The Official Dallas Mavericks Awards, Presented by Zookeeper
I remember my Little League Baseball experiences rather easily. I remember them because I was so large when I played Little League Baseball that I was getting beaned even in coach pitch. I remember them because I basically just stood out in 130 degree weather for three hours to collect one Capri Sun, but really, the real reason I remember all of these Little League Baseball experiences is because I got a trophy to commemorate my Little League experiences.
After the conclusion of the NBA Finals, we will not remember anything about this season besides that the fact that the Dallas Mavericks were the NBA champions (fingers crossed!). This should really make you cringe because we should remember more about the team that stole every single heart in America! That's why to properly honor the Mavericks, I have given every single player on the team an award, just like the coaches used to do for me in Little League. Also if I ever meet Dirk, I might hook him up with a Capri Sun, too.
J.J. Barea
1 of 11
Jose Barea
Winner of the "High Five Award"
Barea gets this award because he has probably gotten more high fives from fans than any player in the league. Because of his extremely small stature, when Barea tells people that he plays in the NBA, they probably all give him a high five. Because of his extremely hot girlfriend, everywhere that Barea goes, he gets a high five. Really Barea is the only person that gets more high fives than Stan Van Gundy gets an Italian restaurant. It's insane!
Corey Brewer
2 of 11
Corey Brewer
Winner of the "2011 Unnecessary Headband Award"
If you can name me one good reason that Corey Brewer is still wearing a headband, then you must be one of those people that can still name me five good reasons to still have a house phone. The headband used to be a symbol of how cool or ghetto you were, but now, it is just a symbol of how 1990s you want to be. Off the court, Brewer probably wears his headband while listening to the Backstreet Boys on his Walkman as well. The headband should be headbanned.
Caron Butler
3 of 11
Caron Butler
Winner of the "2011 Phil Collins Award"
It is really sad and entertaining to watch Caron Butler on the Mavericks bench. I have not got this much entertainment out of watching a player ride the bench since I watched Jose Canseco at the last celebrity softball game.
Butler looks completely depressed, but at the same time, is keeping me extremely entertained. This is similar to the way Phil Collins songs are so depressing that they are entertaining. So now, every time I listen to "Against All Odds," I will think of a really tall black basketball player. That's exactly what Phil Collins wanted.
Brian Cardinal
4 of 11
Brian Cardinal
Winner of the "2011 Along Came Polly Award"
A lot of thoughts cross my mind when I see Cardinal enter the game with about three seconds left in every quarter. My first thought is "What kind of dude embraces the nickname of the Janitor?" The last time I called a janitor "janitor," they slapped me with their broom and told me to call them "key cleaning worker."
My second thought is "How is this dude less scared of the spotlight than LeBron James?" My final thought is "This guy looks exactly like the sweaty guy who posted up Ben Stiller in "Along Came Polly!" The real sad thing here was that scene was the peak of Ben Stiller's acting career.
Tyson Chandler
5 of 11
Tyson Chandler
Winner of the "Farmville Award"
I was still pretty mad at Tyson Chandler for suddenly being the most energetic player in the NBA with the Mavericks after looking like he had just taken 13 Ambien before every single game with the Bobcats.
But then after a thrilling halftime feature that showed Chandler taking care of many different animals on a farm growing up, I ended up forgiving Chandler completely. Chandler had a very good excuse for being terrible in Charlotte. He was spending every single day and every single night playing "Farmville" (which was very popular at the time). But in all fairness, I would rather have a player waste time playing "Farmville" instead of eating every danish in plain sight. I'm still bitter Sean May!
Brendan Haywood
6 of 11
Brendan Haywood
Winner of the "2011 Great Value Award"
When people think of Brendan Haywood, the first thing they might think is "Wow, that guy is really overpaid!" in reference to Brendan Haywood's $12.5 million-per-year contract. Well, personally ladies and gentlemen, I think this gentle giant is quite underpaid.
While Haywood makes a measly $12.5 million per season, he shoots a remarkable 25 percent from the free-throw line. This technically means that Haywood is only getting paid half of what he is worth! And by this logic, J.J. Redick should make about $98 million per tear, I mean year.
Dominique Jones and Jason Kidd
7 of 11
Dominique Jones
Winner of the "Who the hell is Dominique Jones Award?"
No, really—who the hell is Dominique Jones?
Jason Kidd
Winner of the "2011 Play That Funky Music White Boy Award"
There are quite a few reasons that Jason Kidd earns this year's version of this award. The first is that he developed a jump shot that would have led to about 150 fewer fake Vince Carter injuries if he would have developed it in New Jersey.
Then he just decided to shut down LeBron James and Dwyane Wade. Another fun fact is that while Play That Funky Music was still a huge hit, Jason was entering his 15th ABA season (OK, not really).
Ian Mahinmi and Shawn Marion
8 of 11
Ian Mahinmi
Winner of the "2011 Jurassic Park Award"
A well known fact in most NBA circles is that really no one is scared of guarding Chris Bosh. Heck, no one is scared of Chris Bosh. I swear when I watch Bosh return to Toronto, there will be at least 38.5 million people who will not be scared of fighting him or giving him free health care.
Another thing we do know is that Ian Mahinmi was absolutely frightened of Chris Bosh. He made Bosh look strong, gave him free baskets, let him flex in his face and became the biggest disgrace to the people of Canada since well Chris Bosh. Also, if Mahinmi is scared of dinosaur Bosh, we can only imagine how scared he would have been of the first "Jurassic Park."
Shawn Marion
Winner of the "How The Heck Did That Go In Award?"
I hate to say this about a multi-time All-Star, but I am surprised when Shawn Marion does anything good. His shot looks like a bad cross between Joakim Noah's and my Paw Paw Pete's. When he's chasing people down court, I am surprised that he does not break the floor. I have never seen the man actually attempt a pass that was with one hand, or that was not completely awkward. In fact, this is the most surprisingly effective NBA player we have had since Vlade Divac.
Dirk Nowitzki!
9 of 11
Winner of the "The 2011 UN Award"
No one should be surprised when, after this season, we find out that Dirk Nowitzki is the most popular player in the NBA. You really should not be surprised when at the end of Dirk's career, he is voted one of the most popular players ever. What should kind of surprise you is that America's favorite basketball player is a German.
This kind of proves how far we have come as a nation now that we are accepting non-American basketball players as our favorite basketball player on an American team. This will also help Dirk come in handy if we are have any conflict with the German's again. We can just say "Hey, we love Dirk too!" and the conflict will probably end quicker than a Rick Pitino (you know this joke by now). Dirk is not only a savior to fundamental basketball but a savior of the United States. What a great man!
DeShawn Stevenson
10 of 11
DeShawn Stevenson
Winner of the "2011 Emancipation Proclamation Award"
DeShawn Stevenson became one of my favorite players in the league when I learned about his Abraham Lincoln tattoo. We need more guys in the league like DeShawn Stevenson. People do not realize that while Stevenson goes on sports radio shows to trash talk LeBron James, he will also go on NPR to discuss important issues such as Tort Reform and the GDP.
If everyone in the league were like DeShawn Stevenson, then well, we would never start a game because the players would just be debating politics the entire time! Stevenson is also known as one of the league's best trash talkers. He once told Dwyane Wade: "I do not like your opinions on the NASA stock!" Clearly offended, Wade had one of his worst games of the series. This is just DeShawn Stevenson doing what he does folks!
Peja and Jason Terry
11 of 11
Peja Stojakovic
Winner of the "2011 Steal Award"
The Mavericks may have cheated to get Peja Stojakovic. But who wouldn't have cheated to get a 34-year-old Serbian who can only shoot? According to my sources, therre is not a better thing for team chemistry in the entire league than a Serbian who can only shoot! This is the move that turned the Mavericks season upside down.
Jason Terry
Winner of the "Irrational Confidence Award"
OH MY GOODNESS! was your reaction when Jason Terry hit that one off-balance dagger of a three-pointer late in the fourth quarter of Game 5. But really, should we have been surprised? This is all the guy does is nail big shots that he really should not be taking in the first place. I respect Jason Terry because he has the confidence that he can do anything, even if the odds are stacked against them.
He would really have the confidence to go up to the hottest girl in the world and ask her to hook up with him. I mean, I do not even think he would care that it was J.J. Barea's girlfriend. That's the kind of guy Jason Terry is, and that is why he has been one of the most important players in this series.
.jpg?w=600 "Colts Release Kenny Moore")
