Fantasy Draft Strategy 101: 10 things NOT to do on draft day!

When draft season comes around, every where you look, you see all of the "What to do on draft day" features. You just cannot miss them!

Over a few years, you start to get the picture: come prepared, pay attention, do research, follow your gut, yadda yadda yadda...

BORING!

Here are some things that you SHOULDN'T do on draft day!

Even though delivered in a some-what humorous tone, these examples have actually happened to myself or colleagues!

So take note! 

Don't bring the wife!

Every once in a while, you get the guy who brings his wife and/or kids to he draft. Nobody knows why this guy brings them. Is it because the wife nagged him to tag along (probably...)? Is it because he couldn't find a sitter?

Who knows.

What you should know is to not bring your family. Unless of course you're blessed with a wife who plays fantasy football and is in your league.

Once you bring your wife, you might as well well hand in the league fee then walk right back out the door. She's going to be a distraction not only to you, but the rest of the league because, face it, guys just can't be guys when a wife or kids are around.

With the wife in the room, you're going to hear things such as:

"Can I make one of the picks?"
"You've had too many beers. You're done."
"Oh my God, how can you eat like that?"
"Why did you take THAT guy?"
"Oh, he looks cute! Draft him!" 

You might as well hand in your man card and play fantasy ballett.

Don't be the phone guy!

No matter what, there's always going to be the guy calling in on the phone. It's inevitable. It's against the laws of physics to have everyone at the draft.

Don't be the call in guy!

The call in guy is always behind in the draft, you can never hear him, and is always late getting his picks in.

We've all went through the draft recap with the phone guy. If you can't remember your experience, here's a reenactment:

Guy #1: I'll take DeSean Jackson.
Commissioner: Alright, Nick (phone guy), it's your pick.
Phone guy: Who were the last five picks?
Guy #2: Reggie Wayne, Matt Schaub, Knowshon Moreno, Brandon Marshall, and DeSean Jackson.
Phone guy: Sorry, couldn't hear you. Who? 
Commish: Wayne, Schaub, Moreno, Marshall, Jackson.
Phone guy: OK, I'll take Schaub.
Guy #2: Wayne, Schaub, Moreno, Marshall, Jackson. Schaub is gone.
Phone guy: Who?

Just don't be that guy. If you must draft via the phone, pay attention. Oh, and if you must call in, call in on a phone that actually has service!

Don't play 120 questions!

"Who would you take here?"
"Who is the fifth best back?"
"Why did you get pineapple on the pizza?" 
"How's your wife?" 

Don't be the guy who asks an endless amount of questions during the entire draft! Especially don't be the guy who asks for draft strategy. You're setting yourself up for blatantly bad advice and a boot out of the league when the season is over.

Keep your questions to yourself and figure them out on your own. If you're not asking questions every two minutes, you may seem like you know what you're doing. If you're constantly asking questions, it's a tell tale sign that you have no idea what to do at your pick.

Let Google hear your questions, not the league!

Don't pig out!

It's draft day. It's almost like Thanksgiving but with pizza, cheese dip, buffalo wings, and refried beans!

Go ahead and dig in and enjoy all of the man food. After all, you know when you get home, it's back to the wife's tofu burgers with a spinach smoothie to wash it down. 

Enjoy the food while you can but don't eat to the point where your stomach is going to turn against you and make you sit in the bathroom all night.

You do NOT want to be making the picks from the porcelain throne:

Guy #1: Dave, it's your pick!
Bathroom guy: What!?
Commish: Your pick! 
Bathroom guy: Peyton Manning! 
Guy #2: Who did he say?
Guy #1: What? Eli Manning?
Bathroom guy: Yea, Manning!

Relax off the food until after the draft then feel free to punish your bowels with all the food you want!
 

Don't be the magazine guy!

Everyone brings one or two of these magazines to the draft. It's good reference to have a good tome of the top players in the NFL. However, don't bring stacks and stacks of the magazines.

One guy in a draft I took part in a couple years ago brought nine of these magazines. Immediately, we knew this guy had no idea on what he was going to do in the draft.

Also, these guys tend to take the pick into the final seconds which will add up and make for a very long draft.

Pick one or two of what you think the best magazine is and bring it along for the draft.

Oh, and if you want to punish the guy with all the magazines, replace a few with last years edition and watch him draft Matt Forte in the first round!

Trust me, it has happened before!

Don't get emotional!

There's always one in every league.

You know, the guy who almost breaks down in tears right after you took the guy he wanted the pick before him.

"I was going to take him! Gosh, this sucks. Now I'm going to come in last. Why should I even finish the draft?"

Fantasy football is a lot like poker, you don't want to show much emotion during your picks whether it's for the negative or positive.

If you get sniped, shake it off and come up with a new pick. If you get excellent value with a pick that may be the steal of the draft, don't celebrate it out loud. Just do a couple cartwheels in your head and continue with the draft. 

An experienced fantasy manager makes it seem as if he has had a grand plan for everything. If that guy falls, act like you knew he'd fall. If you get sniped, have another pick ready to go.

Just don't go Britney Spears during the draft. More like Ivan Drago from Rocky IV.

I must break you!

Don't be a homer!

No, not the yellow, lovable oaf...the other kind of homer.

Nothing will kill a team faster then drafting with the intent on getting as many players from your favorite team as possible.

This is a big no-no.

I had a draft yesterday where a big San Francisco 49ers fan took Vernon Davis over Antonio Gates in a PPR league.

Yes, Davis over the top tight end. His reasoning? "He's a nice guy!"

While Vernon is a heck of a player, Antonio is the best fantasy tight end in a PPR format especially with Vincent Jackson out. You cannot pass up Gates for a "nice guy" who just so happens to also be your favorite player.

In another draft, Brett Favre was taken 11th overall to a big Vikings fan. 11th overall! Before Peyton and Brady!

I know, I know!

Also, don't be afraid to take players from an extreme rival to your team. Don't pass up Aaron Rodgers because you're a Vikings fan.

We all like having our favorite players on our teams but don't ruin your draft by reaching just to draft them.

Check your homerism at the door!

Don't be the know-it-all!

Nothing makes people more mad then the guy who thinks he knows everything about fantasy football.

You know the type:

"Wow, you took Jackson here? He shouldn't even go next round! Give me a challenge this year!"
 
or

"Wow, I just got the steal of the draft? How did you morons let him fall this far? Wow!" 

Basically, the guy who comments on everybody's draft pick like he's the inventor of fantasy football.

After two hours, this guy gets highly annoying to the point where the duct tape and rope starts getting taken out of the garage.

There's such thing as talking trash and then there's this. Trash talk is fun and good natured. Pithy comments about someone else's team is not and what they may have done wrong is not.

Nobody likes Mr. Know-it-all's and the fall is just that much harder if you're that guy and end up out of the playoffs.

Do yourself a favor, and keep the yap shut!

Don't be the gassy guy!

When you're with the guys with no women in sight, it's perfectly fine to let a belch or a flatulence go every once in a while. After all men, no matter how old you are, farts are always funny.

However, it starts becoming a problem when a guy is letting go of the volatile gases at an alarming rate.

Not only is the leagues nose hair count down to zero and the cat is laying in the corner twitching, it's just a major distraction every time a fellow manager has to get up and open a window...to get the industrial size fan into the room.

If you know that the onion dip gives you bad gas, try and refrain from it as much as possible. One or two farts per draft is fine, it's not fine when the other managers flee the room like Pripyat after Chernobyl every five minutes.

Do the responsible thing and keep your bodily gases under control!

Don't get intoxicated!

The single biggest rule!

Yes yes, I know. It's draft day. It's almost a holiday! Of course you're going to throw a few back with the boys!

Just don't throw back too many brews before and during the draft. You're setting yourself up for a bad season if you do.

Why is that?

Every guy knows why!

We tend to do dumb things while under a yeasty haze!

Whether it's drafting David Akers in the sixth round or drafting Curtis Painter in the ninth round because the guys dared you to, we all do dumb things under the influence!

Have a few during the draft and as soon as you take that kicker in the last round, feel free to take it upon yourself to rid the world of the golden nectar can by can in celebration of a draft well done...

....or drink your sorrows away after drafting a last place team.