy and Manning takes over with five plus minutes to go in the 2010 season.

The Saints' defense rises to the challenge as they batter Manning on the drive. Yet the Colts’ quarterback cements his legacy by going four-for-four on third downs the rest of the game, hitting Collie, Clark, Garcon, and Donald Brown to keep the chains moving while eating up time. Finally, Manning throws his fourth touchdown of the game as he hits Reggie Wayne on a  six-yard fade to the pilon with 32 seconds left. Indy fans: “We knew it all along!” Saints fans: “We’ve always hated Archie.” Colts 35, Saints 34.

Drew Brees hits Lance Moore and Colston for consecutive first downs, getting New Orleans to their own 45 yard line with 16 seconds to go. However, before Hartley can even start getting warmed up, the Colts send a blitz for the ages on the next play and Freeney recovers a Brees fumble after another Mathis sack. Indy takes over and Manning takes a knee ending one of the wildest Super Bowls in league history.

FINAL SCORE: Indianapolis Colts 35, New Orleans Saints 34

Post game:

Manning wins the MVP and thanks his teammates, head coach Jim Caldwell, and Oreo cookies (Donald Trump harrumphs at the speech). Caldwell raises the trophy; Payton consoles a very upset Brees, while Bush texts Kim Kardashian to find out what club they will be going to when he leaves the stadium. Wayne and Freeney share a way-too-long embrace, and Archie and Eli rip off their Saints T-shirts to reveal #18 Colts jerseys underneath. The CBS announcing team doesn’t exhale until a half-hour after the game and fans everywhere clink glasses together after such an entertaining game.

On second thought, you’d better watch this game.