Chronicling My Three Hours of Hell: The Home Run Derby

I’m definitely not a baseball purist. In fact, I’m all for cutting the baseball season down to 100 games. Or 80. Or even 60, if I were able to get away with it. Yet, last night I tried to put away my impure feelings about the game of baseball and decided to take in the Home Run Derby. (Spoiler Alert - It didn’t go very well)

7:59 PM
Finishes off a Family Guy rerun (a daily ritual). Flips over to ESPN for the coverage.

8:00 PM

PA announcer at the ballpark announces, “Welcome David Cook singing, ‘Declaration’.”

8:00 PM - 8:10 PM

I continuously ask myself, “Why is David Cook on my television?” and “Is this the new National Anthem?” and “Is this a pyro show or a Home Run Derby?” and “Why is David Cook on my television?”

8:30 PM

By this time I think I’m upstairs cleaning my tub. Seems like a good time to knock out some household duties. I was fortunate enough to watch a 15-minute spectacle where Albert Pujols watched 20 balls fly right across the plate before hitting a pop up and a ground ball.

All the while, Bennett Hayes (the State Farm winner guy with a pretty strong mustache) looks on hoping that Pujols would at least get one out to the outfield. And to think, he must’ve practiced that pointing motion all week.

9:00 PM, I guess

Back downstairs in time to see Brandon Inge sucking.

Yeah, we feel the same you do about seeing you hitting pop up after pop up, Brandon. I am now on Twitter joining in on the Berman and Ball Track bashing.

Speaking of Twitter. if you aint following, you need to be.

9:30 PM, or somewhere around there.

Back to cleaning that tub I already cleaned.

10:00 PM (I’ve really lost a sense of time by now)

Is it the second round yet? Who made it? Is that one of Will Smith’s sons back there?

10:30 PM (Still don’t know what time it really is)

Walk by the television to notice that Prince Fielder is swearing profusely. Hey kids, come wipe a Prince down.

11:00 PM

Come back just in time to watch Prince Fielder crowned Home Run Derby champion for 2009. And to witness him unveil his 10x jersey skirt.

Not pictured nor discussed: Chris Berman, Steve Phillips, and Joe Morgan’s predictable commentary of the event. For obvious reasons.

*Images via Reuters and Getty

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