MLB San Francisco Giants: San Jose Sharks MUST Replace SF Offense to Win NL West

If you think this article is in jest, I encourage you to watch Monday night’s travesty against the Chicago Cubs. Your tune will soon change.

Randy Wells, he of the Greg Maddux location, Nolan Ryan fastball, and Roy Oswalt breaking ball, threw a two-hit shutout against the offensively challenged San Francisco Giants on Monday night. This command performance punctuated the Giants’ putrid losing streak, wherein they have gone 10-20 and lost nine and a half (9.5!) games in the standings, effectively removing them from playoff contention.

They got Carlos Beltan. He was a bust. Beltran apologists, I don’t want to hear from you.

They promoted Brandon Belt. Despite flashes of brilliance and more hype than Denver Broncos underachieving quarterback Tim Tebow, he has fit right in with the rest of the under-performers. Sorry Belt apologists—The Messiah he is not.

They got Orlando Cabrera. He was a bust. Cabrera apologists… well, there aren’t any of those. But let’s face it: Brandon Crawford would have been just as much an abomination at the plate if not more-so. Yes, he would have turned the double play that Cabrera did not. This would have resulted in a 4-0 loss instead of a 7-0 loss, a valuable contribution indeed.

And the hits just kept on coming. Players kept going onto the disabled list. Sergio Romo, Brian Wilson, Andres Torres, Nate Schierholtz, Carlos Beltran and more.

BUT HOPE IS NOT LOST.

The Giants have one more chance to get into the playoffs. By winning the next two games against the Chicago Cubs, the Giants can be no worse than five games behind the Arizona Diamondbacks going into their three game set with them this weekend. Best of all, the Giants can make key roster moves on their off-day Thursday when rosters expand to 40.

I’m not talking about Brett Pill. I’m not talking about Brandon Crawford. I’m not talking about Eric Surkamp, or Gary Brown.

I’m talking about Joe Thornton, Patrick Marleau, Antti Niemi, and Dan Boyle.

Bring up the San Jose Sharks.

This is how you do it. Keep the pitching staff intact. Put Jonathan Sanchez and Barry Zito on the 60 day disabled list with “broken potential.” Place Mark DeRosa on the 60 day disabled list with a “limp wrist.” Place Pat Burrell on the 60 day disabled list with an “infected groin.” Place Aaron Rowand on the 60 day disabled list with a “dislocated brain stem.” Place Miguel Tejada on the 60 day disabled list with “an incurable flesh eating disease.”

Release Waldis Joaquin, Dan Runzler, Eli Whiteside, and Manny Burriss because, let’s face it, they suck worse than your grandmother’s forty year old vacuum cleaner.

These moves give the San Francisco Giants ten roster spots. If any of the aforementioned selections seem particularly offensive to you, noble readers, there is no need to spam this column with inflammatory comments, as we will only need eight members of the San Jose Sharks. So pretend that two of your favorite underachievers are still worth something and omit them from this list in your mind.

Then, Brian Sabean, offer the aforementioned Sharks and four others of your choice minor league contracts. Send in the Bay Area equivalent of Tom Hagen in as the negotiating attorney. They won’t refuse the offer.

Purchase the contracts and promote each player to the active roster in time for Friday. Your job is complete.

Now is the part where you, Bruce Bochy, need to put that over-sized watermelon you call a head to good use. This is where you will win the division.

In the first inning of Friday night’s game against the Arizona Diamondbacks, lead off with Dan Boyle. Joe Saunders will throw a fastball on the inside corner. It will be called a strike. Dan Boyle will think that Saunders was attempting to hit him. Dan Boyle will charge the mound, instigating a massive bench clearing brawl.

The benches will clear. The San Jose Sharks, armed with baseball bats, will go Tanya Harding on Ian Kennedy’s kneecaps. Justin Upton will receive a broken jaw from Joe Thornton. The entire forty man roster (save for nine position players, most of whom will be utility players) of the Arizona Diamondbacks will be decimated, and the Giants will win the game by being intentionally walked fifty seven times.

Then Bud Selig will come into play. He will (rightly) suspend every one of the “San Francisco Giants” involved in the brawl for the rest of the season and ban them from playing professional baseball again.

Brian Sabean will be left with no choice but to play with his current team of misfits, plus the two players that you, noble reader, have decided not to place on the 60 day disabled list/release.

With the Arizona Diamondbacks in the intensive care unit, the Giants will cruise to an NL West title.

And this, Mr. Sabean, Mr. Bochy, and San Francisco Giants fans everywhere, is the only way that this can possibly happen.