For Dusty Baker's Ears Only

Dear Dusty,

Just the other day Chris Welsh and Thom Brenneman (I think, maybe it was Grande or perhaps even the "Cowboy", they are all running together in my mind now—just like the Phillies base runners) were remarking that the Reds had more than enough starting pitchers.  There must have been a mass exodus because I can't see them anywhere.

I must confess I missed the first part of the Reds telecast last night. When I bellied-up to the TV it was 12-1 in the bottom of the fourth. 

It made my liver quiver.

How can a guy give up 10 runs before he leaves in the first inning?  Don't leave a man out there to humiliate himself that way. It was shades of Bronson Arroyo from a couple years ago. If memory serves me right, he holds the world record for giving up the most runs ever in a single inning.

What is wrong here? 

Just a little time ago Cueto was going well, Owings had just beaten the Cardinals with his pitching and hitting, Homer Bailey was shutting them out and it looked like we were turning the corner.

Hey Dusty, look what you are doing?

Please, spit out the toothpick and grab a damn bag of sunflower seeds or something. If you want to use Paul Janish, God bless you, start the man.  Look what you have done to his ERA. 49.50, you know he will never get another pitching job anywhere else.

Last night looked like the 1927 Yankees playing Our Lady of the Restless Losers.

This team is under-freaking-achieving.  Do you hear me? We can do better than this. Do you think your job is so solid you can toothpick chew your way through a whole season?

I am with Illya on this one man, I would rather watch Jim Leyland smoke three packs than to watch you working on that toothpick.

Be on notice, sir, we are watching you.

I was so happy when they announced your hiring. I thought some great things were going to happen. Now look at you over there, putting a fine point on that toothpick. Did you know if you trip coming out of the dugout, you could lodge that baby right into the roof of your mouth? Then who will manage the team, Billy Hatcher?

If things haven't turned around by the All-Star break, we may have to replace you. We are in the worse division in baseball and can't even get to the top. Everybody is just playing to stay out of the cellar. Did you know the Astros are just a couple series away from leading the division?

That should bring you to your senses, but I can tell by the way you are still eating that toothpick, that it's going in one ear and out the other.  Are those toothpicks flavored?

I love the Reds, I even bleed red. Don't make me bleed Dusty.

Are you even thinking about the July 31 deadline? Let's get some fresh meat in here man. Votto can't do it all by himself. Make a deal with someone, and tie Edwin to the deal. He is young, has power, and don't tell anybody he can't field.

This is the second time I will say this: Let Hanigan take a crack at third base, we need the lumber.

You know you are hurting Micah's feelings when you bat him ninth, don't you? That may be tradition, but I know he is not the worst hitter in any of your lineups.

I have almost talked, check that, written my way back to sanity now. I may still have another stroke, but we all gotta go sometime. May as well let someone know how you think, before you go.

Out with the toothpick. NOW!!!