Roger Clemens Fallout: The Rocket's To-Do List

Roger Clemens is a very busy man.  And like most of us, he keeps on top of his daily activities by creating a “to-do” list.  Here's a look...

Rocket's To-Do's

-Pull my wife Debbie aside and rub her washboard abs.  Very nice.  Thanks, HGH!

-Text my buddy Andy Pettitte.  Wish him good luck this season.  Then thank him for providing the damaging deposition that allowed certain members of the Congressional committee to rip me a new one last week. 

-Put flaming bag of poop on Henry Waxman’s doorstep.

-Invite Mike Wallace and TV crew over to watch me work out.  That way America can watch 60 Minutes and see that I’m “doing it the right way.”  Be sure to have ambulance standing by for the 89-year-old Mr. Wallace.  Just in case.

-Start lobbying Hall of Fame voters in an attempt to convince them they should still induct me into their beloved shrine.  Explain to them that all of that “Hall of Fame doesn’t matter to me” talk was just…you know, talk.  Hopefully, they’ll be as easy to B.S. as members of Congress.

-Start betting on baseball games.  Why not?  It can’t ruin my reputation any more than it already has been. 

-Talk to Bush Administration officials regarding what a guy needs to do in order to get a Presidential pardon for perjury.  Scooter Libby got one and he doesn’t even have a Cy Young award.

-Email Brian Cashman.  Let him know that if the Yankees find themselves in need of starting pitching, I’m available.  And I can be back in pinstripes for the low, low price of $28 million.

-Contact Mark McGwire.  Ask him how a famous, record-setting athlete can go about falling off the face of the earth.  It’s something I may be interested in doing in the near future.  You know, if the Yanks don’t need me.  

-Find out how I can get in touch with Mark McGwire.  No one seems to know where he is.  Does Mark even live in this country anymore?  He’s like a ninja or something.

-Call Brian McNamee (make sure to press “record” button on tape player).  Express my frustration with him for telling the truth about everyone else he named in the Mitchell Report, except me.  Those guys were clearly guilty, but I’m not.  Also, if he has anything else lying around with my DNA on it, I’d like to get it back. 

-Look myself in the mirror.  Recite mantra over and over again: “I did it the right way.  I did it the right way.”  Because I’m Roger-freakin’-Clemens and “my way” is always the “right way.” And if I say I didn’t take steroids and HGH than that should be good enough. No matter how many times I contradicted myself under oath. 

“I did it the right way.” 

By saying those words over and over again, I’ll continue to convince myself that I did do it the right way.  And hopefully if I say it enough times, everyone else will be convinced, too.