Denver Broncos: Why I Can't Hate Tebow, Even Though I Should

Ladies and gentlemen: welcome to Tebowmaggedon.

With the Broncos’ upset win over the Steelers today, Tim Tebow has become a living legend. The guy whose passes are so ugly they look like blocked punts now has a better postseason record than Matt Ryan. Think about that for a second.

I want to hate St. Tebow, I really do. He looks and acts like every frat boy “bro” you’ve ever hated. The media falls all over itself trying to praise him. He’s the most polarizing figure in sports, by far. I’m a lifelong Raider fan and he’s a freaking Bronco for crying out loud: I barely remember any game John Elway ever played, but I still hate his guts because he played for Denver. There is no reason on Earth I shouldn’t hate St. Tebow. But I can’t hate him. I just can’t.

Because the truth is, none of this is Tebow’s fault. As far as we know, the whole “pious servant of God” thing is not an act: it’s genuine. He really did circumcise infants in the Philippines. He really believes all that inspirational crap he says.

He’s never asked for all the media attention he gets. He doesn’t have a publicist who calls up reporters to offer interviews. People seek him out and he just says “OK.” He never demanded to be the starter in Denver, never badmouthed Kyle Orton or Brady Quinn. In fact, John Fox and Elway probably hate him. He’s a quarterback they inherited, a guy they never wanted, and yet they can’t get rid of him. He doesn’t see the whole field, his throwing motion is atrocious, but how can you argue with W’s?

The kid is just amazing. I’m not one of those delusional fools who think he is revolutionizing the way quarterback is played; make no bones about it, he is an awful quarterback. Guys like Peyton Manning must have to choke down vomit when they watch Tebow play. But he keeps winning. How the hell does he do it? No one knows. It must be God’s blessing, or voodoo magic or under-the-table bribes to opposing head coaches–it has to be something. Because one thing is for sure: it’s not good football.

Merril Hoge over on ESPN is losing his mind: He hates St. Tebow as much as anyone, and the winning is making him crazy. Because like me, he wants to understand it; but we can’t. There’s no reason a guy like Tebow should be heading towards a divisional playoff game, but here we are. The world doesn’t make sense anymore. Up is down, left is right, DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER.

Where does the St. Tebow Show have its last performance? He already beat a quarterback with three Super Bowl appearances. Will he defeat Golden Boy Tom Brady next week in New England? The Baltimore Ravens after that? Can you imagine how the internet will explode if he’s dueling Aaron Rodgers in Indianapolis four weeks from now?

I thought I knew this game. I thought I understood the NFL. But St. Tebow is changing all of it. He’s making guys like Peter King and Mark Schlereth look like fools. Quarterback is the most important position in all of sports; people in other sports make references to it (ever heard a point guard be called the “quarterback” of the offense?).

Passing has always been one of the primary functions of the quarterback, and yet here we have Tebow winning playoff games when he can barely complete a 12-yard slant. What happened to the NFL? I don’t recognize this game anymore.

How can you hate this guy? I believe people are just afraid: they’re afraid to admit that he’s really a playmaker in this league. They’re afraid that his rise challenges everything they ever knew about football. Resistance is futile, America. St. Tebow has arrived, and he’s actually accomplished something: He’s won a playoff game.

It’s amazing. It’s insane. It’s unbelievable. It’s reality. I guess I’ll start analyzing basketball, because I obviously don’t know anything about football anymore. Damn you, St. Tebow. You have ruined the NFL for me, and yet I still can’t hate you. Because no matter what you do, I have to watch; I can’t look away.

I may have to re-sign from Bleacher Report—how can I write about a sport that doesn’t make sense anymore? The Mayans were right, 2012 is the end of the world. Tebow is winning games, and I don’t understand how. We’re all doomed!