Proof of the Ultimate Performance Enhancer

One of the saddest chapters of the new millennium has been performance enhancing drug scandals in some of our favorite pastimes like baseball, football, and midget juggling.

We’ve had enough of Barry Bonds’ enlarged melon, Rafael Palmiero’s finger wagging, and Marion Jones’ contrived tear ducts.

But in the last two years, we’ve seen evidence that there are other natural enhancers that do not call for syringes or ask you to seek medical treatment for an erection lasting more than four hours.

Of course I speak of the mustache, and a combination of science and sport are slowly proving the lip sweater to be the ultimate performance enhancing substance.

Just look to this past Saturday.

In Norman, Oklahoma, the young Mustached American named Landry Jones was making just his second start at quarterback for the Oklahoma Sooners in place of the injured Sam Bradford, last year’s Heisman Trophy winner.###MORE###

Jones and his lip cushion completed 25 of 37 passes for 336 yards and a school-record six touchdowns as the Sooners routed Tulsa, 45-0 (note to Bradford: since you suffer from Bare Upper Lip Disorder — take your time coming back).

In St. Louis, home of the world’s largest mustache – the Gateway Arch – before this baseball season Brendan Ryan was nothing more than an also-ran utility infielder simply fighting for a few nickels to pay for his next lap dance.

But then he became the starting shortstop for the St. Louis Cardinals, grew a labia sebucula (Latin for “lip sweater”), an inspired his team into first place.  And, on a hazy St. Louis Saturday, and with his team tied with the Chicago Cubs in the bottom of the ninth inning, Ryan’s star climbed a little bit higher with a one-out game winning single after hitting a home run four innings before.

These enduring performances might vault each of these men into candidacy for the American Mustache Institute’s Robert Goulet Memorial Mustache American of the Year, which of course will be named at on Oct. 30 in St. Louis at ‘Stache Bash 2009, featuring the legendary John Oates.

But are these instances in any way coincidences?

Not likely.

No, what we have here is a case of two budding stars who are once again proving the theorem that there is no more powerful performance enhancing substance than a robust mustache.

Carry on.

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