College FB Championship Chase: Week 8 Stock Report

Some things we learned from Week Eight...

LSU’s Les Miles is an out-of-control madman.

Yes, his team beat Auburn on an unnecessary last-second touchdown pass—but, oh boy, Miles owes QB Matt Flynn a year’s worth of backrubs from genetically-perfect handmaidens for making that pinpoint throw.

Playing for Miles must be like being forced to ride on the back of your idiot big brother’s motorcycle that doesn’t, technically, have brakes.

More prosaically...

Pitt players should ban Dave Wannstache from the sideline for the rest of the season.

With the Pornstache and his healing Achilles’s tendon up in the pressbox (actually, his Achilles’s tendon was recruiting), the Panthers finally showed some manhood.

Elsewhere, Ohio State showed some vulnerability—not the best sign with the meat of their Big 10 schedule coming up.

At Oregon, “defense” is optional.

At South Carolina, “offense” is optional.

Cal looks fraudier and fraudier each week.

Boston College now becomes the next new No. 2 that’s about to take a fall—the Eagles play Virginia Tech next week. In Blacksburg.

On to the Big Board (as per the BCS rankings)

1. Ohio State: DOWN SLIGHTLY

Failed to give the game back to Michigan State despite mighty, multi-fumble effort. This team is clearly No. 1 by default.

Yes, I've turned on the Buckeyes. Faster than an overbred Doberman.

2. Boston College: UP

You know that foam that rides on top of the water in a polluted river?

Well, if the foam is higher on the riverbank today than it was yesterday, it’s because the river has risen, not because the foam climbed up there on its own.

Just sayin’.

3. LSU: UP

This just in: Les Miles identified as asylum escapee. LSU Board of Regents takes no action other than checking seat belts.

4. Arizona State: UNCHANGED

You know that guy in the Members Only jacket who somehow gets into the hot club and no one knows him or knows how he got in?

And you know how, at some point, the club manager gets on the ball and starts asking questions the poseur can’t answer and he gets kicked out?

Just sayin’.

5. Oregon: UP

Is there a worse defense in the Pac-10? Oh, right—Washington’s. The Ducks are about to be a l’Oranged: USC next week, Arizona State after that.

6. Oklahoma: DOWN

Me likee computers. Computers see Sooners’s weak schedule, push them a notch away from BCS title game. Me likee.

7. WVU: UP

What do the Mountaineers and Bruce Willis have in common?

Striking distance, baybee.

8. Virginia Tech: UP

Hey, what are these guys doing back here? This is like Glenn Close popping up after five minutes underwater in “Fatal Attraction.”

Die, why dontcha!?

Note: It might be better for Tech to beat Boston College in the ACC title game rather than next week, which could vault the Hokies over WVU in the BCS rankings.

And yes, that means I believe Tech will beat Virginia in the last game of the regular season.

9. Kansas: UP

A nice story, to be sure—but doomed to take a loss to Missouri, knocking them out of the Top 10.

Rock, chalk, EV1.com Bowl.

10. South Florida: DOWN

Hahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahaha.

There’s a word for what we’re feeling in WVU country. That word is schadenfreude.

Delisted from the Big Board

No. 14 Kentucky: The Wildcats can take solace in this—it looks like they’re going to be the best team in Kentucky for a looooong time.

No. 16 South Carolina: “This the Ol' Ball Coach. I told you my offense was crap.”