Call NATO, scramble the Blue Angels, and get the Justice League on the horn.
Actually, don’t call NATO. It's next to worthless in a rush, and we need decisive, scorched-earth action if we’re going to bring down the monster the University of Maryland just unleashed on the world.
The Terrapins posted their new team intro video to Facebook on Friday, pumping up fans with football highlights, eye-pummeling uniforms and an AC/DC soundtrack.
It’s your run-of-the-mill college football hype video—except for the overly vascular reptile smashing stones and leering deeply into your soul.
That’s Testudo—the Terrapins’ trusty mascot—who appears to have dedicated himself to a heavy schedule of weightlifting and turtle-enhancing drugs since last fall.
Testudo is no longer messing around. He might not even be a mascot anymore, as he looks primed to climb out of the briny deep and destroy a seaside village.
Just so we're clear, this is what Testudo looked like in 2013:
Now, the turtle has teeth. We are all dead.
You can’t protect your house against a bipedal turtle with fangs and moisture-wicking technology. It’s just not possible.
Beware, Big Ten. The Terrapins are now Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with a decidedly malevolent bend.
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