How the NFC South Will Be Won

While it's true that the 2014 NFC South is a both a mockery and a sham—a shamockery, if you will—it's also true that the division must produce a winner and that said winner will host at least one home playoff game.

One of the following juggernauts (and by juggernauts, we mean epic disappointments) will advance to the NFC postseason: the 4-6 Atlanta Falcons, 4-6 New Orleans Saints, 3-7-1 Carolina Panthers or 2-8 Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

At this point, it's best to just acknowledge that truth and not rail against it. Regardless of the consternation and the huffing and puffing, one of those teams will be in the NFC playoffs. No, there's no way the NFL will change the rule in between now and January—or ever.

David Goldman/Associated Press

So with that indisputable fact in mind, let's determine just how the catastrophe known as the NFC South will be won. 

And in order to do that, let's recap the unfortunate series of events and horrendous on-field play that led the division to sink to an unheard-of low.

The First 11 Weeks

Coming into the season, the NFC South was generally thought to be a competitive division. It appeared as if the Saints, Falcons and Buccaneers took major strides in the offseason, and despite the Panthers losing a number of pieces, they were still expected to be in the mix.

But little did we know that all four teams would stink to such a noisome degree that it'd make an especially agitated skunk blush.

The Saints entered the year as a legitimate Super Bowl contender. Of course, they promptly lost their first game of the season (at Atlanta), and have skidded all the way to a 4-6 record. The Superdome, once considered an impenetrable fortress, hasn't proven to be a safe haven, with the team dropping their last two games at home. It hasn't been a vintage year for quarterback Drew Brees, and coordinator Rob Ryan's defense has failed in big moments. 

The team currently in first place, the Falcons, have navigated perhaps the most fascinating path of the four teams. After a disastrous 4-12 mark in 2013, Atlanta reloaded this offseason, and it felt good about its chances heading into the campaign. So naturally, it started 2-6, and it appeared coach Mike Smith was on the hot seat. Silly us—we should have realized the salve to cure their ails would be two straight games against divisional opponents! Now, the Falcons are 4-6 and could become the first team to win a division and fire their coach in the same week!

How about those zany Panthers? Remember the adorable nickname bestowed on coach Ron Rivera last year, Riverboat Ron? Well, the boat upped and sank to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, along with Carolina's season. The Panthers don't have a wide receiving corps—outside of rookie Kelvin Benjamin, it's more of a witness-protection program. General manager Dave Gettleman did a horrendous job this offseason, and the loss of defensive end Greg Hardy to the "commissioner's exempt list" (meant to be said in the same tone and with the same gesticulations as Dr. Evil saying "laser") means the pass rush is toothless. Hello, 3-7-1!

And bringing up the rear are the 2-8 Buccaneers, who were naturally the most active team in free agency. Who would have thunk that signing 35-year-old journeyman quarterback Josh McCown and naming him the starter would have been a mistake? And that coach Lovie Smith, known for his defensive acumen, would preside over a unit that has allowed a staggering 279 points through 10 games?

OK. We're here. 4-6, 4-6, 3-7-1 and 2-8. One of these sad-sack squads has to win it. Which one will it be?

The Schedules

Let's start at the top with first-place Atlanta (my word, typing that felt wrong). The Falcons host Cleveland on Sunday, and the Browns are welcoming back star receiver Josh Gordon, who should lay waste to Atlanta's defense the way Galactus does planets. The rest looks like this: Arizona, at Green Bay, Pittsburgh, at New Orleans and Carolina. There's just no way the Falcons beat Arizona or Green Bay, and it will probably lose to Pittsburgh, meaning the Falcons' only hope is to finish 6-10 and hope that's good enough. It won't be.

Moving on to Carolina. The Panthers limped into their bye this week, licking their wounds with the fervor of an embarrassed kitty cat. They'll come out of the open date with a road game at Minnesota, then it's at New Orleans, Tampa Bay, Cleveland and at Atlanta. At best, the Panthers will finish 6-9-1. That won't be good enough to win the NFC South.

The last-place Buccaneers might be 2-8, but in the NFC South, that's good enough to have you only two games out of the division lead. They head to Chicago on Sunday for the combined Lovie Smith and Josh McCown revenge game, and then it's Cincinnati, at Detroit, at Carolina, Green Bay and New Orleans. We believe the appropriate internet slang for that slate of games is "LOL." There's a better chance of Kate Upton dumping Justin Verlander for you than the Bucs winning the NFC South.

And then there's the erstwhile Super Bowl contenders known as the Saints. Even given their numerous foibles and home woes, they still must be considered the favorites. Up next is a Monday-night affair against Baltimore at the Superdome. A win would put them in fantastic position to take the division crown. After the Ravens, the Saints schedule is at Pittsburgh, Carolina, at Chicago, Atlanta and at Tampa Bay. Sean Payton's team should be able to win at least three of those games. That would put them at 7-9, which will probably be good enough to win the NFC South.

The Prediction

The Buccaneers are dreadful. Comparing their defense to moldy Swiss cheese would be an embarrassment to moldy Swiss cheese. It'd be stunning if they managed to win two more games. To paraphrase a quote from Major League: "They're dead. Cross them off the list."

The Panthers have a better chance of excavating Rivera's riverboat than they do of winning the division. There's also a better chance that quarterback Cam Newton's Twitter account will be hacked again than there is of the Panthers making the postseason. They're dead. Cross them off the list.

Michael Perez/Associated Press

The Falcons are a feel-good story, but when the only games you win are inside your own division, you can go no better than 6-10. And the Falcons aren't going into New Orleans and beating the Saints. They're dead. Cross them off the list.

That leaves the Saints—the only NFC South squad capable of actually winning a home playoff game. They still have a Super Bowl-winning coach and quarterback in Payton and Brees, and there is talent throughout the roster. By process of elimination, the Saints will end up winning the NFC South.

But they will promptly get blown out in the Wild Card Round of the NFC playoffs.

The NFC South will send a team to the postseason. But as for that team's chances when they get there? They're dead. Cross them off the list.

Nick Kostos is a featured NFL columnist for Bleacher Report and a host on SiriusXM's Bleacher Report Radio.