All-Star Baseball Monikers: Test Your Nickname IQ

Some of us baseball aficionados definitely need to get a life.

When we're not sitting around endlessly speculating on whether or not the Blue Jays are going to trade superstar pitcher Roy Halladay, we're sitting around figuring out ever more creative ways to waste time on the Great American Pastime.

What follows may be a winner—in terms of wasting time.

The concept—coming up with more macho nicknames for the Jays' first-round draft picks for the past 10 years—was spawned in direct opposition to the current trend of limp-wristed Jays monikers.

Aaron “Hillsy” Hill and Vernon “Wellsy” Wells come to mind.

Weak as water. Makes a man want to toss his cookies.

Hillsy and Wellsy are hockey-like nicknames, which are characterized by excessive flaccidity and blandness. Maybe it's because we're Canadian, eh?

Mark “Messy” Messier and Dale “Ducky” Hawerchuk are typical hockey monikers. It's as if “testosterone” has become a dirty word in our ultra-politically correct society.

Hockey nicknames of 50-60 years ago weren't nearly as timid. Consider the legendary Montreal Canadiens coach, Hector “Toe” Blake, for example.

Blake's powerful Habitants teams were greatly feared by a lot of Leafs fans. Some of them comforted themselves by ridiculing Blake. They claimed his nickname, Toe, sprung from an anti-social, reeking foot-odor issue.

In the early 1950s, there were a couple of Winnipeg (my hometown) NHLers with exceptionally appropriate nicknames: Bill “The Beast” Juzda and “Wild” Bill Ezinicki.

Bill “The Beast” Juzda was an animal. On the ice, he looked like a big, mean, hairy gorilla disguised as a white man.

Wild Bill Ezinicki may have been even worse. The opposition routinely referred to him as a “maniac” because he delighted in crippling people for life with one swing of his stick

Here's the new nickname list for the Blue Jays' first-round draft picks. If you can come up with something better, please comment.

2009—Chad “Judge” Jenkins

A right-handed pitcher, Jenkins attended Kennesaw State University. Baseball's first Commissioner (1920-1944) was a former American federal judge, Kenesaw Mountain Landis. You may have noticed that the “Kenesaw” spelling is slightly different.

Tough cheese.

2008—David “Magic” Cooper

First base, David Copperfield, er, Cooperfield, no, Cooper. You get the picture.

2007—J.P. “Cash” Arencibia

A catcher, Arencibia's moniker has less than nothing to do with his signing bonus. It's short for "Cashew." For some strange reason, the sound of Arencibia's name reminds me of a type of peanut, although it's not a cashew.

Had to substitute. Can't bring to mind the actual nut.

Originally, I was going to nickname him, "Peanut," but he's a big mother and he might not like it. I may have to meet him someday.

2007—Kevin “Gumby” Ahrens (Jays had two first-round picks in 2007)

Ahrens swings the bat like Gumby. The third baseman is currently buried in the boondocks, hitting just .218 with two home runs after 67 games at Dunedin.

2006—Travis “Lunch” Snider

Snider, a top outfield prospect who's built like an NFL down-lineman, is listed as 6'0” and 235 pounds. Sure, going on 265.

Like many of us, he enjoys breakfast and dinner, but apparently lunch is his favorite. He must eat it six or seven times a day.

2005—Ricardo “Fred” Romero

Romero, a budding superstar left-handed pitcher, was a tough one. He already has a nickname, "Ricky," but that sounds too much like a little kid's name for this stud. Ricky Ricardo Romero.

Remember the old “I Love Lucy” show? Lucy and Ricky Ricardo's friends and landlords were Ethel and Fred Mertz.

I figured the moniker “Ricky Ricardo” would probably confuse some of the more mature (like me, I'm 66) baseball fans. I didn't think Romero would appreciate “Lucy” or “Ethel.”

Therefore, "Fred."

2004—David “Derwyn” Purcey

A left-handed pitcher, Purcey's name reminded me of an old acquaintance in high school, Derwyn Percy. Easy one.

2003—Aaron “Stickman” Hill

Hill, who's having a tremendous season at second base this year, is practically being defamed by his current nickname, “Hillsy.” He attended Louisiana State University in Baton Rouge. The latter means red stick in French.

The nickname “Red” is inappropriate, as Hill is blond-haired. “Stickman” works because, you've got to admit, he does swing a mean piece of lumber.

2002—Russ “Greaser” Adams

Adams made dozens of throwing errors at shortstop before he was finally demoted a few years ago. It was like he had some sort of lubricant on his hands.

2001—Gabe “D-Square” Gross

An outfielder, Gross' new moniker was more or less inspired by the handle, “A-Rod.” It's short for “dozen squared.” 12 by 12 is 144—a gross.

2000—Miguel “Who” Negron

Negron? Never heard of the guy.