Big City Sliders: A New York Mets Informercial and Tribute to Billy Mays

I received many nice compliments on my slideshow relating the music of Michael Jackson to sports, so I wanted to try my hand at another tribute. Thank you to everyone for the comments, and the POTDs.

This one will be a column and it is dedicated to only one team and one man.

The man is Billy Mays; the team is the New York Mets.

I got to know more about Billy and his fellow pitchman, Anthony Sullivan, thanks to The Discovery Channel’s new program, Pitchmen. The final episode of Pitchmen is tonight.

On Pitchmen I got to see the personal life, and that Billy Mays was not as loud and annoying as he seemed during those commercials. He appeared to have a heart as loud as his voice.

For those who thought Mays was just a showman and people never bought anything he sold, well he did rather well over the years.

Church & Dwight Company, the company that makes Arm & Hammer purchased the OrangeGlo Company, the company that made OrangeGlo and OxiClean for $325 million in 2006.

The OxiClean website has saluted him by dedicating their homepage to him.

Billy left a void in the field of $19.95 pitching that can never replaced.

Last year, Billy introduced America to the Big City Slider Station. The actual product, the Big City Slider Station allows you to press five tasty burgers at a time.

The video for the commercial can be viewed here. 

I am going to give you the mock screenplay to what would have been Billy Mays second sports commercial, the first one being the one he did for ESPN360.com:

“Hi, Billy Mays here, for the Big City Sliders, better known as the New York Mets!”

“Are you a season ticket holder who fears that you may not be able to afford playoff tickets?”

“Do you get sick and tired of spending money to buy your team’s championship hats, t-shirts and videos?”

“Well, let me introduce you to a money-saving franchise that will drive you to drink, because this team will finish lower than you think!”  

“The New York Metropolitans are real major league baseball team. They play in America’s largest city, and have the third highest payroll.”

“Do you live in the big city and are not sure what team to root for? Or do you live in a small town and want a heartbreaking big city team to cheer on?

Well come along and Meet the Mets!”

“The team that has the muscle, but totally lacks the hustle.”

“A seven-game lead with 17 games to play, the Mets could not blow that lead, right? Wrong, it is no problem for these sliders!”

“The slide will come quickly and they will give you plenty of time to concentrate solely on your Fantasy Football team before October.”

“If you think catching a pop fly is as easy as pie, it’s not for these little guys!”

“The fielding is so laissez-faire, it will remind you of those Bad News Bears!” 

“The runners on base will just stand in place, as the Mets will strand them time and time again!”

“Groundhog Day is everyday, whether it was at ol’ Shea, or the cavernous Citi Field!”

“Reyes, Beltran, Wright, and Delgado, just say it ain’t so!”

“These sliders are not for everyone. They make a great fit for people who like dentistry without Novocain, or those who jump on to a bicycle without the seat, or any truly painful activity. These guys in orange and blue are for you!”

“These Mets will rise to the top of the standings and slide down with ease once the Pennant gets near. It will seem like it only takes seconds!”

“You can order your limited edition New York Mets Big City Sliders for just $19.95! It’s less than one-fifth the price of your field level Citi Field seat!” 

“But, if you call now, I will throw in the 2008 collapse absolutely free.”

“Ask about our 2009 Rolaids package before it ends up completely on the Disabled List.”

“So, if you want a reason to not be able to cheer this post-season, call now for the New York Mets Big City Sliders!”

“Here’s how to order!”

Voiceover man: Please consume these sliders in small quantities. These sliders have a tendency to get caught in your throat and force you to begin choking. The Mets are not recommended for those with any type of heart condition. The writer of this article is a die-hard Met fan and a partial season ticket holder.

Rest in peace, Billy Mays, the 2009 New York Mets should be joining you with their blue shirts on sometime in September.