Red Sox to sell Mike Lowell as a Mail Order Husband – Reuters

 

Above: Mike Lowell's "MOH" profile pic

 

After being returned to the Red Sox from the Texas Rangers, a Connecticut family, the San Fransisco Giants, The Wu Tang Clan, and most recently Scott Boras Corp., the Red Sox have successfully moved Mike Lowell via the website:

mailorderhusbands.net/order/

The Red Sox will be picking up Lowell’s full salary, but will be receiving a check from Lithuania from his new bride in 6 to 8 weeks for a dollar amount that was not released to the Venuist. Lowell’s current wife Bertica, known for her charity work in Boston and her good relationship with the other player’s wives and girlfriends, called the move “offensive” and “illegal” and was planning to “sue”.

[[Editor's note: Ha! How cute.  There are no laws in Lithuania!  Silly...]]

Lowell himself was not availible for comment, but was seen carrying his 2007 World Series MVP trophy, his 2003 Rawlings Gold Glove, and his two Championship rings around Boston muttering to himself that he “knows how to fucking play baseball”. There are some concerns that all the uncertainty in his playing status has made him lose his mind.

[[Editor's note #2: at presstime, Venuist staff sources were unable to verify that Mike Lowell still "knows how to [fucking] play baseball.”]]

By any indication, Lowell will shoot straight to the top of Mail Order Husbands' roster of aspiring Matrimonial Candidates (see: top pic)