Jimmy Fallon Introduces America to USMNT, Takes No Prisoners

Following up on the United States' World Cup victory over Ghana on Monday, Jimmy Fallon put together a segment for all the casual American soccer fans out there looking for more information on the U.S. men’s national team. 

The result was a biographical breakdown of several USMNT players, featuring one part fact and three parts mockery. Fallon began the segment by giving credit to the team for once again achieving the most fickle of all soccer accomplishments. 

“USA won. They did the impossible—getting Americans to watch soccer,” Fallon said.

It’s only funny because it’s true.

Fallon then went into a series of “introductions” for different USMNT players. First up was U.S. defender Matt Besler, whose biggest weakness is entering adulthood at halftime. 

Next was midfielder Graham Zusi, who placed the corner kick that led to John Brooks’ game-winner. Zusi’s side occupation was listed as “being a model on covers of novels that your mom reads.” He’s also a Pantene type of guy. 

Of all the introductions, DeAndre Yedlin received the roughest end of the stick. Fallon’s writers destroyed him and his crazy hair. Then again, when you have a neon flat top, you’re asking for attention.

U.S. goalie Tim Howard was rightfully categorized as inhuman.

Last but not least, Fallon unveiled USMNT forward Aron Johannsson as the progeny of Kevin Bacon and Draco Malfoy. Brilliant.

That’s how it goes on The Tonight Show—Fallon takes minimal information about athletes and eviscerates them to hilarious results. This isn’t the first time he’s worked over a group of sports stars. 

This February, Fallon and his writers took a torch to competitors at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi with his “superlatives” awards. 

Line them up and he’ll knock them down.

Keep on going, Mr. Fallon. I’d like to see a World Cup superlatives with Robin van Persie as “Most Likely to Direct Argo.”

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