Nothing But a Bunch Of Dive Turkeys!

I spent ten days in Paris earlier this month, right at the start of Euro 2008.

Bulging cafés and tabacs could barely contain the throngs of Parisiennes, sipping cappuccino and Stella Artois, tearing at baguettes and cheering on les Blues.

Being in the thick of things, it's hard not to get caught up in "fütbol fever", although I don't generally keep an eye on the football world - or soccer as we unsophisticated types call it on this side of the pond.

So, baguette in hand, I stood outside of some nameless, corner café and took in the action: the running, the kicking, and the diving.

Oh, the diving.

Hollywood has nothing on the Oscar-worthy performances of various players on the pitch who took what appeared to be a nasty hit - at least from a distance.  Closer inspection, also known as instant replay, revealed no viciousness at all.  Not even a glancing blow. 

It meant little.  Their faces were portraits of agony, twisted and contorted, as they rolled around on the grass, wincing and writhing in pain, clutching their shin, thigh, or some other body part at the non-existent bruise or lesion that wasn't about to form. 

And as quickly as it had started, it was over.  They jumped up like a soldier at reveille, lunging for the ball as if nothing had happened.

Diving is considered a strategy in soccer.  A Google search led me to a site called WikiHow - an online how-to website - that offered the necessary steps and conditions required for a successful dive that, perhaps, could lead the ref to whip out the ol' yellow or red card on an opposing player. 

It cites the Italian, Argentinian, Portuguese, and Brazilian national teams as fine examples of teams with quality divers.

I find the strategy embarrassing.  It detracts from a game that has had some difficulty reaching the tipping point in North America. 

Still, North America doesn't have any right to brag about our leagues.  Some of our continent's athletic best have been known to take an unnecessary tumble, particularly in hockey, where a gentle tap with the stick has led to penalties that have resulted in lost opportunities, lost series, and unsportsmanlike wins.

For example, in 1995, the now defunct Quebec Nordiques were facing off against the New York Rangers in the race for the Stanley Cup. A tap from Joe Sakic on the back of Alex Kovalev sent the right winger to the ice as if he'd been shot. Sakic scooped up the puck and plunked it in to the Ranger net but the goal was disallowed. 

Instead of going up 3-0, the Nordiques ended up losing the game and the series. 

Other than the Olympics, diving has no place in professional sports.  It's unprofessional and childish and I expect more from athletes, whether it's on the pitch, the field, the court, or the ice. 

As I left the café in Paris, I stumbled off the narrow sidewalk and in to the gutter, recovering at the last second by reaching for a parked Fiat.  I was going to clutch at my ankle and scream in pain in the hopes of maybe getting a free cappuccino from the owner, but thought better of it. 

Besides, I'm not that good of an actor.