30 Predictions for College Football in 2009

Kevin TrahanAnalyst IAugust 4, 2009

WASHINGTON - APRIL 23:  U.S. President Barack Obama (R) shakes hands with University of Florida mens football quaterback and Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow in the East Room of the White House April 23, 2009 in Washington, DC. Obama hosted the 2009 national champion Gators, who presented the president with a custom jersey and football.  (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

A few days ago, I wrote an article titled "Five Bold Predictions for the Big Ten in 2009." People seemed to like the article, but there was way too much mudslinging going around.

People told me I was completely wrong on most of them and they were probably right, but me being correct wasn't the point.

There really is no point to preseason predictions, as we really don't know enough to be accurate (unless the prediction is "Ohio State will beat Indiana", but those are just too boring to even be written down).

The point is to have some fun with them and hope one of your crazy upset picks is actually right. In the aftermath of that article, I decided to have some fun with those predictions. 

The 30 predictions you will read below are outrageous, crazy, and impossible. If they come true, we have some serious problems in college football.

So, point being, there really is no statistical point or merit to these predictions; rather, they are meant for your entertainment. I don't want any Gator fans telling me how rude and obnoxious I am.

Just sit back, relax, and have some fun with them. Because by the time the season starts, neither these predictions, nor any others, really matter.

1. Pete Carroll leaves USC to coach Florida International in an attempt to build their program.

2. Lane Kiffin stops irritating the college football world and starts to realize that those hundreds of NCAA violations might start to add up. Hah, just kidding.

3. Penn State gives JoePa a 20 year contract extension, announcing that he will be able to coach from the grave.

4. LSU renames their stadium "Nick Saban Stadium."

5. Tim Tebow announces that he is not God; half of Florida flees for Cuba.

6. Ohio State beats Florida for the National Championship and the SEC becomes the laughing stock of college football.

7. The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl beats out the Humanitarian Bowl in the "Most Pointless Bowl Game" contest.

8. Clemson finally lives up to expectations and becomes an elite team. Haha, that was good, wasn't it?

9. Boise State joins the Big 12 and goes 4-8, with their only conference win coming against Iowa State.

10. Bosie State calls for a seven team playoff plus them. They say that they are still treated unfairly, complaining that the BCS rigged the games they lost.

11. Michigan adds West Virginia to their schedule in 2012.

12. Notre Dame basketball star Luke Harangody transfers to Syracuse to play wide receiver.

13. Tim Tebow is caught taking steroids. But since he is such a great person, the NCAA overlooks the mishap by saying "everyone makes mistakes."

14. Sam Bradford gets injured on the first play against Idaho State and the Sooners go on to lose the game 72-0.

15. The NCAA sends New Mexico State down to Division III. They still end the season winless.

16. Michigan adopts the motto; "At least we're better than the Lions."

17. The Big 12 North winner beats the South winner in the Big 12 Championship Game.

18. USC wins the Pac-10 by default. Every other team in the conference says there is no use in playing them and forfeits in an attempt to get an extra bye week.

19. The NCAA gives Tim Tebow another year of eligibility because he's just that awesome.

20. The Sheraton Hawaii Bowl decides not to invite Hawaii to its game.

21. The EagleBank Bowl sells a whopping 126 tickets, more than doubling last year's total.

22. Notre Dame praises Charlie Weis as the best coach in its history and offers him a 10 year contract extension.

23. Syracuse fires new coach Doug Marrone and hires a coach to be named later.

24. This just in... Syracuse fires their coach to be named later.

25. The NCAA sends the entire Sun Belt conference to Division II.

26. JoePa breaks his leg again on the sideline and coaches the remainder of Penn State's games at home in front of his TV.

27. Rudy Ruettiger comes back to play for Notre Dame and leads them to a BCS Bowl.

28. The SEC formally apologizes to the Big Ten for its unnecessary trash talk and demeaning behavior.

29. NASCAR officially moves all of its races to Saturday. The University of Alabama can no longer sell out any of its games.

30. Texas loses to Oklahoma, but Longhorns fans still think they are more deserving of a shot at the National Championship.


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