Battle Royals and Hard Bumps: Looking at Episode 5 of Hulk Hogan's CCW

It's week 5 of Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling and it's time to learn about battle royals. It's an injury-filled week, highlighted by Rob Van Dam and low lighted by an elimination that apparently didn't stick.

First Quarter Hour

–Trishelle is concerned because she's the final woman left. No one is sure where Danny Bonaduce is, as he barely shows up for practice. A few minutes later at the weekly opening meeting, Dennis Rodman says it's a man's sport and asks why Trishelle is still there. She utters a boring response. You just learned promos last week!

–Because they are down to five people, the teams are combined and they'll compete in their first battle royal. Eric Bischoff says the good thing about a battle royal is that you can eliminate people by tossing them over the top OR by hitting your finishing move. Huh?

–The students learn how to get eliminated in a battle royal, known as "Over The Top" and the "Duck and Boost." Butterbean says there's no way he's going over the top because he's 400 pounds. Apparently, he is the biggest wrestler in the sport's history. They learn taking bumps over the top, leading to Bridges hitting his nuts, and Bean needing help to make it over the ropes, subsequently kicking Knobs in the face by accident. (Well, at least one good thing happened during the show.)

–Dustin Diamond won't take the bump in practice because he's saving his shoulder. Ok. Meanwhile, one of the background instructors ("Sammy") takes the bump and hurts his wrist. Way to man up, Big D. A few minutes later, Screech does take the bump and immediately goes to the medic, beginning a strange rant about how wrestling isn't easy. Apparently, everyone else thinks he's a real pussy, even Trishelle.

–Larry The Cable Guy has a Christmas special? He must dominate CMT. I'm also shocked to hear that CMT has a News division.

Second Quarter Hour

–Bonaduce arrives, apparently four hours late, par for the course according to the group.

–Hogan walks in with Rob Van Dam and Knobs says he's one of the best finishers in the business. Apparently, he meant he has one of the best finishers as Hogan begins explaining how their final move to learn this week will be their finisher, created by them. Hogan and Van Dam seem like a strange mix, but I guess it works here.

–The group is "amazed" by RVD, who shows them the 5-Star Frog Splash on Knobs including why he sells so much post-hit. He then starts to work with the students and Bonaduce offers to take the Battle Royal bump, but hurts his back so badly that an ambulance is called. Slowly but surely, Todd Bridges is becoming the favorite to win. Knobs gives Bonaduce the 'Welcome to the wrestling business, kid' line as he's getting put on the stretcher. That's always nice to hear as you're getting a neck brace put on you.

–As RVD helps with the group's finishers, Trishelle, Bridges and Diamond struggle with what to do. I don't think Beefcake has said one word this whole show. RVD came off really good as he got in there and interacted with the group on psychology of finishers. If this show gets a 2nd season, he'd be a great coach.

Third Quarter Hour

–Four hours to match time and Bonaduce isn't there. He also hasn't learned his finishers which could be problematic. The coaches have no idea where he is as the use of cell phones is escaping people. There are a lot of little common sense items that escape this show on a weekly basis.

–They get into how these matches work and how each wrestler has a separate "dance partner" for part of the match. This is actually pretty good, but it's the nameless instructors that are doing most of the talking. Why aren't these guys more involved in the matches? Surely, they could be jobbers to help out the celebs in-ring during the shows, right?

–The group is now called Team Hogan, according to Knobs. Beefcake remains silent.

–As the entrants come to the ring, I wonder if these fans see any other matches from real wrestlers or is this it? They get quite a few people for just 20 minutes of action.

Final Quarter Hour

–The Battle Royal is done in Royal Rumble format. Diamond and Bridges start out. Bridges skins the cat when Diamond attempts an elimination. I think it took a little more effort though as the camera cuts away halfway through. Nice attempt though.

–Trishelle is up next, then Rodman, then Butterbean. Rodman continues to look like he's working stiff, something Trishelle alluded to earlier. Bridges looks good again in avoiding elimination and the group teams up to eliminate Bean over the top.

–Bridges hits a sunset flip finisher to pin Screech to eliminate him. Similar to the Royal Rumble finish where Ric Flair eliminated Hogan and Sid Vicious, Bridges and Rodman have a nice elimination exchange and Trishelle eliminates them both to win. This match was a lot better than any they've had so far and you actually forgot they were celebs for a minute.

–Elimination time. Hogan likes what Trishelle has been doing, while Bischoff thinks Diamond is plateauing. Jimmy Hart wasn't a fan of how Bean took his elimination bump. Hogan decides it's not fair that this group worked hurt and Bonaduce wasn't there, so Danny gets eliminated as an image of him in a neck brace is shown on the video screen. Knobs gets in a 'red headed freak' comment as we close the show. Stay classy, gents.

But wait! Next week we have hardcore wrestling and Bonaduce stops in and apparently gets back on the show. That's nice. Bill Goldberg drops in for a visit.

Josh Nason has written and maintained Ropes, Ring and Cage since 2007 and can be reached at [e-mail]. If you are using any content or recapping from this site, please include a link to www.ropesringandcage.com. Thank you for your support!