Inside The Mind With Dr Hayley: Cryme Tyme

Another day, another nutcase in the office. Shame it isn't a wrestler this time.

Stan has been going absolutely mental since I said I was going to get a temporary replacement for him. He's been running around, chucking paper on the floor, shouting about how he was never leaving.

Well, he is, if only for the time being. I told him this, and he flipped out. I literally had to push him out the door.

He still hasn't left. He's been peering through the window, watching the goings on.

It's starting to get creepy.

Fortunately, my worries were interrupted by the sound of the doorbell and the arrival of my new temp...

Marina Mtz: Hello? This is the right place isn't it? I followed the directions and everything!

Dr Hayley: Ah yes! You must be Marina, the new secretary. Come in, quickly. Try not to let Stan back in.

Marina Mtz: Why?

Dr Hayley: Because I'll never get him out again!

Safely inside, I began to give Marina a tour of the clinic. There wasn't much to see really, just a lot of paper on the floor. I don't think she was paying attention anyway. She just kept staring at the photos asking why Randy Orton wasn't featured in any of them. Great! Just what I needed! Another potential lunatic...erm, I mean, star secretary!

Marina Mtz: So what do I need to do?

Dr Hayley: Just sort out your workspace at the moment, I'm expecting a few calls, so I'll need you to answer the phone, and then write down who's called and why. Is that OK?

Marina Mtz: Is Orton going to be phoning at any point?

Dr Hayley: Not as far as I'm aware, just some colleagues.

Marina Mtz: Damn!

I decided to retreat back into my office for some peace and quiet, but that didn't go to plan. No sooner had I sat down, than my appointment for today walked in the door. Well, when I say walked, I mean swaggered in, like idiots.

Shad: Hey, What's up dog!

JTG: Ooooh, damn, this is messed up right here dog! Where's the gold, where's the leather, and where is the damn money?

Shad: Oh yeah! Money money, yeah yeah!

Dr Hayley: Can you two please shut up and take your seats?!

I really should have mentioned at this point that I've never been the biggest Cryme Tyme fan in the world. Irritating little bastards as a matter of fact...

Dr Hayley: Right then, so what seems to be the problem?

Shad: Well you see, we gotta problem with money. We don't seem to be able to get our hands on it

Dr Hayley: Erm...that's because you spend it on your stupid sunglasses and teeny sidekick.

JTG: Nah man! What he means to say is that we seem to be stuck in the same phase. We stuck in the money, when we really need a change of style.

Dr Hayley: You can say that again...

JTG: When we really need a change of—

Dr Hayley: NOT LITERALLY!

Shad: We always seem to be getting people down, dog. We need to bring them up!

Dr Hayley: Then give them drugs! They might actually think you're good!

Both: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! That's nasty, man!

Damn my brain for not thinking before I say something! I've got to be nicer to them. Mental note, mental note...

Dr Hayley: Sorry about that, I was thinking out loud. I know how to help you two out. What we have to do is change your appearances. As they say, "Change your appearance and your mind will follow."

JTG: Yeah! That's what we need, a new look man!

Shad: Yeah, but what you got in mind, dog?

Dr Hayley: Oh, don't worry. I know what I'm doing, just trust me.

Muhahahahahaha! This is gonna be sweet! This is revenge! I'm not sure what for, but it's revenge all the same!

Dr Hayley: Marina, can you bring me the keys for the therapy cupboard?

Marina came running in, with not only the keys, but a broom. When asked what the broom was for, she said it was to hit Stan with. Apparently, he keeps putting his hands through the letterbox, so she's got to arm herself. Rather her than me!

Marina Mtz: Here we go. What do want me to do with Stan? He won't leave.

Dr Hayley: Tell him Cena phoned, that will make him move pretty quick!

She ran off, muttering something about Orton being better than Cena, but I wasn't listening. I then beckoned for Cryme Tyme to follow me into a separate room where I keep all the clothing that is on site. I chucked them a bag from the cupboard and told them to call me once they were sorted. It took about 10 minutes before they let me back in.

JTG: Dog, I'm so not feeling this. There is no way I'm going out like this...

Dr Hayley: I know it takes a while to get used to, but this is a better look for you two.

Shad: Ballerinas are a better look?!

Dr Hayley: Of course! It fits your prissy personalities better than that stupid gangster look.

JTG: Well, I don't know about you man, but I'm feeling slightly fruity, yet I don't care!

Dr Hayley: See, Shad. You just need to relax a bit more. Right then, now that you've changed your appearance for the better, we need to work on the vocal expression. "Bringin da hood to you" isn't going to fit in with these new personas...

JTG: Look at me, I'm a sugar plum fairy!

I just noticed at this point that Marina had poked her head around the door. The look on her face said everything.

Marina Mtz: Erm...I'll come back later. A lot later!

Dr Hayley: Right then, what I need you to do now is twirl on your toes, repeating the phrase, "Ballet Fruitcakes, yeah yeah." Do you think you can do that?

Shad: Well, J's doing it already. He has been for the past half hour!

I noticed he was right. Except it was a little bit more extreme than that. He was leaping around the room shouting out, "WWE nothing! I'm going to the big leagues! Swan Lake here I come!"

Dr Hayley: Oooh guys, ran out of time on this session. I'm sorry to say we're gonna have to wrap it up now.

Shad: Do we have to wear the fruity get-up?

Dr Hayley: Of course! It will help you to readjust to your new lifestyle. Now off you go!

They walked out toward the reception, where Marina was still hitting Stan's hands with a broom. Well, when I say walking, what I really mean is that one of them was shuffling along grumbling, and the other was prancing around like a, well, like a fruity ballet dancer! They went up to the desk to sort out something before leaving.

Marina Mtz: Thank you so much for visiting the Pro Wrestlers' Therapy Clinic! I hope you enjoyed your session.

Shad: Well, I think he did, but I sure as hell didn't.

Marina Mtz: Truly sorry to here that, but I don't really care. Unless your name begins with "R" and ends in "Andy," I'm not that interested in any comments against Dr Hayley's therapy style.

Shad: Fine! We are out of here!

JTG: Bye! I hope to be back soon!

Dr Hayley: Haha, trust me! You probably will be!

They both left, banging into Stan standing outside. He only had to take one look at JTG before backing away very slowly. What can I say? Don't mess with guys in tutus!

Marina Mtz: What nice people!

Dr Hayley: Yeah, if you say so...

Marina Mtz: By the way, have you seen my laptop? It was right here a minute ago, but now it's gone!

Dr Hayley: Great. Just beautiful!

Marina Mtz: What's beautiful?

Dr Hayley: Nothing. You might want to go run after them right about now. I think they might know where your laptop is...

This has been a product of my imagination. If anyone knows the whereabouts of Marina's laptop, please contact me or my secretary on 0800-MENTAL.