The Boston Red Sox: Truly a Massachusetts Hometown Team

John Henry: Now, Theo, many Red Sox fans see Larry and me as carpet baggers...

Theo: (to himself): Blah, blah, blah.

John Henry: We need to let Sox fans know that despite the fact that we have been with the Orioles and the Diamondbacks and the Marlins...

Theo: (to himself): Blah, blah, blah.

John Henry: that we are loyal to the fans of Massapequa.

Larry: Psst, Massachusetts, boss.

John Henry: I possess a keen baseball mind like Tina Turner...

Larry: Ted Turner, boss.

Theo: (to himself): Most boring class since Bio Chem at Hahhhh-vard.

John Henry: The fans of the Red Sox Empire...

Larry: Nation, boss.

John Henry: We have 17 banners hanging from the rafters of the Garden...

Larry:  Fenway, none since 1918, no rafters boss.

Theo: Which way to Rahd-cliffe?

Larry: To yourself, Theo.

John Henry: Blah, blah, blah, Massachusetts Home town team. Now go to it.

Several minutes pass and John Henry exits room with Larry lagging behind.

John Henry: You think Juan Epstein got it?

Larry: Theo Epstein, boss.

Theo goes to Staah Bucks, ordahs a Mocha Java Late and sits at Harvahd Squeeehr and blows into his frothy mug. He yawns.

Theo: Okay...piece of cake.

Waitress: We don't have cake, cutie. We have this lemon poppy seed Taht.

Theo: Gimmee the Taht.

Larry: Tart, Theo.

Theo: Okay. I'm a Hahvahd boy and he wants the team filled with Massachusetts hometowns. I'd go West to East, but being Jewish, I'll go East to West, and South to North.

Theo: Let's see Kennedys were Harhvahd boys. Had a home in Hyannis on Cape Cod Bay...Yup, Jason Bay...Ramirez, Mass??? Nope..Make the trade...

Theo:  Where to put him....Hmm. Kennedys...left wing liberals...Yup...Bay in Left.

Theo: Where'd I put that Geography book?...Oh yeah...Pedro's little friend, Nelson, is standing on that....

Theo: Where are we...Massachusetts Hometowns...Wakefield. Let's see...was established by Cyrus Wakefield in 1856. The town of Wakefield...blah, blah named after 1868...donated land and money for the construction of the Town Hall..blah, blah. Done.

Theo: Lowell..T.he Lowell Spinners, a Single-A Minor League Baseball affiliate of the Boston Red Sox, play in the New York-Penn League.  Perfect...

John Henry: Theo, I'm in here putting some make-up on. Larry says I'm Pele.

Larry: Pale, boss.

Theo: Who can we get in the Lowell trade...Hmmm. Beckett. Becket, MA...Becket is located in the southern Berkshire Mountains,...and Mount Gobble to the east. Perfect, give those Turkeys a Becket.

Theo: Need more pitching...Leicester (pronounced Lester). Close enough...Site where Ron Darling hit a triple over head of the writer of this article in 1974 Little League All-star game. Perfect. Jon Lester.

Theo: Need relief.

John Henry: Can't Relieve you Theo...Maybe Larry can.

Larry: No can do, buddy.

Theo: (picks up phone)...Hey, W. You still own the Rangers?

John Henry: Bush owned a hockey team?

Larry: Texas Rangers, boss.

W: No sireee, Bob.

Larry: Theo.

W: No siree, Theo. But, still have contacts.

Theo: How bout Wes Littleton?

W: For who?

Theo: I don't care...two guys to be named later.

John Henry: We have some guys who haven't been named, yet?

Larry: Ahhh, never mind.

Theo: Littleton...Middle-sex county...Yup...I'm a cute, preppy college boy. Love that middle Sex.

Theo: Easier than I thought...Can someone find me? Bill Lee,  Wes Gardner, Mike Paxton,  Otis Nixon,  Paxton Crawford,  Bob Montgomery, and Jack Bellingham from previous Red Sox teams?

Larry: Hey, Theo. John Henry wants the team to have even more of a hometown flavor.

Theo: Alphabetically?

Larry: a flavor have Henry Hey, hometown John more of team Theo the to wants.

Theo: Huh??

Larry: Boss says to go outside of the organization.

Theo:... Daryl Boston, Gary Sheffield, BJ Upton, Gary Templeton, Shayne Spencer (Todd's hometown), Dean Palmer, Bob Tewksbury, Bob Shirley, Russ Adams, Andy Ashby, Darren Dalton, Josh Hamilton, Thurman Munson (RIP)......

John Henry: Hey Tito, you done?

Larry: Theo, boss.

Theo: Almost...

Theo: (on cell phone)...Ah, yes, rong distance to Matsuzaka, Japan?