Chicago Bears Hire Mike Martz: Let the Suck Fest Continue in Chicago

Kevin MurphyCorrespondent IFebruary 1, 2010

The secret is out!  Hell, it's been out hasn't it?  The Chicago Bears aren't any good.  Not at football anyways.  They have become a punch line for the rest of the NFL.  What was once a great franchise is now a complete and total joke throughout the league.  With no end of sucking in sight, Lovie and the boys look poised for another god awful season. 

The Bears have been searching day and night for a defensive and offensive coordinator.  In fact, if you were to send them your resume right now they would probably take you into consideration.  You are as good, if not better then the clowns the Bears are going to end up hiring. 

Make no mistake about it.  The Bears have wet the bed so bad riding this coaching carousel that they have left themselves no out.  They have left themselves nothing but garbage.  They have left themselves well, the leftovers. 

That's right, the Bears get there choice of the leftovers.  The coaches nobody else wanted near there football team.  I guess it's true what they say.  You know, when one door closes another door opens. 

Well, in this case the entire league did more then just close the door on these coaches.  They slammed it shut, and proceeded to board it up!  Not the Bears though, nope!  That would have been to easy.  Instead the Bears have opened not just the door to these clowns, but all there windows as well. 

Four coaches have turned down the offensive coordinator position so far.  One actually chose to go to the Raiders instead of the Bears.  If that isn't a slap in the face I don't know what is.  I mean the Raiders, really?  The Bears are better than the freaking Raiders, aren't they?

The Bears needed to fire Lovie Smith.  They needed to eat the money he is owed, and the guy needed to be launched.  They would have had to swallow $11 million.  That is chump change to this franchise, and they refused to do it.  Apparently winning football games isn't worth $11 million.  

Coaches around the league are not stupid.  It is widely speculated that as soon as Lovie's contract is up, he will be out.  He will be out, and his coaching staff will be out as well.  I don't know about you, but I'm sold.  It sounds like a solid career move for any coach looking to make a name for himself.  If that name is idiot of course.

With all the sane coaches going elsewhere, the Bears can now officially start to interview the clowns.  The leftovers if you will.  Headlining the list is Mike Martz.  He will be your offensive cooridinator by default.  Rumor has it, it's only a matter of time before he is given the position. 

How this is a good fit is beyond me.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't Lovie constantly refer to his team as the team that gets off the bus running?  Isn't Martz known as a coach who loves to get creative and throw the ball all over the place?  Does anyone else see a problem here?  

Sure Martz had some success early on in his coaching career, but those days are long gone.  Since the greatest show on turf Martz has had exactly zero success in the NFL.  He has managed to lose his job as offensive coordinator in both Detroit and San Francisco

While in Detroit players became so enraged over his unbalanced offense, and pass-happy approach that it lead to Martz getting fired in the offseason.  While in San Francisco Martz was let go as offensive coordinator after the 49ers named Mike Singletary head coach.  Get this though, the reason given for letting Martz go was Singletary wanted more of a ball-control, run oriented offense than Martz was able to provide. 

A more ball-controlled, run oriented offense?  Where have I heard that before?  Ah yes, from the Chicago Bears of course.  Remember, the team that gets off the bus running!  It all makes perfect sense.  Lets go get the coach who was last fired for his refusal to run the football, and bring him to a team who does nothing but run the football.  This sounds like a match made in heaven if you ask me!

For those thinking Jay Cutler may benefit from the offensive master mind that is Mike Martz, think again.  When Martz's former boss in St. Louis, Charlie Armery had heard the Bears were interested in making Martz there offensive coordinator he had these kind words to share with the Chicago front office. 

"He's a terrible...coach, and he would ruin that kid like he ruined Kurt Warner and drove him out of St. Louis. He's the worst thing that could happen to any young quarterback," Armery said.  He later went on to say that it would be an "absolute mistake" for Bears coach Lovie Smith to hire him.  Well, I'm sold!  Let's go get this guy!

Like it or not Mike Martz is your offensive coordinator in Chicago.  He is your offensive cooridinator because like the Bears, Martz has no other options.  Nobody else wants him, and nobody else wants to come to Chicago.  It is a desperation move by all parties involved.  Smells like success if you ask me. 

It's the same exact story on the other side of the ball in Chicago.  Just take what I've said about the offensive cooridinator position, and apply it to the defensive coordinator position.  

There is nobody left to hire.  Nobody wants to come to Chicago, and the Bears are once again stuck with the leftovers that nobody else wanted near there football team.  The Bears are left to garbage pick, and seem content in doing so. 

They won't need to pick through a ton of garbage though.  Just there own.  That's right, it looks as if Rod Marinelli is going to be the defensive coordinator for the 2010 Bears.  A position he basically fell into because he was in the right place at the right time. 

With nobody else wanting to come to Chicago, why not hire the former Lions coach and current Bears defensive line coach to take the reigns on defense in Chicago?  Nevermind the fact that Marinelli was the only head coach in the history of the NFL to lead his team to a winless season. 

Let's just forget about those 0-16 Lions from a couple years ago!  This move along with the Martz move makes perfect sense!  Things seem to be on the up and up in Chicago.  On the up and up if you are a former NFL coach who has done nothing but suck in the NFL as of late. 

Maybe this is the Chicago Bears stimulus plan.  Maybe this is there way of helping out this fine country in a time when unemployment is at an all time high.  I mean nobody else was going to hire the clowns the Bears have hired, and have taken into consideration for there coordinator positions. 

Just look at it as the Chicago Bears taking one for the team.  They will continue to suck because of it, but that is beside the point.  Winning football games doesn't matter!  Just ask the Bears, they will back me up on this!  Let the suck fest continue in Chicago, and the beat goes on!