Worst Game Ever: Browns Win 6-3. Every Viewer Loses

Jeff PencekCorrespondent IIOctober 12, 2009

To call the Buffalo-Cleveland game the worst game ever makes the crazy assumption that the heap of junk at "Hopefully He Dies Soon Stadium" qualifies as a football game. I would more appropriately call it sports purgatory, because the cities of Buffalo and Cleveland haven't felt enough pain, and needed three hours of stabbing agony.

The book "The Secret" discusses the law of attraction and how you attract positive and negatives into your life. I think Bills and Browns fans would rather have spent three hours listening to a James Arthur Ray seminar in a Sedona sweatbox than be exposed to the drivel that played in between commercials on CBS Sunday afternoon.

What karma God did Lake Erie anger?

Last year, I wrote about how the Philadelphia-Cincinnati tie was the worst game ever, because somehow both teams tried not to win. This Bills-Browns game trumps it because at least their appeared to be some skill in the tie, unlike this game where it appeared that a UFL team would beat either team by two touchdowns.

For those of you who didn't see the game, you're lucky. I can't unwatch it and I'm ready to pop in the 49ers-Bills mess from last year so I can see a better game. This game needs some dissecting to truly pinpoint the awfulness of a 6-3 craptacular.

No. 1 The Angels outscored both teams on Sunday afternoon.

No. 2 The last home game the Bills played before Sunday was against New Orleans. In that game, punter Brian Moorman completed a pass for 25 yards. Cleveland starting QB Derek Anderson completed two passes in the entire game for 23 yards. Anderson was so bad that on the sidelines Eric Mangini was overheard saying "Derek, you need to throw more accurately, like JaMarcus Russell."

No. 3 Kavika Mitchell has been one of the few healthy Bills defenders the last two years. This was the first week he played middle linebacker, so of course, he got injured.

The backup middle linebacker for Buffalo is Marcus Buggs, who of course, also got injured. The only healthy middle linebacker they now have is Jon Corto, who is basically on the team because he lives near the stadium and the Bills could save money on moving expenses. 

No. 4 Roscoe Parrish was worse than nobody. Had the Bills tried to block every punt or even just allowed the ball to roll wherever it may go, the Bills would have had a better shot of winning.

Yes, Parrish did have one nice punt return. He also had a -15 yard punt return (that's a skill) and who knows what he was thinking on his attempt to pick up the ball. Cleveland was handed the game by a guy who is on the team because the Bills have no one else to return kicks and punts, even if anybody or nobody would be better.

No. 5 Cleveland had nine first downs, under 200 yards in total offense, were four for 16 on third down, scored zero touchdowns, and still won.

No. 6 The Bills had nine false start penalties at home. That's almost impossible. It's not like the crowd noise was a distraction. It's nice to see that extra week of training camp paid dividends.

Every penalty the Bills had was because they are a stupid team, and they only had two penalties based on aggressive play, both unnecessary roughness penalties by offensive players.

No. 7 Luckily, the Browns were playing the awful Bills, because after their field goal to take the lead, Billy Cundiff kicked the ball out of bounds to give the Bills field position at the 40 yard line. The Browns tried everything they could do to lose but couldn't.

No. 8 Dick Jauron is a brilliant thief.

He obviously knows nothing about coaching. Going for it, punting or kicking a field goal is mind blowing to this guy. I understand going for it on 4th and 6 at Cleveland's 38. I'm really curious to figure out how going for a 4th and 24 is a better percentage play, than a 48 yard field goal in a 3-0 game.

In a tie game, punting on 4th and 1 on their own 43 might have taken some guts, but it was the right play.

Throughout the day, Marshawn Lynch looked like he wished he was in his car and Jauron was a pedestrian. Jauron appears most content when he's losing because it makes the other team happy.

He's the John McCain of football.

No. 9 Cleveland now has two quarterbacks the coach doesn't trust; and Buffalo has amazingly taken a pretty decent quarterback and developed him into a bad one.

On the day, Edwards missed plenty of open receivers, including a deep pass to Lee Evans. A quarterback with a 50 percent accuracy rating will not win games in the NFL, unless the team is playing the Bills. Then, 12 percent will do.

No. 10 The climatic game winning moment was an 18 yard field goal. There is nothing less exciting in football.

Don't look for this game on NFL Replay, and for those of you with the Red Zone Channel, yes, this game did happen. I'm sure you didn't see a lot of it. You should take pride in that, something the Browns and the Bills obviously don't do with their football.