Tainted Concession Stand Food Causes Near Double No-Hitter (Satire)

Spoiled food in the clubhouse and concession stands at Tropicana Field nearly resulted in two no-hitters in the July 26 contest between the Tampa Bay Rays and Detroit Tigers.

When a report from Sports Illustrated stating that 100 percent of concession stands in Tropicana Field failed their food safety inspections in the last 12 months began circulating on the internet, players and fans alike were skeptical but no more after the results of today's contest.

"I got up to the plate in the 3rd, and I just had the worst stomach cramps," Detroit catcher Gerald Laird said after the game. "So did everyone else. We figured if we just swung, swung, swung, we could just go back to the clubhouse and, you know." Laird went 0-3 with two strikeouts on the day.

Matt Joyce says the Rays had the same problem when he was up to bat in the bottom of the 6th.

"The bases were loaded even though we weren't trying to get hits and didn't have any at all, you know?" He said in the clubhouse after the game. "The other guys out there on base were staring at me like, 'you better do something big here, I gotta get back in there.' So I swung and knocked it out of the park."

No Ray got a hit until Joyce's slam in the bottom of the 6th, but no Tiger got a hit at all in this ballgame which is the first no-hitter in Tampa Bay Rays history.

"It was great, I didn't have my best stuff, but I did it anyway with the help of my defense and the free-swinging Tigers. Now if you'll excuse me," said Garza as he ran into the clubhouse after the brief post-game celebration which consisted of players running to the mound, stopping halfway, and going back into the clubhouse.