"Hands off Jimmy": Time for Clausen to Go Third-Person

"Jimmy is one of the more polished quarterbacks to come out from the West in sometime, Jimmy has consistency and accuracy that is second to none. Jimmy is a pure winner, having never lost a start as a prep quarterback. Jimmy's speed would be the only question, though he has good mobility."

- JimmyClausenOnline.org 

"Jimmy doesn't like misunderstandings. Jimmy and misunderstandings, kinda clash. Jimmy's got a compound fracture. Jimmy's gonna get you...Jimmy holds grudges!"

- Jimmy, Seinfeld: Season 5, Episode 19 

This isn't meant in jest so much as it's a recommendation.

Everyone already thinks that Notre Dame's young quarterback is a smarmy, over-hyped and underachieving little brat. He may as well have a little fun with it, right?

And if anyone can pull off a third-person get-up, it's Jimmy. 

Hell—any 20 year-old moonlighting as a freshman in college could use an alternate identity. Especially when his long-awaited debut was more like Holiday (Carlyle) than Elway (John).

As a Notre Dame grad and avid, fair-weather fan, I'm here to get the role-play going:

Dave: Jimmy, we've suffered enough without your bunk elbow and wobbly 30-yard passes. Get it together.

Jimmy: Jimmy played pretty good.

Dave: Actually you didn't, Jimmy. You played like shit.

Jimmy: Jimmy's not talking anymore. Jimmy only talks at the College Football Hall of Fame.

Dave: Jimmy, seriously, that's so immature and reflects badly on yourself and your University. 

Jimmy: (silence)

Something of that nature, Jim. Throw some personality our way on media day next year. 

After this season—we deserve to be entertained...