What the Suns Must Do To Earn My Love

I feel like a girl that keeps getting dumped, but finds it impossible to forget about the guy and move on.

The Suns are my team. They always will be. I love them, and they keep telling me that they love me. Every year, they swear to me, "This time we'll get it right. You'll see."

And every year my heart gets ripped out of my butt and stomped on. Lady fans, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

This year, I'm putting my foot down. I'm laying down the law. It's my way, or the highway, baby.

Shaq: You did what I needed you to do on the court. You gave the Suns a double-double and a presence in the middle. That's all they needed. Just keep your focus and for cripes' sake, keep your health.

Amare: You need to show a little less one-sidedness in this relationship. Offensively, you're wonderful. And you'll keep getting better. But defensively, I need a little more from you. I need you to be willing to do the dirty work in this arrangement. Move your feet and get more than eight rebounds a game. Less style and more substance. Be in it for us, and not for you.

Grant: Just hold yourself together one more season. When you're physically able to contribute, I'm emotionally capable of committing. It's that simple.

Raja: I need you to spice things up again. You remember that wonderful evening against L.A., don't you? You had that look in your eye; that look that said, "F***, Kobe." And then, you followed through, baby! Last year, I didn't feel the same fire. Stoke it again, Raja.

Steve: Your mine and everyone's favorite Canadian. You've got to do something you're not naturally good at this year...play defense. Reach out for the good of us, Steve. Don't be content with what you've already accomplished.

Boris: French people are supposed to be sexy. Not sweet. Sexy. Play that way.

Leandro: It's ok to change the pace sometimes. You don't always have to go in one gear. Less is more. Slow down. Use all your tools. I love how fast you move, but mix things up a little bit. Get control of yourself.

Robin: Show the others what it's like to be in this kind of a relationship for the first time. Give your all, like everyone knows you do. Show Amare that every miss is a rebound. Maybe your older, "more experienced" teammates will remember what it was like to play this game for the first time.

Goran: Don't worry and don't stress. We can go slow, but don't be afraid to make a move.

And finally, Steve Kerr, don't mess it up if it's working. Don't get impatient if it's not working right away. Give it some time. The Spurs gave Tony Parker time to work through his mistakes, and now look at him. He's married to Eva freakin' Longoria.