My Fantasy Press Conference With Sammy Sosa

Disgraced former Cub, Sammy Sosa, who after swearing before Congress he had never taken steroids, was recently outed for a failed drug test in 2003, but in a recent interview with ESPN Desportes, claimed he would still “calmly wait” for his induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame. To defend his recent actions and embarrassment to Chicago fans everywhere, Sammy Sosa:

I appreciate the opportunity to testify in front of this panel of sketch comedy sports reporters…

Uhh, Sammy?

And swear under oath, that everything I’ve heard about the Baseball Hall of Fame is that it’s bad for you, even lethal!

I know your English sucks even though you’ve been in this country for 20 years, but…

It causes you to do ridiculous things…

Like corking your bat?

It's almost cartoonish...

Like your hat size along with your home run production increasing at an alarming rate?

I just want to repeat, that I never based the actions of my career on the sole purpose of getting into the Baseball Hall of Fame.  I don’t care if I ever get inducted or not.

Sammy, your comment about expecting to get in the Hall of Fame was broadcast on ESPN. We all know you that not only do you want induction, you expect induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Care to comment on how you think this ’03 incident will affect it?

Oh, I’m sorry…my English is not veddy good.

Sammy, what’s Spanish for perjury?