Left-Handed Batter Somehow Gets Hit Off Left-Handed Reliever

ANAHEIM, CA - The baseball world was rocked Thursday night when left-handed hitter Garret Anderson singled off left-handed A’s reliever Dallas Braden.

“In all my years in the game, I’ve never seen anything like it,” said a visibly distraught A’s manager Bob Geren. “My world is shattered. I know Braden’s not a lefty specialist, but this kind of thing still isn’t supposed to happen.”

Choking back sobs, he concluded, “I’m not sure if I can go on like this.”

Ever since the very first days of baseball, it has been a scientific certainty that left-handed hitters were incapable of reaching base against left-handed pitchers due to a hit.

While there have been rare cases of success, such as Barry Bonds walking three times in 2004 against lefties or Stan Musial reaching on an error against Warren Spahn in 1947, there had never been a base hit of any kind.

Managers across the league are in denial. Twins manager Ron Gardenhire and Phillies manager Charlie Manuel have started the “Garret Anderson Truth Movement” to determine what really happened on Thursday night.

“There are just so many unanswered questions,” said Manuel. “If you look at the videotape, he barely hits the ball. Even the official report says he ’singled to the pitcher.’ Don’t you think the pitcher should have thrown him out?”

Other managers, while acknowledging that they believed the single happened as shown on TV, were unsure about any effect it would have on their teams.

“This means that a lot of guys are gonna be out of a job,” said Giants manager Bruce Bochy. “Look at someone like Steve Kline or Ron Villone. If this is true, these guys won’t have a career anymore. I don’t see how the most powerful nation in the world can just let that happen.”

Bochy continued, “And just because it’s possible now for a lefty to hit off a lefty, does that mean that a righty can get a lefty batter out or that I’m gonna stop using three pitchers in an inning to get that tough lefty out in the middle of the inning? No. Next question.”

Still, Manuel is adamant about getting to the bottom of this occurrence. “I just don’t see how this is possible,” said Manuel. “It violates the natural order of the universe and it goes against everything I know about managing.”

“Which,” he admitted, “isn’t really all that much.”