A Letter To Andy Reid: Cheeseburgers, Marlin Jackson, and Santa Claus

Dear Andy,

We hate you. And by “we” I clearly mean “me.”

Sure, you turned the Eagles around and you gave me something to cheer about. I even took pride in being an Eagles fan because we were actually good.

It was weird, and I liked it.

That’s great and all, but you’re not finishing this thing off and this offseason leads me to believe you have no clue what you are trying to accomplish here.

I’m confused trying to keep up with your bewildering ways and you’re confused about this whole general manager thing. Spare me the lecture or comment about Howie Roseman. He fills the position only by title.

You kind of let the cat of the bag on that one when you said, “That’s my call,” in reference to who will make the decision to bring back Donovan McNabb.

It’s true that Roseman was not in the position when you made that comment back in January, but you could have told everyone the decision would be made by those in charge or some other non-descript answer.

You’re actually really good at not revealing anything to the fan base. You do it every week at your press conferences.

You put yourself on the line for the decision regarding Donny boy. Well if you’re the one making decisions about the franchise quarterback I can only assume you are the one who is making all of the decisions regarding the construction of this team.

Actually, to call this offseason “construction” really doesn’t make a whole lot sense because you don’t know what the hell you’re building. You’re sort of getting a bunch of slop together and trying to pawn it off as a football team.

What are you doing here bud?

Seriously.

Tell me.

I would love to know.

I watched your pathetic defense get lit up like a menorah (don’t worry, there is a Christmas reference later). The defensive line was undersized, the secondary couldn’t cover anybody, and the linebackers didn’t even do a good job of taking up space.

It seems like the only way your defense gets pressure is through blitzes. I can see the weaknesses from the comfort of my own coach or in the frigid temperatures at the Linc. You have to see it on the film you watch weekly. You really can’t be that dense. Cheeseburgers clog arteries, not brain cells.

Apparently I’m wrong.

The first player you acquired from another team was Marlin Jackson.

Why?

What did I do to deserve this? I go to games at home and on the road. I think you waived to me once. It was either me or the hot dog guy. I like to think it was me.

But anyway, Marlin frickin’ Jackson?

You send Brian Dawkins away because he was old. Fine, I get that. But you had no plan. You know how I know? Because last year you failed with Sean Jones and then you tried to put a rookie cornerback Macho Harris at safety.

The patchwork was disgusting. It didn’t match anything and it peeled away in the heat of the game.

Now what?

You want to give me a guy who blew out his knees as the solution.

Thanks, but no thanks.

I thought this was the one insult you would toss in the face of Eagles fans, but then you reached out to Hank Baskett. I hope you know that as you extended your hand to him, you backhanded  me upside the head.

I let it go cause you love me and you only meant it to try and help me understand things better. There was no way you were going to go much lower than this. And maybe the backhand to my head was knocking a little sense in me.

I was probably a little too hard on you for not signing Julius Peppers. He had a huge price tag on him and I know things must be tough financially for everyone down at the NovaCare Bunker.

You had a solution though. I could feel it in my veins. I thought for sure we were going to get a defensive end to compliment Tent Cole.

Nope. You went from a swift backhand to an open-fisted, hi-ya karate chop, slap, knucklesanwich to my face.

I was floored. I can’t believe the team I live and die with would do this to me.

You passed on Peppers who has 81 career sacks and instead pulled off the blockbuster trade that brought Darryl Tapp and his 18.5 career sacks to town.

Thanks Andy, I really appreciate that one.

Just what we need: another undersized defensive end. Can’t wait to see the Cowboys run all over him next year.

Should be fun.

I’m sick of it Andy. You’re nothing more than a red-headed Santa Claus that steals Christmas from us every year.

I’m sick of your inability to field a complete team and I’m sick of the piss-poor excuses that come flowing out of your mouth.

I’m done with it Andy, and I’m done with you.

If you make something miraculous happen before the season starts, I'll forgive you and maybe we can hang out sometime. Until then, I will continue to hate.

Love,

Me