The Hater's Guide to Survivor Series, with Fresh-Baked Predictions

Call up your neighbors to chip in, take out a second mortgage or get a part-time job.

WWE Survivor Series is upon us!

We all love wrestling, but if you’re going to pay $50 for a show, you should get a lot of great wrestling with fresh matchups.

Call me crazy, but a lot of thought should be given to putting together a pay-per-view, so fans are left happy with their pricey purchase.

With six hours of free WWE TV to watch every week, it’s hard to entice viewers to shell out money for more. So has WWE succeeded in getting fans excited?

Well, for starters, there were only two matches announced two weeks out from the show. For Survivor Series, WWE wants us to pay the price of two oil changes, a really good steak dinner, or a set of Star Trek pajamas (a set!), when the company only gave two matches ample time for hype?

Along with analysis of the matches, I'll be doing my best to predict the winners. 

I went 5-2 last month. I predicted Big E. Langston would defeat Curtis Axel, but Dean Ambrose got the match instead. I'm still giving myself the win, because Stone Cold said so! Well, he probably would...if I asked him nicely.

This brings my lifetime total to 69-19-2 (for whatever that's worth).

So if you're on the fence on whether or not to order Survivor Series, read on to find out if that's a good investment. 

Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz

photo via wrestlezone.com

What’s to Like: It’s free.

What’s to Hate: The Miz just had an incredibly lackluster heel turn, much like his awful babyface turn that preceded it. It seems that neither Miz or Kofi can get off the pre-show, so WWE might as well stick them together.

There will also be commercials for Survivor Series during the middle of this match, which still makes no sense. 

Prediction: Miz (75 percent confidence)

The babyfaces almost always win on the free show, but Kofi is sadly nothing more than a high-class jobber these days. It would also damage any momentum that Miz has gained this past week to have him lose so quickly.

Big E Langston vs. Curtis Axel

photo via wwe.com

This is what America looks like while watching a Curtis Axel match.

What’s to Like: Langston got the best crowd reaction in his WWE career on Raw; let’s see if the momentum can continue.

What’s to Hate: This match was announced on the WWE website four days before the show. Curtis Axel is lost in no-man’s land right now after his breakup with Paul Heyman. And without Heyman doing the talking for him, he’s even less interesting.

We were also given this match for free on Raw and watched Langston dominate Axel and Damien Sandow on SmackDown. There's really been no additional storyline beef between these two, so paying for the rematch just isn't that much fun.

Prediction: Langston (99 percent confidence)

WWE is getting behind Langston right now, and Axel is looking more likely to be future endeavored than ever getting his hands on a title again. 

Goldust, Cody Rhodes, The Usos and Mysterio vs. Real Americans and The Shield

photo via wwe.com

What’s to Like: The Shield, Cody Rhodes and Goldust almost always deliver in the ring. This should be a fast, fun match.

What’s to Hate: We got a more interesting match on Raw that involved most of these guys plus the additions of Daniel Bryan, CM Punk and The Wyatts.

Subtracting those wrestlers and adding in The Real Americans isn’t a fair deal.

Not only that, but we watched Goldust and Cody defeat The Real Americans fairly on SmackDown, and later that night we saw The Usos and Mysterio defeat The Shield.

So what is the purpose of this match? 

And why the heck did WWE give away Mysterio's return match on a free show, when potential customers could have been enticed into buying Survivor Series just to see him again?

Prediction: Mysterio and friends (95 percent confidence)

The Shield just isn’t protected like it used to be, and Mysterio isn’t going to lose this early into his return.

Giant Divas Match

photo via wwe.com

Will Ava Marie bust out a Shooting Star Press?

What’s to Like: Nothing.

What’s to Hate: Everything.

This match was set up with a degrading musical-chairs contest six days before the show. You know, just like how Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant was set up for WrestleMania 3.

That segment was awful, and this match will be too. JoJo and Ava Marie can’t wrestle, and Cameron, Rosa Mendes and Aksana arguably can’t either.

Also, when did Kaitlyn turn heel?

Shouldn’t the former Divas champion at least have deserved five seconds of TV time to explain why she’s now bad? Seriously, just five seconds would be all we need. How about she says "I'm mean now, AJ and I made up over a game of Twister." 

That's at least something. Instead, we get nothing.

Prediction: The babyface team wins (60 percent confidence)

Either way, it won’t matter. Seriously, what does the winning team get?

John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio

photo via wwe.com

A likely preview

What’s to Like: John Cena and Alberto Del Rio usually have decent matches. That’s about it.

Things to Hate: First off, this is a straight-up rematch from last month, a bout which Cena easily won. The last encounter at least had the benefit of Cena’s injury possibly playing into the finish. We’ve now seen his mangled arm—which JBL and Jerry Lawler continuously have reminded us isn't 100 percent—has no effect on him.

If Damien Sandow repeatedly blasted Cena's surgically repaired arm with a folding chair, then what shot does Del Rio have? Seriously, Del Rio could attack him with a chainsaw to both his arms and legs, and Cena would still somehow give him the Attitude Adjustment.

Besides Hell in a Cell, Cena has fought Del Rio at a couple of other pay-per-views: Vengeance 2011 and in a three-way match at Hell in a Cell that year as well.

In all, this will be their ninth one-one-one televised match, and their 17th overall encounter if you include tag matches, according to profightdb.com.

Prediction: John Cena (99 percent confidence)

Unless Cena does have some secret injury that nobody knows about, or if he somehow spontaneously combusts in real life, then he’s winning this thing.

CM Punk and Daniel Bryan vs. The Wyatt Family

photo via wwe.com

What's to Like: This should be a pretty entertaining match.

CM Punk and Daniel Bryan are a unique short-term team, and Luke Harper has been a lot of fun to watch in the ring. This could end up being the match of the night. 

What's to Hate: A couple weeks ago, WWE seemed to be teasing that The Shield and The Wyatt Family would be teaming up for a traditional Survivor Series match. Instead, we got them in a regular tag match last week.

The dynamic of The Shield and The Wyatts would have been more fun to watch than this. This also represents a big fall for Daniel Bryan. He's now officially out of the title picture while Big Show unjustly took his spot for the WWE title.

Prediction: Punk and Bryan (60 percent confidence)

This is one of the more interesting matches on the show from a guessing standpoint. I could see either team taking the win. But it's still early in the feud, so it's likely to continue. 

Randy Orton vs. Big Show

photo via wwe.com

In happier times, when they'd play b-ball together.

What’s to Like: Nothing.

Everything about this is horrible. Big Show is a selfish, unworthy challenger, and Randy Orton is overshadowed by Triple H and Stephanie McMahon.

Things to Hate: We've seen these two go at it plenty of times already (stats via profightdb.com), and it has never been that exciting.

Big Show and Orton faced off in a one-on-one match at Extreme Rules in May of this year in a relatively uninspired midcard match. Now, it’s the main event.

Orton also battled Show (with Sheamus by his side) in a two-on-one handicapped match twice in April. Show and Orton had four singles matches in 2012 on TV.

The two also had a SmackDown singles match this February, and a variety of tag matches against each other. So why do we need to pay for this?

Basically, this is The Big Show. He’s 41 years old and one of the least exciting main event wrestlers in WWE history. His offense relies mostly on gut punches and headbutts.

In 1995, it was novel watching him battle Hulk Hogan in WCW main events, but in 2013 it's just depressing.

Prediction: Randy Orton (70 percent confidence)

It would be too soon to take the title off Orton again, but Orton isn’t the star of The Authority storyline. Maybe Big Show will take this thing and battle another hand-picked opponent of Stephanie and Hunter. No matter what happens, it's going to be bad for business.