What If: John Cena Goes To ECW After Bragging Rights

ECW opens this week with a highlights from the Randy Orton/John Cena match from last Sunday’s Bragging Rights pay-per-view.

It is revealed that Cena ended up losing to Orton and as per their agreement must leave Raw. On his last appearance on Raw, Cena announces he will be moving to ECW…

Tiffany is in the ring telling the crowd what a great wrestler Cena is and how Raw’s loss is ECW’s gain. Too bad all the audience here can hear is this.

After about five minutes of talking him up, Tiffany finally introduces John Cena as ECW’s newest superstar.

As Cena makes his way to the ring, Matt Striker begins gushing as he talks all about Cena’s accomplishments during his career in the WWE. Some of the big words he uses to describe Cena are; sagacious, velocious, gregarious, and talented.  

Josh Matthews, not to be outdone by his scholarly broadcast partner is busy building his vocabulary with Mad Libs.

Cena tells the fans he is excited to be on ECW, that he can’t wait to take on some new challengers, and that he wants to go after the ECW Title.

Then William Regal’s music hits…

Regal is followed by Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson. He tells Cena that he is rightful No. 1 contender despite losing to Christian the last three weeks.  Cena points out that Regal did get pinned by Hornswoggle on the last episode of Superstars.

Obviously embarrassed, Regal says the only way the Cena should be the No. 1 contender would be if he can beat the Ruthless Roundtable in a three-on-one handicap match. Before Tiffany can say anything, Cena delivers one of his patented 10-minute “never back down” speeches and accepts the challenge.

A few minutes later we have a meeting of the minds between Zack Ryder and John Cena in a backstage segment. Between all the “woo wooing” and “broing” it appears Ryder wants to fight Cena tonight and he’s not alone.

He proposes a Gauntlet Match for Cena that night, and since Cena never backs down, he readily accepts.

Years later, it will be revealed that John Cena has an inferiority complex.

As Cena makes his way down to the ring, Matt Striker chimes in with some more praise for the former WWE Champion. Some words he uses to describe Cena this time are, imprudent, undauntable, grandiose, and beloved.

Josh Matthews has moved on to Sudoku; at level 3!!!

Paul Burchill will be Cena’s first opponent. As he walks to the ring we notice that his sister Katie Lee is bringing a book with her to the ring, possibly to keep her entertained during the match.

The bell rings, Burchill swings wildly and misses and gets an attitude adjustment for his troubles. Katie Lee is visibly frustrated; as she didn’t even finish one page of her book (a closer look reveals it to be a contract with TNA).

Next to enter the fray is Sheamus. His pale skin temporarily blinds Cena, thus giving Sheamus the early advantage in the match.

The two trade punches and shoulder blocks for a few minutes before Cena catches Sheamus with a drop toe hold and locks in the STF, forcing Sheamus to tap.

Upon leaving the ring, Sheamus grabs a Guinness from a fan and decides to drink away his sorrows.

Zack Ryder comes to the ring as Cena’s final opponent. Before entering the ring, Ryder sprays an entire bottle of hair spray on his hair because that’s how they do it on the Island.

The two men trade moves back and forth for about five minutes until Cena gets Ryder in the Fisherman’s Suplex and follows it up with a running bulldog; setting him up for the five-knuckle shuffle.

Matt Striker wets himself with excitement.

Josh Matthews, becoming frustrated with his Sudoku, makes a remark saying how the five-knuckle shuffle should be renamed the five move shuffle because Cena only has five moves.

After scoring the pinfall on Ryder, Cena is attacked by Sheamus from behind. Obviously, Sheamus had one to many Irish Car Bombs backstage, and he is really beating Cena down.

Finally Shelton Benjamin, who decided to take a break from playing his video games, comes to the ring and chases off Sheamus, but the damage has been done and Regal and the Roundtable are on their way to the ring.

As Cena tries to gather himself prior to his 3 on 1 match, we get a shot of Striker and Matthews at the announce table.

Striker is telling the audience how dangerous Kozlov and Jackson are, especially on days that don’t bathe. Matthews has apparently called it a night as he cracks open a bottle of whiskey…

The match begins predictably with the Roundtable gaining the upper hand. They continue to pummel Cena in the corner for a good five minutes. The arena begins to fill with prepubescent chants of “Let’s Go, Cena!”

Suddenly out of nowhere the entire Roundtable goes flying in different directions. “Well what do you know, Cena has developed mental powers! What can’t this man do!” exclaimed Striker.

“Wrestle,” replies a slightly inebriated Matthews.

Kozlov is the first to stagger to his feet, and he is met with….a wet willie!? Cena has been busy adding new moves to his arsenal. The distraught Kozlov rolls out of the ring in embarrassment.

Big Zeke charges at Cena and is turned down by the lethal purple nurple maneuver. Zeke tumbles over in pain, leaving Regal all alone with Cena.

Regal doesn’t even get a chance to turn around, as Cena gets him in the atomic wedgie submission. Regal has no choice but to tap out.

Striker is very impressed by the new moves displayed by Cena. Matthews begins going on a drunken tirade which is too inappropriate to mention.

Apparently, Josh didn’t get the memo that ECW would be rated G from now on. (Somewhere the Sandman grabbed a kendo stick and hit himself very hard over the head).

So on his first night on ECW, Cena turned away all six serious heels on the roster and became the No. 1 contender. Just another typical day at the office for Mr. Cena, can’t wait to see how the rest of his time on ECW will play out.