Breaking News: "Mass Steroid Charges Rock The NBA"

In explosive reports released today steroid charges were leveled at some of the premiere talents in the NBA. The accusations ranged far and wide, and none of the sport's "superstars" were left unscathed.

The 1st indiscretion was noticed, when after recent jaw surgery, Lebron James was administered a random urine test. There were 4 different steroids found in his system in addition to a high-grade horse tranquilizer. James is reported to have grown 3 inches in 3 days, and went from 260 pounds to 300 pounds with less than 2 percent body fat. Lebron, now towering at 6'11 says that people in the league are just hating, and that this is a baseless claim made by the teams that have no chance of signing him in 2010.

"I hit a growth spurt, so what I can bench-press a Bentley." " I didn't hear anyone saying anything about Kobe when he scored 81 points in a single game" James is quoted as saying.

As it turns out Bryant was videotaped by a housekeeper in a Colorado hotel rubbing a strange white lotion all over himself. Upon further inspection, it was discovered that Bryant was using a steroid cream dubbed "The Smooth" The smooth was created in a California laboratory by Dr. Tel Nolyze, who says that it was made with a player like Kobe in mind.

"For a player like Kobe it increases the fluidity of his game and makes those impossibly arched jumpers fall"

Dr. Nolyze says the one drawback of the smooth is that it releases a smell that causes your teammates to stand around and watch you. When approached Kobe declined to comment, but invited reporters to view his newest Nike commercial where he jumps over a stretch- limousine.

There are also reports coming out of a facility being used by Kevin Garnett and Gilbert Arenas. They were seemingly there to rehabilitate their injured knees, but in damaging photos released to TMZ, they were seen walking around with syringes protruding from their knee braces.

There must be some truth to the story because K.G. was reportedly recorded with a 65 inch vertical jump, and Arenas was recently clocked at 3.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash. They both strongly deny the claims.

In other news Dwight Howard says there is no truth to the rumor that he uses steroids.

"If I used steroids my head would be bigger, not just my body." "How do you explain that"?

When told that there were reports that Howard had been seeing a voodoo witch-doctor to shrink his head, he declined to comment.

Lastly San Antonio Spurs forward Tim Duncan says the pills he was spotted popping on the Riverwalk were Ritalin, which he was using for an extreme case of ADD that he has been struggling with for years.