Baseball Offal: News From the Week of March 23, 2009

Lou Gossett, Jr.—Texas Rangers Hitting Coach

According to a Dallas Morning News report, Andruw Jones will not opt out of his minor league contract with the Rangers.  He's hoping to come of the bench and play a smaller role.

In 2005, Jones hit 51 homers while playing for the Atlanta Braves.  Today he is competing with Frank Catalanotto for the fifth outfield spot.

The Texas Rangers should consider hiring Gunnery-Sergeant Emil Foley as a hitting coach because Jones has nowhere else to go.

Baseball Loses Another Prick

Curtis Montague Schilling announced his retirement today.  In the past few years, baseball fans have had to wave goodbye to Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, and now Curt Schilling. 

How will we ever recover? 

It’s getting so bad you almost want to root for someone else.

Schilling hasn’t said what he plans to do with his free time, but it will most likely involve him telling you to vote for an old, white Republican.

The Curious Case of Captain Indifference

Captain Indifference, a.k.a. Manny Ramirez, said he felt like he was “20 years old,” when asked about his legs following a recent hamstring injury. 

When asked about his fielding, Manny said he felt like “an 87 year old woman with two club feet and a wig.”

So, that’s why he’s always wearing that stupid shower cap!

Alex Rodriguez Likes Hookers

What else is a guy supposed to do with all that money?  Ladies, he's not paying for sex, he's paying them to leave.