Brian McCann Suspended 50 Games for Using Performance Enhancing Device (Humor)

Strike ThreeCorrespondent IMay 14, 2009

MLB is reporting that Atlanta Braves catcher Brian McCann has been suspended 50 games for violation of the Joint Commission Policy on the Use of performing enhancing devices.

Although the exact nature of the violation has not been released, a source close to the situation revealed that McCann has been seen wearing glasses during recent games. The glasses were first seen in the May 8 game in Philadelphia. They were eventually confiscated by MLB, and extensive testing revealed that the glasses did indeed contain corrective lenses.

“Players are always looking for ways to get an edge,” said a former player who spoke on the a condition of anonymity, but whose name rhymes with Leg Haddux (and who has won between 354 and 356 games as a pitcher). “If you are built small, you might take steroids. If you have not been blessed with 20/20 vision, you might be tempted to wear glasses. It is just sad because you never know when this is going to end. ”

An investigation has revealed that McCann took several steps to correct what has been described as blurry vision and dryness in his left eye.  An inspection of his medical records, which were turned over to MLB as part of the investigation, revealed that he had laser eye surgery in 2007 to correct the problem.

Receipts and checks also suggest that McCann purchased ointments, drops, and contact lenses. Some of these products were purchased from clubhouse attendants, while others were purchased by McCann himself in grocery and convenience stores.  It is well known in the baseball community that drops and ointments can be used to correct acute problems with visual acuity.

“Brian’s behavior is a little confusing, and very disappointing,” remarked teammate Chipper Jones.

“When he came onto the field wearing glasses, everyone just assumed he was trying out a new look.  Lots of guys wear sunglasses.  The idea that they might be corrective lenses was the last thing on my mind, but it also shows that the policy is working.  It is very hard to test for surgery and eye drops, but new advances allow baseball to test glasses, and that will help us clean up the game that I so dearly love and respect.”  

Chipper Jones has never been connected to PED’s and records confirm that he has shown age-related decrements in visual performance. “I have taken 15, 20 vision tests, and I never pass," said Jones. "I really can’t see a thing out there.”

McCann has been unavailable for comment, although he did release the following statement through his representatives:

“I am deeply sorry for what I have done, and for the pain and suffering I have caused my family, my teammates, the Braves, baseball, and the United States of America. I just want to make it clear that I was given the glasses by a private doctor, and I did not realize that they were corrective or banned under the policy.  I accept the responsibility of my actions, and I am ready to take steps so that I can play this game again with my God-given visual problems.”

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