To show you how bad things have become with the Cubs, the AM/PM "Too Much Good Stuff" Player of the Game on Wednesday night was Sean Marshall.
Despite allowing five runs and three walks in just over three innings of work, this high honor was bestowed upon Marshall because, as Bob Brenly pointed out, "he gave Lou's beleaguered bullpen three much needed innings."
Aaron Heilman allowed no hits in 1.1 innings of work. So what does that make him? Player of the decade?
No, all this outing for Heilman shows is that even a blind squirrel will find an acorn now and then.
Actually, I'm in favor of releasing all Cubs players named Aaron.
And we haven't even gotten to the star of this article, The Shark himself, Jeff Samardzija.
Look,I don't mean to pick on the kid because, after all, it was his first ever career start.
But let's face it, he was awful. His fastball is straight and his secondary pitches aren't developed enough to avoid having to throw this straight fastball down the middle.
In short, he is not ready to pitch in the major leagues.
But all is not lost. I hear Jay Cutler could use another wideout with the Bears.
Meanwhile, Cubs hitters must have made Pedro Martinez think they had turned back the clock to 2002. In his first start of the season, Pedro walked only one while striking out five in five innings.
Well, at least we didn't have to endure Geo "Smoky" Soto and his magic plastic bat. He and his crack pipe had the night off.
As you can tell, I'm trying to take a lighter side to this otherwise tragedy of a performance. What else can you say about how bad the Cubs have been lately? I'm running out of words to describe this mess.
But as Ron Santo screamed to the crowd during his seventh innings stench, I mean, stretch, "Cubs fan don't give up."
And you better listen to the man, he's a Cubs legend. I mean, just ask him.
Oh come on, I love Ronnie, don't send me hate letters. He's a lot like the Cubs, when you stop and think about it. Not very good at his job, but you love him anyway.
So don't shed any tears over this slump, if that's what we can call it. Go ahead and laugh. Laugh, I tell you. Laugh, dammit!
Our team may be seriously bad right now, but things can change like the wind at Wrigley Field.
Hey, the Pirates are coming to town on Friday. And it's my birthday, come to think of it.