New England Patriots' NFL Draft Results: 7 Picks That Will Disappoint Tom Brady

Admittedly at this point, we are just picking nits with the New England Patriots. Coming off an AFC championship season in which they were a dropped Wes Welker catch away from a Super Bowl win, there can't be much complaining in Foxboro. 

However, playing devil's advocate is a good thing. Despite all that winning, there are areas to improve this team. Defensively in particular there are some spots in which upgrades are necessary. The Patriots traded up twice in the first round to get their guys; Chandler Jones and Dont'a Hightower, something they had not done since 2003. 

With each of their first six picks in the 2012 NFL draft, New England chose a defensive player. Their only offensive selection was receiver Jeremy Ebert in Round 7. That meant little attention was paid to Tom Brady's unit, something that might not make the aging QB too pleased. Sure, he knows he needs a good defense too, but with Matt Light retiring, he most likely wanted a little help on offense from the draft.

The only way to find out for sure is to travel into the mind of Brady.

So join John Cusack and me as we hop into this portal behind the filing cabinet on floor 7 1/2 at LesterCorp and explore the mind of Brady until we get tossed to the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. Also, watch out for Cameron Diaz—she is pretty angry with us. 

Round One: Chandler Jones (21) and Dont'a Hightower (25)

Watch your head—these ceilings are low. Oh hey, there is Gisele playing with Benjamin in the den. Let's flip on the NFL draft and see what Bill Belichick does in the first round. 

A trade? Not much of a shocker though, Bill seems to always trade down to the end or completely out of the first round...Wait, he traded up? Now it's getting interesting—looks like Riley Reiff, that left tackle out of Iowa is still on the big board. Snatch him, Bill! Do it now! 

Chandler Jones? They still play football at Syracuse? Going to have to text coach reminding him that Matt Light wasn't actually joking around about retirement. That's OK, though, the only thing worse than Gisele's cooking was our 2011 defense, maybe Jones can help out, plus we've got another first rounder coming up.

With the 25th pick we can't get Reiff, he's gone to Detroit. Enjoy that one Matty S. Big Ben just got another guard as well, so where is my protection, Bill?

Well, we drafted Dont'a Hightower out of Alabama. Can't say I disagree, he looks like a beast and I wouldn't want him busting through our O-line to take a shot at me. Good work overall, Bill. Just make sure to get some protection next round.   

Round Two: Tavon Wilson (48)

That was quite an entertaining first round last night, you have to love watching Chris Berman do his thing.

Now that we've shored up the defense a little bit in the first round, lets see if we can help me out a bit with the 16th pick in the second. A couple solid wide receivers just got swiped a few picks ahead of us. Too bad Bill isn't in a trading up mood today—I'd love to throw to a guy like Stephen Hill. Imagine that, a young, tall, fast wide-out wearing a Patriots uniform! I'm foaming at the mouth just thinking about it. Eli and Ben look like they have so much fun hitting those targets.

Here we go...Tavon Wilson? Really, Coach? Couldn't you have waited until at least the third round before you made your yearly attempt to make Mel Kiper Jr. look silly on national television? We just took the 26th ranked safety in the draft.

I get the defense-heavy picking, but this seems like a stretch. That mammoth lineman from Iowa State, Kelechi Osemele was still on the board too. We could've gotten Wilson much later, I was just getting the hang of pronouncing Ihedigbo too. 

Round Three: Jake Bequette (90)

Three straight defensive picks—all of whom coach must have been high on. He rarely trades up to give me any help, so these guys must be the real deal. 

Honestly, though, I love Nate Solder and all, but Matt Light and Brian Waters have told me they plan to retire soon. I'm going to need more depth protecting me, I'm not getting any younger over here. 

Here comes our third round pick. Jake Bequette from Arkansas. All-SEC is no joke, this kid looks like a beast on the outside.

Just checking my Bleacher Report rankings and guys like Bobby Massie and Lamar Holmes are still on the board. Bill needs to quit being in denial about this whole Matt Light thing. 

Round Six: Nate Ebner (197)

Alright, now we are at the fun part of the draft. This is where Bill Belichick can get creative and wind up with a player like me. I'll go remind Gisele now that I was selected at No. 199 back in 2000. 

Bill went defense again, this is starting to tick me off a little bit. I knew going in that we needed a lot of help on the defensive side of the ball, but this is a little ridiculous. Can't we at least take a flier on a WR or tackle. With my old pick, the San Francisco 49ers grabbed a tackle from Western Oregon. I would've liked that. We need to spice things up here.

All that is left are a couple seventh rounders. Our defense is looking pretty decent now, but how about an offensive player or two.

Round Seven: Alfonzo Dennard (224) and Jeremy Ebert (235)

Alfonzo Dennard...I've heard of him—let me check Google...

Oh, that's why I've heard of him...interesting pick there by Belichick. He really believes that he can change people even though we've only been about 50/50 in terms of success with these head-cases.

I feel like that Jeremy Ebert pick is just rubbing it in at this point. After all that watching, the only thing I come away with is another sub-six foot slot-receiver. I'm a little disappointed in our draft. The defense got a lot better, but our side was largely ignored. Bill better hope Nate Solder improves and Brandon Lloyd isn't a bust. I'll call Matt Light right now and ask him to hang on to that AARP card for another year.

BOOM. Well, here we are on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. Looks like Tom Brady felt a little let down after Bill Belichick ignored his offense during the draft. I hope he gets over it soon and realizes he still has the most explosive offense in football.

Ugh, what is that smell? Let's get out of here.