The NFL season has come and gone, and now we are left to ponder all the goings-ons in free agency and the draft.
However, I was left pondering something else...Who comes up with these mascots? Some are tough, some seem lame, and others...well...others...stink.
So I set up a grand battle royale.
Let's all pretend for a minute we do not have a favorite team. I have created a bracket for all the teams mascots to fight it out...Tourney style.
(For the seedings, I created a 32-team single elimination tournament with seedings taken from the final power ranking of 2008-2009).
So Pittsburgh is No. 1, and Detroit is No. 32.
I also did not include the city names, so we could concentrate on the mascots. Enjoy!
Here is the bracket.
Fight One: Steelers vs. Lions
Best NFL Team vs. Worst NFL Team: Throw four steel mill workers in a room with four lions. No contest. Paper covers rock, rock crushes scissors, lions eat people.
Fight Two: Cardinals vs. Rams
Another contest where the bottom overtakes the top. A beautiful red bird. An angry animal with a large battering ram attached to its head. Top tier NFL teams zero, bottom feeders two.
Fight Three: Ravens vs. Browns
Finally...a win for the good guys. A bird that sometimes represents pure evil, against a color.
The color of poo, to be exact. Baaaazing! Colors can't fight back...although the argument can be made the real mascot is a bulldog...I own a bulldog.
I will still take the raven.
Fight Four: Eagles vs. Seahawks
An air battle...how interesting. The majestic eagle takes on the equivalent of a sea gull. I would not be an American if I picked a seahawk. Eagles take it.
Fight Five: Giants vs. Chiefs
This fight depends on how you define "Giant". If you say a giant is Godzilla sized, then the Giants win out. I am going to go by the true definition of, or a large sized man over 7'6" feet tall.
Think Andre the Giant, or that large dude from Big Fish. Chiefs are a feisty bunch with weaponry and spirit.
I will take the Chiefs in the closest battle yet. A tomahawk to the head will do that to you.
Fight Six: Titans vs. Raiders
Titans are people of war. Think Spartans. Raiders are sort of like pirates. Spartans vs. Pirates... hmmm... give me Leonidas. Titans win in a sword fight.
Fight Seven: Colts vs. Jaguars
We have an epic mismatch in this fight. Sleek killers vs. baby horses. Jaguars in a blow out of buffet proportions.
Fight Eight: Panthers vs. Redskins
This is an intriguing matchup to me. I cannot get the scene from Apacalypto out of my brain, where the Mayans are getting chewed up by the panther.
Similar results here: Panthers move on.
Fight Nine: Falcons vs. Bengals
The falcon has been known as the war-bird. Bengals are quick cats. I think this would be the closest of the cat-bird fights, but I will take the cats again.
Bengals move forward.
Fight 10: Chargers vs. Packers
The two most confusing names unite! What is a charger exactly? How about a packer? Ok, a charger is a wild horse, and a packer is... an employee of a packing company.
Move along Chargers.
Unless they can find big enough boxes to pack you in... you win.
Fight 11: Patriots vs. Bills
A patriot is someone who loves their country, and in this case, the NE Patriot is a highly armed old-school militant patriot.
Buffalo Bill was one crazy man. I take a group of Patriots in a shoot out.
Fight 12: Dolphins vs. 49ers
The Dolphins are difficult to judge because they live in water. However, the threat of a Dolphin is much more then the threat of a miner...unless you are talking about the dude from My Bloody Valentine.
I have to go with the speed and strength of a Dolphin.
Fight 13: Vikings vs. Broncos
A unique fight involving Nordic warriors and a wild west staple—the bucking bronco. However, vikings rode horses, and are highly armed.
Fight 14: Cowboys vs. Saints
John Wayne vs. Billy Graham. Wild Bill vs. The Pope. The wild, wild, west vs. posh Rome.
Fight 15: Buccaneers vs. Bears
I like this fight. Bears are huge and powerful. Buccaneers are insane and armed.
I will go with the Buccaneers.
Fight 16: Jets vs. Texans
The last fight is a weird one. How do you judge people from a state vs. a means of transportation? There are a lot of children in Texas that are "texans"... they won't be very tough... Jets are pretty big... I dunno... Jets?
There you have it!
However, I will not declare round winners until you let me know what you think!
Give me a reply with your choices, and have fun!