Dave Lozo's Bag Skate: Expressing Thanks for Hockey During Thanksgiving Season

The worst part of the holidays isn't pretending to like your brother's wife or your sister's husband at family gatherings—it's those hokey, hacky holiday-themed sports columns by writers who are too lazy to do anything original.

You know the ones.

Christmas: "22 gifts teams want to find under their tree this season."

New Year's: "18 players looking for a fresh start in the new year."

Flag Day: "30 teams, 30 flags: That's it, just team logos on flags."

Nothing worse than that, right?

Anyway, here are 14 things I'm thankful for during this Thanksgiving holiday season.

(Whatever, I'm waiting for a call from someone that hasn't come yet so this is what you get.)

In the world of hockey, I am thankful for:

• The friends I've made while writing about hockey for a living. There isn't a person on the planet who hasn't said, "I hate my job but I love my co-workers." I have. But then I started writing about hockey in 2008 and now I have friends I look forward to seeing in almost every North American city. It's a pretty neat thing to enjoy your work and your co-workers.

• Being able to write about hockey in exchange for enough money to keep my electricity on. Sometimes I'll do something like tweet 15 consecutive butt jokes after Rick Nash scores off his butt and think, "This is really good for my job." I also got to make a joke about testicles on national television (thanks, Fox Sports!) when all that unsavoriness was happening in last year's playoffs. It's quite the thing.

• Being able to work from home. You know those things you wrap around your lower body when you go outside? They have two long tubes made of fabric and a button thing at the top? Pants. That's it. Pants. When you work from home, pants are entirely optional. Yeah, being home alone most of the day working can cause loneliness, but my friends the coffee cup, coat rack and microwave keep me company and make me laugh.

• My five-plus years at NHL.com. Without those, the pants-free, friends-making, hockey-writing lifestyle I enjoy now would not be possible. If my old boss Bob Condor didn't give some dumb guy a chance to work some conference calls and playoff games when he first arrived on the scene, that dumb guy wouldn't be typing this now. So really, if you have any complaints about me, you should send them to him.

• Jaromir Jagr. I was able to spend a good chunk of last season around him and he exceeds expectations. He's a treat in interviews and on the ice and he's old enough to have kids in college. 

• NHL public relations people. Why do you let me talk to your players? Why do you allow me access to players and arenas? I'm insane. I tweet puns for hours after butt goals. 

Jared Silber/Getty Images

• The mute button when Pierre McGuire is on TV. When Dave Lozo of Hoboken, N.J., who went to high school in Harrison, N.J., and played his hockey at Rutgers University and later in places like Edison, N.J., and South Plainfield, N.J., can turn down the volume on a game and listen to music or a radio broadcast, he's having way more fun out there.

• Free food in the press box. You'll never understand how great it is. Popcorn, chips, M&Ms, hot pretzel nuggets, warm cheese sauce, sometimes a carving station, chicken fingers, french fries, any cold non-alcoholic drink you can name, any hot non-alcoholic drink you can name, jelly beans, pastries. The list is endless. 

• My gym membership. It's huge in April-May-June.

• Daryl Reaugh. The Dallas Stars color analyst is a vocabularic delight of mastadonic proportions. Tuesday night, he referred to the Edmonton Oilers' defensive coverage as "semi-shambolic." It's not as entertaining as a man screaming out junior teams and hometowns in the seconds after a goal, but to each his own, I guess.

• This Vladimir Tarasenko goal. I've watched it at least two dozen times. It still hasn't gotten old.

• The idea of hockey in Las Vegas. Will it happen? Will it not happen? Only time will tell. But just the thought of covering a game there makes me giddy like a 10-year-old unwrapping a Transformer on Christmas morning.

• That I can put "Only time will tell" in stuff I write as an inside joke five people get. Very thankful.

• That I decided to stop this list after 14 items. Happy Thanksgiving. Bye.

Quote of the Week: Jon Cooper vs. Darryl Sutter

Lightning coach Jon Cooper and Kings coach Darryl Sutter are the two most quotable coaches in the NHL. Each week, we will let you decide who had the best quote.

The beauty of Darryl Sutter is his ability to suck the air out of a question. It doesn't matter how humorous or offbeat or unique the situation, he'll find a way to answer the question so matter-of-factly that it makes you wonder if he can feel emotion.

Or feel anything, for that matter.

During the Kings' 5-4 loss in Dallas, a wide-open game with tons of scoring chances, a small earthquake hit the area. After the game, Sutter had this to say, according to LA Kings Insider:

"

On whether he felt the earthquake:
There were lots in the first period. [Reporter: There was an actual earthquake in the third period.] Really? Been through lots of ‘em.

"

Nothing fazes the man.

Jon Cooper has that same matter-of-fact style, but he also doesn't speak like most hockey coaches.

At least, not like most North American hockey coaches. Maybe he's secretly British.

When Ken Campbell of The Hockey News asked when we could expect injured defenseman Victor Hedman back, Cooper said: "He’s a fortnight away. That’s our new hockey term.”

A fortnight. Not two weeks. A fortnight. Perhaps there's more to that quote where Cooper says, "Blimey, Hedman bollocks'd up our season right good, ol' chap, but we'll be tip top once the guv'nuh sweeps the chimney, good sir!"

I don't know any British people. I assume that's how they talk.

Scott Rovak/Getty Images

KHL Thing of the Week

There is some quality hockey that is played overseas that we rarely hear about in North America. This section will highlight that or something else from our friends playing hockey in the KHL.

I'm going to be a homer and plug Jonathan Willis' piece on KHL players finding (and not finding) success in the NHL. It looks at Jori Lehtera of the St. Louis Blues, who has been fantastic, and Petri Kontiola, who couldn't cut it with the Maple Leafs and is returning to Russia.

It examines the difference in playing styles and the culture shock players can experience when coming to North America. Read it. It's the KHL Thing of the Week (sponsor pending).

One-Quarter Awards

With just about every team playing at least 20 games, we've reached the three-quarter (yes, look it up) pole of the season. So here are some picks for the major NHL trophies and brief explainers.

Gerry Thomas/Getty Images

Hart Trophy

Mark Giordano, D, Calgary Flames: He leads all defensemen in scoring with 24 points in 23 games and is eighth overall in scoring for a Flames team that would be Connor McDavid-ing without him. The Flames are sitting in a playoff spot despite being a beautiful disaster possession-wise largely because of Giordano.

Vezina Trophy

Jonathan Quick, G, Los Angeles Kings: Quick narrowly edges the Predators' Pekka Rinne, who has slightly worse numbers while receiving more support and facing fewer shots. Quick is 10-4-4 with a 2.22/.932 on a team allowing 32 shots per game and scoring 2.68 goals per game.

Norris Trophy

Mark Giordano, D, Calgary Flames: See Hart Trophy write-up. Giordano has been very good on a very bad team.

Calder Trophy

Filip Forsberg, C, Nashville Predators: He's the runaway leader in rookie scoring with 22 points in 21 games and one of the big reason why the Predators are off to a hot start.

Jack Adams Award

Jack Capuano, New York Islanders: This category is a tossup between Capuano, Peter Laviolette of the Predators and Willie Desjardins of the Canucks. The new-look Islanders have been the most impressive to me, so Capuano gets this fake award that doesn't even come with a real trophy or plaque.

Who Is Connor McDavid-ing This Week?

The tank battle for Connor McDavid will be quite the scene this season as teams stumble over each other to finish last in the standings, thus guaranteeing either McDavid or future American hero Jack Eichel.

Here's how it's looking entering Wednesday:

Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

1. Edmonton Oilers (6-14-2, 14 pts)

For the first time all season, we have a new front-runner in the McDavid sweepstakes, and it's the Kings of Tanking themselves. They have lost seven in a row and 11 of 13. That's downright impressive dedication to a tanking many thought wouldn't happen this season.

Never count in the Oilers. They can always fold like a fitted sheet at a moment's notice and no one in the NHL is better than they are at it. With back-to-back road games in Nashville and St. Louis next, the Oilers may run away with the bottom spot in the league.

2. Buffalo Sabres (6-13-2, 14 pts)

It's all beginning to unravel for the Sabres. After a glorious 3-13-2 start, the Sabres have won three straight games, causing many in Buffalo to panic. They looked like a runaway lock for 30th place before this hot streak came along and ruined things.

This is a veteran-laden team, so perhaps pride is causing this rough stretch. Marsellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction had some strong words about how pride can ruin a perfectly nice tank job. The Sabres would be wise to listen to that pep talk before their next game.

3. Columbus Blue Jackets (6-13-2, 14 pts)

What a race to the bottom! We are witnessing history here, people. Three franchises at the nadir of the NHL in a dogfight to see who can roll over the hardest, the fastest. The Jackets are taking advantage of being decimated by injury, an unfair disadvantage against the Sabres and Jackets.

But at the end of the season, they don't ask how; they ask how few. 

Goal of the Week

We're going back to a late game on Nov. 19 for a goal by Kings defenseman Matt Greene that had it all: Great pass, great finish and a great look by Greene that says, "Did I really just score that goal?"

Afterward, Greene said of his expression: “What am I doing down here? That’s the first thing [I thought of]. It’s just a weird deal, weird deal. I shouldn’t have been there in the first place, then you get a backdoor tap in. It’s kind of a funny way the game works.”

Questions and Answers

Got a question? Tweet me @davelozo or email me at [e-mail], but please don't call before 9 a.m. I will answer any of your questions about hockey or whatever if it's a good question.

This is an impossible question to answer because turduckens aren't real. It's like asking if I'd rather go on a date with Princess Leia or Arwen. I can't answer the question because they are all fictions of someone's imagination.

(Leia, every time, of course.)

Turkeys, ducks and chickens can't be combined to form one Voltron bird. Frank Costanza knew this two decades ago. Don't let John Madden's bird propaganda ruin your holiday.

(And I cackle like a witch whenever I cook. It's relaxing.) 

I hope not. I find it odd that you're sick of other teams getting multiple outdoor games but you want the Bruins to get a second outdoor game. You don't happen to be from Boston, do you?

In all likelihood, Minnesota is getting one next year. If the NHL sticks with two games next year, I'm hoping the four teams involved are the Wild, Stars, Canadiens and whoever drafts Connor McDavid. If that fourth team is the Sabres, yeah, that's going to be a bad team getting an outdoor game, but hockey ratings in Buffalo are always exceptional, hence the reason why they're on NBCSN so often.

I could live with Stars-Wild in Minneapolis/St. Paul and Canadiens-Bruins at Foxboro or Olympic Stadium, but I think it would be great for fans and smart for the NHL to get McDavid on a huge national stage in his rookie season. He's going to be the next face of the NHL.

In the bird, no question. Peak stuffing is the part that slightly sticks out of the bird and develops that crunchy outer layer. You can't mimic that with any other cooking method. 

I read the first part of your tweet in Jerry Seinfeld's voice. "What's the deal with the Panthers? I mean, I don't get it!"

The deal with the Panthers is they are not that bad. At 7-6-6, they are on pace for 86 points. That's not great but they have shown signs that they're not far off from being a fringe wild-card contender.

The Panthers have been better defensively, largely due to Roberto Luongo (2.40/.926) having a great first two months. They are 12th in goals allowed per game but only two teams (Winnipeg, Buffalo) are averaging fewer goals than the Panthers this season.

Nick Bjugstad has seven goals but no other player has more than four. Tomas Fleischmann has one goal in 17 games, Aleksander Barkov and Jonathan Huberdeau have two goals in 16 games and free-agent acquisition Jussi Jokinen has two goals in 19 games, finding it much more difficult to score in a world that lacks of Evgeni Malkin.

As a team, the Panthers' PDO is exactly 100.0, according to stats.hockeyanalysis.com, so this 86-point team is probably the reality or close to it. The reason I think there's hope: The Panthers are 29th in five-on-five shooting percentage (6.38) and fourth in save percentage (.936). The PDO says those numbers will pull a Benjamin Button and meet in the middle, but my personal opinion is there's a chance the shooting percentage improvements could outweigh any decline in save percentage.

A reborn Luongo having a great season along with some scoring improvements isn't out of the question.

Harvey Fialkov of the Sun Sentinel reporting the Panthers would like to trade veterans to make room for younger players makes a lot of sense. To me, it's not an indication of the Panthers throwing in the towel in November; it's a team realizing its better players need more ice time and dealing slumping older players can only help the Panthers turn things around.

As for the second half of your question, I don't think it's far from being a lost cause. 

It won't work. It's a gimmick. A fourth skater is needed for a cycle. Three skaters means almost everything will need to be created off the rush and instead of a breakaway contest to decide games, we will have a two-on-one contest. Defensemen will be less likely to take chances when any mistake will lead to a two-on-one.

When things aren't created off a rush, hockey becomes this three-on-three half-court basketball game. It's so, so bad and perhaps more gimmicky than a shootout.

As always, my plan to minimize shootouts is to abolish the shootout.

Cory Schneider will be fine. If the Devils reach the playoffs, there's no way he will be able to play two straight months at a high level after playing 70 regular-season games, but he'll be just fine.

Even with all the bad goals he's allowed this season, he still has a .916 save percentage. My guess is he'll finish the season at no worse than .920.

Whiskey and victory.

B-

"

@DaveLozo Who do you think Isles sit when Grabner is 100% healthy, or do they sit Grabner? #Isles

— JT (@JTigga444) November 25, 2014"

The Islanders can't possibly sit Michael Grabner, as they have been sorely lacking in missed breakaways in his absence.

It's probably either Anders Lee or Matt Martin. They each play around 11 or 12 minutes per game with neither player doing all that much on special teams. It will probably all come down to how well those two are playing when Grabner is back in early December.

I don't know. I've never seen him play. I'm sure he's delightful.

You know who's really good? Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Jordan Matthews. Four touchdowns and 90 yards per week for four weeks. I expect big things from him on Thanksgiving.

The Maple Leafs will win their next Stanley Cup in 2021.

The Rangers will win their next Stanley Cup in 2048.

"

@DaveLozo if there were ever a gay professional hockey player, would his opponents chirp him?

— Joseph Robin (@thewall85) November 25, 2014"

I'd like to say no, but this theoretical gay hockey player would be playing against people, and people are the worst.

I don't imagine it would be persistent. I don't think this player would be lining up for a faceoff with 11 minutes to go in the second period of a 2-1 game in December and the player next to him would whisper homophobic things to him. That's not really how it works, I don't think.

If it did happen, it would be heat of the moment stuff, like when the Flyers' Wayne Simmonds allegedly (and very likely) called the Rangers' Sean Avery the F-word. That's when awful things are said most of the time, not that it excuses racial or homophobic slurs.

The issue would be educating players on the meaning of words, words those players don't think about all that much. It's really hard to remove a word from your vernacular when you've been saying it without considering its meaning your entire life. And all the education in the world may not help when the adrenalin is flowing and you want to say a word you think will hurt the other guy.

So to answer your question, I think the answer is no, as chirping would involve persistently mentioning it in a calm setting, which would require premeditation, which I don't think 99 percent of players would do.

But I wouldn't rule it out when tempers boil over and emotions get the best of people. That's almost always when things get said that you later regret.

A Stanley Cup parade? No. But the Thanksgiving Day parade? Actually, no to that too. If there's any fanbase that doesn't have any recent experience in parades, it's Islanders fans. 

The Islanders are 13-6 in late November and people are planning parades and figuring out big-name trade acquisitions. This must be what people talk about when lottery winners can't handle the sudden fame and fortune and blow it all.

My answer to this used to be: "Anywhere."

But after a bad late-night pizza experience this summer, I will say: "Anywhere…except for this one pizza place near the corner of 28th and Madison." I won't call it out by name, because I can't remember it, but if you're in the mood for pizza, go anywhere except a three-block radius around that intersection.

If you can still feel your face by the start of the second NFL game, you're not doing Thanksgiving the way the Pilgrims intended.

All statistics via NHL.com.

Dave Lozo covers the NHL for Bleacher Report. You can follow him on Twitter: @DaveLozo.