Jon Gruden—the Third Man in the Booth: A Short Play

Mike Tirico: Good evening everyone and welcome to the first Monday Night Football game of the new season. I’m Mike Tirico, along with Ron Jaworski and our newest member Jon Gruden.  Good to have you aboard, Jon.

Jon Gruden stares intensely at the camera.

Ron Jaworski…Uh, well this looks to be a fantastic game tonight with the Buffalo Bills taking on the New England Patriots. Big questions tonight are Tom Brady’s return and T.O.’s debut with Buffalo.  Jon, your thoughts?

Jon Gruden: IF BUFFALO WANTS ANY SHOT AT WINNING THIS GAME, THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE TO HIT BRADY HARD AND HIT HIM OFTEN!

Tirico: Jon, you have a microphone attached to you. You don’t have to yell.

Gruden: Oh. Sorry.

Tirico: There’s the kickoff, and New England downs the ball in the end zone. They’ll bring it out to the 20.

Jaworski: We’ll see if Belichick opts to let Brady air it out early or if they’ll test the ground game.

They both look to Gruden, who stares back at them with his eyes narrowed and his jaw firmly set.

Jaworski: Jon, do you want to add anything?

Gruden: What do you mean? I just did. Oh, jeez. I forgot that you guys haven’t learned to read my stares yet. When my eyes are open an eighth of an inch and I go for 27 seconds without blinking, that means I think they’ll keep it on the ground for the first series.

Tirico: Se… Seriously? You can say all that with a stare?

Gruden stares back at him.

Tirico: Oh my gosh, he just told me to go to hell. I saw it. It was terrifying.

Jaworski: Hey, Jon, take it easy okay. You know, you don’t look so good. Did you get any sleep last night?

Gruden: Of course I did. I slept right over there for a good 45 minutes last night.

Gruden points to a corner in the broadcast booth.

Tirico: You slept here?

Gruden: Of course I slept here. Don’t you guys know that about me? I always sleep at the office. I’m just that dedicated!

Jaworski: Do you even have a home?

Gruden: I’M DEDICATED!

Tirico: I’m not sure this is going to work out. Could we get Dane Cook on the phone or something.

Gruden: Whatever, you guys are just jealous that I’m winning this broadcast.

Jaworski: Jon, nobody is winning the broadcast. You don’t win a broadcast. We’re a team here.

Gruden: What do you mean you don’t win a broadcast? There’s the score right there. It’s 7 to 45.

Tirico: That’s a digital clock, Jon. It’s 7:45. That’s what time it is.

Jaworski: Can we cut to a commercial? Why haven’t we cut to a commercial?

Gruden gives his most intense stare to Jaworski, who promptly passes out.

Gruden: YOU WANT SOME, TIRICO? COME ON, BRING IT!

Silence.

Tirico:…Oh well, this is still better than Kornheiser. Moss goes up for the catch.  Touchdown Patriots!